"Ease up!" - When we are our own punchbag.

 

In the last two weeks, I have been priviledged to have unprecented times of praise and worship and feel the closeness of God which is very rare for me. It's wonderful! It's a joy to spend time with God and enjoy His Presence. Once or twice it's been a battle to let go of my self-control, my self-consciousness about standing in a room on my own and raising my hands in the air, clapping my hands, kneeling or being prostrated before Him. I have even found it hard to pray or sing in tongues but have known that it's the right thing to do and, when I have, God has been so good and blessed me incredibly. Again, I never really questioned this when I was younger and I received the gift of tongues but, as I got older, I began to question that gift. I began to wonder if it was me just making funny sounds. I wondered what was the point of it. So there are times still when I have to take a leap of faith and just go for it, trust God that I am not offending Him but am using a gift that He gave me to build myself up and for Him to use to pray about what's on His heart.

Funny how we lose that ability to feel comfortable doing such things when we grow up. Children don't have it. But when we grow up, we become suspicious of anything like that, anything remotely emotional because we know that emotions are treacherous things. We're so careful to not "get it wrong" that we end up missing the blessing that comes from just doing as we feel lead. Sometimes emotions are good and are God-given. It's why Jesus said God longs for us to have a childlike faith, we trust Him and go where He leads.

 I don't get to join with other Christians to praise and worship often. There are circumstances that mean a trip to church is a rare treat! I haven't been to a conference, worshipped with 1000s, worshipped with 100s. I dream of it but to be able to praise with other Christians, to pray with them is just something my heart longs for but at this time, can't have. When you are cut off from the Body, you can just lose touch with spending time in God's Presence singing, praising. It's like doing it every Sunday keeps you in practice. I am badly out of practice so its not so natural for me to do these things, especially alone.
I speak from 6 years of not being attached to a church or body of believers.

So to spend time alone, singing, praising, just doesn't come naturally to me. It feels odd, feels forced sometimes and uncomfortable.I lack practice!

So what's with the title of this post? I'll expand.

I've spent time in God's Presence, I've felt refreshed, blessed, challenged, loved. I've prayed for change in my life, in my attitude. Time with God, at some point, will make you aware of your need for Him, for the areas in your life that need His forgiveness, healing, cleansing.
Later that same day, or perhaps the following day, I've then acted in a manner that doesn't suggest a woman who has been communing with her Lord!

Let me give an example - I had a evening recently when I was alone for an hour or so and decided to watch worship videos online. I had an amazing time with Jesus. It took me by complete surprise and I was so blessed to the point of tears. God was so good to me.
The following day, at work, things happened and I not only lost my temper but used bad language and was in a foul mood for a good part of the day, not really communicating with my colleagues and just letting a cloud of rage envelope me (bit like Pigpen from the Snoopy cartoons).
Nice,huh?

So then, I got home, managed to calm down. Then I listened to worship music, watching God tv, thinking about what I'd experienced and then how I've behaved and I've felt defeated. I felt dirty, I felt useless and I felt like I've once again let God down, as I seem to all the time. How is it possible that I can spend time with God  being lifted into a special place in Him and yet only hours later, just act like I haven't been anywhere close to Him?

So I was beating myself up mentally this day, apologizing to God and saying "how do You put up with me? Why do You bother? I keep getting it wrong!".

Well, I've been hearing God  and He is saying clearly to me "Ease up on yourself! Stop beating yourself up. I love you." It's not the first time I've heard this. A friend has said to me recently that God loves me and He wants me to understand He loves me for me, not how well I behave. I have struggled with this feeling for many years and long to be free of it. It comes from problems with perfectionism, wanting to get it right exactly.

So what I want to say is, if you are beating yourself up about habitual sins, tempers, attitudes but you are praying and confessing, repenting, God knows your heart. He loves us. He knows we struggle with these things. If you're like me, He knows we struggle with perfectionism.

I was reading about this in my bible only today - He loves us! If God isn't beating up on us, do we think we're so much better than Him that we feel the need to do the job for Him, the one that, in our eyes, He appears to be neglecting?

No! Ease up on yourself. That's not to say be comfortable with sin but there is a difference. God is a good Father. Keep enjoying His Presence and let Him deal with you and your sins in His time but let Him spoil you in the meantime with His love. Yes, none of us deserve it but He gives it anyway. Isn't that the point? We are undeserving but God's love is so special that He gives it to us anyway.....BECAUSE HE LOVES US!!!



Button-pushing, Strongholds and Love



Ever had a time when some of your biggest fears seem to be prodded almost daily? Ever been confronted with an aspect of your character that you didn't like, swear to change it then find that daily, you fall down in that particular area?

