The Approval Junkie

So what's the latest? Well I think I may have started a theme here. My last post touched on me having an issue with people disliking me.

Over the last few days, my thoughts have come back to this, largely because of recent experience. I have found myself not able to meet people's expectations and, being the person I am, I have also found myself second-guessing others' expections. Needless to say, this has been in a negative light.

I have cried a number of times this week, partly upset and partly in anger and frustration. You see I am desperate to have people's approval, for them to confirm that I have worth in their eyes, that I have done well at such and such, that they are pleased with me.

This is especially prevalent in my close personal relationships. I panic that I haven't done enough. If I sense disapproval, whether imagined or real, I can tear myself to pieces mentally trying to figure out what I did wrong and how far I need to go to fix it, make it better, have them love me again. Yes, even in this, I suspect in my heart that they have stopped.

Then, at some point, there is the anger at the person. Why have they decided to withhold themselves from me? Why can't I have their love, acceptance, approval? Why am I having to jump through these hoops like a performing circus animal? Why am I having to hold them up and do everything they want? What about my needs, my wants? How would they like it if I made them go through this kind of feeling?
This particular train of thought ends up going down the childish path of "it's not fair" and a pity party for one with popped ballons and broken kazoos!

Joyce Meyer speaks of people-pleasers in an article on her website and gives an accurate description of them.
"I am talking about a pressure to perform—an unhealthy drive to be accepted and approved by others. It is a desire so strong that it influences and controls the majority of our decisions."
She later adds "There are some individuals who have spent a good part of their lives trying to please other people, and as a result, they are unhappy, bitter, resentful and depressed. How other people think and feel about them has become so important that it is like an addiction affecting every part of who they are."


This is so me!!

But I know I am not the only one who suffers from approval addiction. There are others out there, in varying degrees of panic, who suffer as I do. Do we need a shrink? A counsellor? I wouldn't rule those out for anyone, probably a good idea. But also, if we have faith in God, shouldn't we bring Him into the picture? We are Christians, after all.

Now even here, the addiction can distort the perceived relationship with Father. The addict can feel unworthy and unloved, no matter what biblical passage has been thrown their way to boost their confidence. Imagine you don't speak Greek and someone begins to tell you wonderful things but in Greek. They could be telling you that you've won the Euro Lottery but it won't do you any good unless you understand the language!

If I can be completely honest, I know with my head that God loves me. To quote an old children's song, "the bible tells me so". However, when does it go from being head knowledge to heart knowledge, to an experience of this Love? Then there is the added pressure of not relying on emotions.

Sometimes I find the faith can be a minefield and it seems like I'm trying to make sense of something that is purposefully confusing. I just want to find God. I want to stop needing the approval of others to give me worth and purpose, so that I will stop being upset or very angry with these people when I feel I have let them down.

The addict knows in their heart of hearts that they cannot always change the reaction of the person to them. There has to be acceptance that at some point people will inevitably disappoint people. There also has to be the realisation that one can't read people's minds and that what is perceived to be disappointment in an addict is actually totally unrelated and has nothing to do with them. But this is too rational for the addict. What addition can be called rational?!

So is there a cure for the approval junkie, whatever stage of addiction they happen to be in?

I believe that God can cure anything. However, He will sometimes ask us if we want to be cured. Remember blind Bartemaus in Mark? (Chap 10 v 46-52). I sense that, for my walk, this is what God will ask of me? Am I ready to do whatever He says in order to have that freedom? I know I want it but do I want it badly enough?

I have no idea how this is going to pan out.
I very much hope that I will be able to let God help me, cure me of this addiction that causes me pain, causes me to sin and adds stress to myself and to others around me. I want to be free of it. I want to be a mature Christian, looking out for the needs of others but also seeing myself as God sees me, someone He loves and who, in His eyes, has worth and value, an amazing one-of-a-kind person with a future that is good and full of hope.

I am praying that God will set me free and that, sometime in the not too distant future, I will be able to post on here that I am a recovering addict from approval and people-pleasing. Maybe, in turn, that will free me at last to witness openly and joyfully for God.

Confession of faith?

So you're a Christian, right? You are more than happy to tell people, yes? You're happy to share your faith, give your testimony, offer to pray for people?
If God tells you to speak to someone and tell them about his love, you do it, don't you?

Have you been a Christian for a year, five years, over twenty years?

Well I have called myself a Christian for over 30 years and I'm jealous of you because  you are doing something I seem incapable of.

You see, God has been challenging me of late. I keep thinking over and over about the call to testify to others about Him and yet my mouth remains closed. As I've tried to go back over why I have such a problem with sharing my faith, I've realised things about myself and they aren't that good. They are rather sad infact - a desperate need to be liked by everyone, to be whatever people require me to be so they will like me, to not rock the boat (and a profession of faith can often do that), a fear of abandonment and rejection and I am still unsure where those come from. (no I am not adopted nor are my parents divorced and I have not suffered abuse either).

But whatever my reasons, the bible clearly states that Jesus said "32"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. 33But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven." Matthew 10:32-33 (NIV).

