Confession of faith?

So you're a Christian, right? You are more than happy to tell people, yes? You're happy to share your faith, give your testimony, offer to pray for people?
If God tells you to speak to someone and tell them about his love, you do it, don't you?

Have you been a Christian for a year, five years, over twenty years?

Well I have called myself a Christian for over 30 years and I'm jealous of you because  you are doing something I seem incapable of.

You see, God has been challenging me of late. I keep thinking over and over about the call to testify to others about Him and yet my mouth remains closed. As I've tried to go back over why I have such a problem with sharing my faith, I've realised things about myself and they aren't that good. They are rather sad infact - a desperate need to be liked by everyone, to be whatever people require me to be so they will like me, to not rock the boat (and a profession of faith can often do that), a fear of abandonment and rejection and I am still unsure where those come from. (no I am not adopted nor are my parents divorced and I have not suffered abuse either).

But whatever my reasons, the bible clearly states that Jesus said "32"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. 33But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven." Matthew 10:32-33 (NIV).

This makes me tremble. In this time of increased loss of faith, particularly in a sole deity who says there are no other gods but Him and no other ways to Heaven accept via His Son. To acknowledge such a faith is an invitation to be derided.

But, in context, in some countries, this also means imprisonment, torture and death. Surely a few snide remarks and pink cheeks are so much better than martyrdom?!
I hear of the Chinese Christians who are treated brutally by the state and yet will willingly suffer such humiliations for their faith rather than deny God's work in their lives.

It makes me ashamed of myself. Have I faced such treatment? No! But still, on the few odd occassions when I have finally opened my mouth to quietly whisper my weedy profession of faith, I see the raised eyebrows and the questioning look as to why someone of supposed intelligence would believe in such a fairytale (in their eyes) and I squirm on the inside. I know they think less of me and I hate it. There, now you know my shame.

I have friends who openly talk about their faith, who are happy to share, when appropriate (not beating people over the head with a 10lb King James Bible) and who seem to shrug off the sneers and laughter.
So why am I this coward and why has God persisted with me when I struggle so much? Where is the boldness? I have even heard sermons preached that, if I am not bold about my faith then I must surely not be saved. I have wondered myself frequently, is this the case? But then deep down inside me, I do sense the confirmation, "You are mine!".

I am still discussing this with God. It's not a pleasant conversation. I am squirming again but this time its as I look at the blood-stained face of a man, beaten beyond recognition but wearing a crown of thorns and He still looks at me with his one good eye (the other closed up) and whispers from his ruined mouth "I love you, you are mine. I bought you for a price, my blood". How can I deny this man my allegiance to all and sundry. Why aren't I shouting my faith from the rooftops? Why am I such a coward? Suddenly, I am very conscious of Judas and I have an inkling of sympathy. He betrayed his lord with a kiss. I am betraying my lord with closed mouth and fearful eyes lest someone should mock me with laughter and cruel words. It is pitiful really.

Against the agony Christ experienced from the Garden of Gethsemane to the Cross where he breathed his last, my worries and fears are as nothing.  Against the torture and threat of death some Christians face, my concerns are miserable. Yet still my fears and anxieties close my mouth as firmly as if an iron gate had been placed infront of them.

Am I alone in this? Do others suffer such worries? Moreover, when am I ever to be set free from them so I can testify openly and happily to God's amazing love and goodness to mankind and, specifically, to me?

I need release. I need to speak out my belief in God and in his Son, Jesus Christ, that He died for my sins and that without him, I am lost. I need to bow the need and confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.

I'm praying God would change my heart, help me to lose my fear, to be given that boldness that the early church had when baptised with fire in the Upper room. I'm praying that God would enable me to get beyond my fear of people disliking me, teasing me, ridiculing me and help me to make my declaration of faith knowing that He is smiling on me.

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death." Romans 12:11