Ever suddenly wake up and wonder where you are?
Or have you ever been sat in front of the tv watching a show then, gradually, it dawns on you that you've missed chunks of the dialogue because you must have dozed off to sleep a few times and you know that its a sign you should head for bed?
Its easy enough to get distracted from things. Either its an immediate distraction - think of a child coming in saying "Mum, mum, mum! I need this" or "I can't find that!". It can be a gradual one. You're doing some housework and are tidying away some books or a magazine. You flick through a few pages, you read a few lines and think "I must get on, so much to do". But then you read a few more lines and, before you know it, you're reading and the housework is forgotten.
I know some people who are incredibly focussed and, sometimes I envy them their singlemindedness. At other times, there is a joy in being distracted. Perhaps doing the gardening and suddenly noticing the song of the birds and pausing to listen to them.
But the distraction I'm referring to today isn't the last kind, the good kind.
As you may have picked up from my previous posts, God has been speaking to me about my attitude and about Love, His love for me and how I feel about Him. There was growth there and real pause for thought. In all this, God was drawing me closer to Him, to His heartbeat.
However, since my last post, I have gradually drawing away from God. Its not been a conscious thing, not intentional but, similar to drifting off infront of the box or reading a book whilst doing the housework, I have had the occassional thought of "oh, I don't feel God" or " I'm feeling rather indifferent". Those thoughts alone should have me sat up and taking notice.
Our faith isn't to be based on feelings. Whilst they can be wonderful, they can also be mis-leading. Feelings can tell us that God doesn't love us and that is an outright lie. Feelings can tell us that something feels really good but actually whatever it is happens to be bad for us. They aren't to be relied on. A friend of mine recently told me of the struggle of maturing in faith and, when not feeling anything, to keep pressing through. She felt that God was calling her toward more maturity in her faith (and she's been a Christian for over 20 years! - Yup, growing up in faith never stops). So that should have been the first indication that something was amiss.
But also, what about the timing? God has obviously been working on this area the heart, re-visiting my past, looking at my thoughts on who I think) He is, my experiences that have caused me to distrust Him and also my issues with relationships. All important stuff. But the feelings of being distant continued.
On top of that, my battle with weight suddenly became far more focussed and intense. If I am honest, it has begun to dominate my life. I've been talking about it so much that my poor husband had to call "time-out" on it. God was pushed to the back of my mind whilst I fretted and fidgeted.
In addition, things picked up pace in other areas of life....more distractions.
Its only in the last week that I've begun to get that stronger sense of Someone saying in my ear "Wake up! Wake up! This isn't normal, you're losing your focus. Fight it and look to Me". The question has to be why, why now?
I have been getting deeper into all these issues but had reached a chapter of the book, Captivating, called Healing the Wound. I believe now that the devil really doesn't want to see me set free from things or to repent of attitudes which will cause me to draw ever closer to God and Jesus, to grow in my faith. I got to the chapter and thought at the time 'I must not rush through this, I must read slowly, do what is suggested and process carefully. There's freedom to be gained". I closed the book and, yes even now it becomes clearer as I type, the smoke filled my eyes and surrounded me, making me drowsy. The lights of distraction came up slowly like houselights at the end of a show in a theatre and there was my weight issue and other things.
The devil is exceptionally cunning (snake!) and will use anything he can to get our eyes, minds and hearts off God. He is ruthless in that regard (and all others really). I began to put the pieces together at the beginning of last week and started to pray but its been a big struggle. Mentally its like I've been wading through porridge or molasses. My reactions slow.
So to try to help myself, I've been listening to worship music again, as much as I can or, when I'm at the computer, I'll sometimes watch a worship video so I can turn my thoughts towards Father.
One of my favourite worship CDs at the moment is Here is Love from Bethel Church in Redding, California. One of the tracks is a spontaneous worship song and, at the beginning, the singer asks the congregation to turn their affections toward Jesus. That is what I need to do, turn my attention and affection towards Him. Sometimes, when all else fails, worship is the act to train our mind on God and our Saviour. Sometimes the sacrifice of praise is what it takes to break the devil's trick of smoke and mirrors, moving our gaze away from the One who loves us enough to die for us.
Now you're probably expecting me to say at this point that I'm back on track and that I'm having mindblowing messages from God and I meet with the Holy Spirit every day and I'm transported to other places (I'm not 'dissing this by the way, I would love to have this happen). The truth is I am still struggling, still wading through the molasses but I am atleast awake now and I see the distractions for what they are, distractions. My eyes are sleepy but they are open. The Spirit is whispering in my ear and encouraging me to think on God, to listen to that music and that praise and enter in again to dialogue with my Heavenly Father. This isn't to say that the distractions in themselves are bad but the importance they hold in my life over my attention to God is. God wants to continue His conversation with me and I want to be awake and to listen to what He has to say for only He has the words of Life.
As to that chapter, well I need to be reading it soon before I nod back off to sleep. Now where's that worship CD? Its time to turn up the volume!!!
