Transformers (not the movie!)

Do you ever get frustrated with yourself? Be honest, do you?
I do. I am. Frequently!


If we continue being honest, we all tend to see ourselves in a certain light. I like to think I am this youthful, vibrant, creative woman who is liked by all, is loving, kind and forgiving, gracious, has no hang-ups and is pretty well-adjusted. Then I wake up and remember that this isn't actually who I am at all.


I'm a pretty messed up puppy really. I have huge insecurities, I spend quite a bit of my time every day being angry about something or with someone, I can be mean, gossipy, cruel, and there certainly isn't much graciousness displayed in my life.


When I became a Christian, many years ago (when dinosaurs ruled the earth), it was more or less intimated to me that my life, me, would change and suddenly I would become this amazing person, transformed into the likeness of Jesus. I would forgive, I would be gracious to others, I would be kind and loving, eschuing gossip and being helpful and encouraging instead. I would, as a matter of course, because of the radical change in my life, witness all the time, bring many to know this Jesus that I had myself just met. Life was never going to be the same, it would be a million times better.


You know something? That transformation didn't take place. How disappointed was I! This was meant to happen naturally, I'd barely be aware of it. But it never came. That's because I was misled and also because I didn't listen when later on others tried to correct this faulty thinking. Don't get me wrong, I am still incredibly grateful to the church that saw me finally come into a relationship with God. They saw my through my dreadful teenage years and my early twenties. They stood by me and I experienced God during that time in a positive and passionate way. But I always felt somewhat cheated and that feeling remains.


I've been listened to podcasts from Bill Johnson of Bethel Church, based in Redding, California. He did a series called Transformed and I began to listen to one today. He took the passage from Romans - Chapter 12 verse 2

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

A friend of mine attended a Discipleship Training School with Youth With a Mission years ago. I remember very clearly, when she came home at the end of it, sharing with me the teaching she had received on this course and this particular verse and the teaching that went with it impacted her very strongly. I think it does to this day as she continues to grow in her amazing faith. She has truly modelled to me what it means to be "transformed by the renewing" of her mind.


So I guess my beef is, why aren't I being transformed? Why, in my 31 years of being a Christian (is it really that long?), have I not seen the changes, been aware of God renewing me from the inside out?
To go back to Bill Johnson, the bit that leapt out at me of this particular teaching was this - "I feel that God is saying "I want my ways to overide your ways. I want my thoughts to overide your thoughts,I'm going to overwhelm you with goodness until you are conformed.""


I happened to be walking from the shops when I heard this and I wanted to drop the carrier bags of food and stick my hands up in the air shouting "Yes, Lord, please will you just hurry up and do this already. I've been waiting for so long". I could feel the exasperation in my heart and mind. Bill made a good point when he said that a number of people listening to this particular sermon would be challenged on wrong thinking regarding transformation and the renewing of the mind. I think he's right. I am being challenged because I know that God expects me to do my part. For some people, God is gracious and He enables them to stop taking drugs straight away, stop swearing straight away or other things that affect them. Overnight these people become changed people and they have amazing testimonies of how God has radically affected them for good. They are not the "norm" or so it would seem.


The "norm" tends to be the rest of us who plod along and God gives us opportunities to say yes to His way of thinking rather than what is considered to be standard for our day and age.
In all honesty, I tend to either be blind to these "opportunities" or alternatively I ignore them or walk the other way. I'm not good at forgiving people. I hold grudges.  I'm not good at testimonies, I hide my beliefs because I know they aren't popular and I want people to like me. I'm a people-pleaser.


Know what? I don't want to continue like this. Why? Because being a Christian has actually brought more stress into my life rather than less. My flesh constantly fights against what I know to be God's ways. Paul even addresses this in the New Testament, one of his Epistles. Romans 7 v 15 says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."  He adds "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." V 18-19. All this striving is causing me to lose any joy I ever had in the Christian faith and my relationship with God.


So what is the answer? How do I become transformed? Well the sad news is it requires effort on my part. I need to make the choice to take the right way when presented with the option. Jesus did the hard work, He saved my sorry arse when He hung on the Cross and died for my sins. He rescued me from death when I said that I would give my life to Him and acknowledge Him as King. What He is asking me to do is simply to say "I choose Your way" then go do it. I say "Simply" but really there is nothing simple about it at all. I find it very hard. Does that mean I am not a Christian? I don't think so otherwise Paul wouldn't have been one either!!!


There isn't a conclusion to this post really. I know what I have to do. It just seems so hard and I fail so often. I really want God to, as Bill said, overwhelm me with His goodness. I want His thoughts to overwhelm my thoughts and His ways overwhelm my ways. I'm frustrated with myself because I am still going round in circles, chasing my tail. I'm still choosing poorly and I seem to be no further on in my walk than I was 30 years ago. I'm still very much a "baby" in the Lord.


I really want God to break out in my life in the radical way I hoped He would when I was a new born-again believer. So I'm praying that God will answer this heart's cry of mine and help me. I do believe in God, I do believe He can change people's lives. For some reason, it seems I have a problem believing He can make any change in mine. That's just plain sad! Tranform me God, transform me into who You called me to be. I know I'm Your child but I just don't seem to act like it.