This makes me tremble. In this time of increased loss of faith, particularly in a sole deity who says there are no other gods but Him and no other ways to Heaven accept via His Son. To acknowledge such a faith is an invitation to be derided.

But, in context, in some countries, this also means imprisonment, torture and death. Surely a few snide remarks and pink cheeks are so much better than martyrdom?!
I hear of the Chinese Christians who are treated brutally by the state and yet will willingly suffer such humiliations for their faith rather than deny God's work in their lives.

It makes me ashamed of myself. Have I faced such treatment? No! But still, on the few odd occassions when I have finally opened my mouth to quietly whisper my weedy profession of faith, I see the raised eyebrows and the questioning look as to why someone of supposed intelligence would believe in such a fairytale (in their eyes) and I squirm on the inside. I know they think less of me and I hate it. There, now you know my shame.

I have friends who openly talk about their faith, who are happy to share, when appropriate (not beating people over the head with a 10lb King James Bible) and who seem to shrug off the sneers and laughter.
So why am I this coward and why has God persisted with me when I struggle so much? Where is the boldness? I have even heard sermons preached that, if I am not bold about my faith then I must surely not be saved. I have wondered myself frequently, is this the case? But then deep down inside me, I do sense the confirmation, "You are mine!".

I am still discussing this with God. It's not a pleasant conversation. I am squirming again but this time its as I look at the blood-stained face of a man, beaten beyond recognition but wearing a crown of thorns and He still looks at me with his one good eye (the other closed up) and whispers from his ruined mouth "I love you, you are mine. I bought you for a price, my blood". How can I deny this man my allegiance to all and sundry. Why aren't I shouting my faith from the rooftops? Why am I such a coward? Suddenly, I am very conscious of Judas and I have an inkling of sympathy. He betrayed his lord with a kiss. I am betraying my lord with closed mouth and fearful eyes lest someone should mock me with laughter and cruel words. It is pitiful really.

Against the agony Christ experienced from the Garden of Gethsemane to the Cross where he breathed his last, my worries and fears are as nothing.  Against the torture and threat of death some Christians face, my concerns are miserable. Yet still my fears and anxieties close my mouth as firmly as if an iron gate had been placed infront of them.

Am I alone in this? Do others suffer such worries? Moreover, when am I ever to be set free from them so I can testify openly and happily to God's amazing love and goodness to mankind and, specifically, to me?

I need release. I need to speak out my belief in God and in his Son, Jesus Christ, that He died for my sins and that without him, I am lost. I need to bow the need and confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.

I'm praying God would change my heart, help me to lose my fear, to be given that boldness that the early church had when baptised with fire in the Upper room. I'm praying that God would enable me to get beyond my fear of people disliking me, teasing me, ridiculing me and help me to make my declaration of faith knowing that He is smiling on me.

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death." Romans 12:11

If you pray it, live it!

So God presented me with another challenge recently. I have been praying about certain family members, certain situations.

For one family member, I have had a problem with this person for about a year now due to a letter sent which criticised me and I found very hurtful. I am not good at letting things go or forgiving. I tend to hold on to the hurt or, having forgiven, then go ahead and take up the resentment again. Not exactly a Christian attitude. Increasingly I have felt antagonistic towards this person but felt the challenge to pray for this person. So I have done but it's been through gritted teeth, if I'm honest.

Another family member I have been praying for their salvation, their freedom from an addiction (which they don't recognise as an addiction) and my relationship with them. In particular this person has such an affect on my life, more than they could possibly realise.

Well this second person and I have been getting on fabulously of late and I have been so chuffed. Then, yesterday, things went pear-shaped. Things were said and this morning, I found myself getting angry, annoyed and taking my typical route of re-hashing in my mind an array of actions or words which have hurt me. I could feel myself getting very worked up, very "it's not fair" and poking out my bottom lip like a 4yr old!

Only the night before I had been praying for this person and asking God to bless them, I prayed forgiveness over them and asked God to give me love and patience towards them. Now here I was and already doing my usual getting worked up about them and forgetting my prayers.

It was right at this point I felt God say to me "are you going to keep praying for him and others then just act in the opposite of what you have just asked Me for?" Well, it made me pause then feel rather guilty. It was a very valid point. Would you ask someone to help you with a problem then, having done that, start acting in a way which would then actually make the problem worse rather than better? Of course not! How stupid and pointless would that be!

This is no different. I felt the challenge from God to be that, if I'm going to pray for people about issues which directly impact me then I need to live out my part, take that necessary action to become part of the answer to my prayer and give God room to work.

It's the same with my parents who are now elderly. My mother can be trying sometimes as, in her aging, her memory and also her wisdom in saying certain things falters. Some things can be hurtful but, as I pray, I have to remember not to get wound up by actions or words and to remember to love, honour and obey them both.

So the lesson and challenge for me at this time is if I want God to work in a person's life and they have a relationship with me I must remember to show God's love to them time and again whether through forgiveness, patience, not taking offence at everything or getting annoyed with them for every small infraction. I must be gracious to them because God has shown me grace and boy how I need his grace today and every day.

Help me in this God, I certainly can't do this in my own strength as I prove on a daily basis!