If you're human then, at some point in your life, you will have experienced one or both of these cirumstances.
Why do these things happen, especially if you're trying so hard to overcome that fear, making every effort to knock that bad attitude on the head? It can wear a body down and, if you're not careful, you can find yourself just saying "oh well, it's me. I can't change. It's just too hard. You can even feel like stamping your feet and saying "it's not fair!". Go on, be honest now.

 One of my great fears is rejection. I feel sick when I think people don't like me and, as I've touched on in previous posts, I'm a bit of a people-pleaser. Common sense tells me this is from my own insecurities but knowing that doesn't actually change anything. In the last seven days, I've come up against real and perceived rejection. It's hurt and angered me.

These experiences have caused me to now confront something unpleasant in my character.It's the old "tit for tat" attitude. If you hurt me by rejecting me then I'm going to behave this way (withdraw from you emotionally and sometimes physically or go on the attack and either be upfront rude or mutter under my breath or to others). I agree, it's pretty infantile behaviour really and not how a supposedly mature Christian should act. I should add here that "mature" is said tongue-in-cheek. I may have been a Christian for 30+ years but I act as though I have all the understanding of a newborn (I actually think most newborns are ahead of me really).

I've been pondering this, inbetween my mood swings of sadness at the rejection then anger at the "perpetrators", and have had some thoughts in the following order :

1. Early in the week and even up to this morning - It's the devil's fault. He knows I want to press on in God this year. He knows I want to see radical change in my life so he's chosen one of my key areas and decided to start punching that button, all the while laughing at my lack of faith whilst I boo-hoo to myself about being rejected. He must be chuckling away as I do some of his job for him in ignoring some people, whispering about people (me, who hates gossip, supposedly!). So I've thought about spiritual warfare, how might I fight him, how I need to plead for God to get him off my case so I can continue my walk in peace and harmony.
2. In the last hour or so (I like to keep things current) - If I've been praying for God to change my heart and draw me closer to Him, won't God want me to face these things - fear of rejection, the angry attitude and selfish behaviour? God spoke to me earlier this year (see my previous post) and told me that this year would be about strongholds and their removal. Well, fear plays a big part in my life and drives quite a bit of what comes out of my mouth, how  I act and also what I don't say and don't do.Fear of rejection is one of the strongest fears I have. Wouldn't God, in His love, want to tear that stronghold down in my life? So who is responsible for these circumstances? I'm not going to say God because I don't think He makes people reject us or make us think we are being rejected even when we aren't. I do, however, believe He will make use of such events in our lives for His own purpose.

So my conclusion is, if you have recently been praying for God to move in your life, to change you and make you more like Jesus, to being you closer to your Father where you can experience more of His love and fall in love with Him yourself, don't be surprised if things get tough suddenly. I think God is answering your prayer because He takes what you say seriously (sadly sometimes what we pray about, we're not actually that serious about).

So, thanks to a good friend, I've been reminded of Romans 8: 38-39. "38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

If I feel I'm being rejected I need to use what God has so generously given to me, His Word, and pray it over myself, declare it aloud and, most importantly, BELIEVE IT! It's pointless spouting this stuff unless there is belief that it's true and, if that's the case, then pray God will help you to believe it. I will be doing that for myself because it's easy to believe it for others but not for one's self - such an error.

God's love is such that He isn't out to trip us up but that, in the confronting of the attitude, the fear, there would come understanding, repentance if required, forgiveness, healing and release. It can happen.

I write this post as much for myself as for anyone who might read it. I can be very slow-witted when it comes to God, His love for me, the promise of His Word.  So, in putting this in print, I want to reinforce the message that God does answer our prayers for change but, in doing so, He may have to take us out of a comfort zone and make us uncomfortable so He can bring about that change we long for.

Hold on, keep going, persevere.I'm running with you. Let's press on.

Philippians 1:6

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

The Approval Junkie

So what's the latest? Well I think I may have started a theme here. My last post touched on me having an issue with people disliking me.

Over the last few days, my thoughts have come back to this, largely because of recent experience. I have found myself not able to meet people's expectations and, being the person I am, I have also found myself second-guessing others' expections. Needless to say, this has been in a negative light.

I have cried a number of times this week, partly upset and partly in anger and frustration. You see I am desperate to have people's approval, for them to confirm that I have worth in their eyes, that I have done well at such and such, that they are pleased with me.

This is especially prevalent in my close personal relationships. I panic that I haven't done enough. If I sense disapproval, whether imagined or real, I can tear myself to pieces mentally trying to figure out what I did wrong and how far I need to go to fix it, make it better, have them love me again. Yes, even in this, I suspect in my heart that they have stopped.

Then, at some point, there is the anger at the person. Why have they decided to withhold themselves from me? Why can't I have their love, acceptance, approval? Why am I having to jump through these hoops like a performing circus animal? Why am I having to hold them up and do everything they want? What about my needs, my wants? How would they like it if I made them go through this kind of feeling?
This particular train of thought ends up going down the childish path of "it's not fair" and a pity party for one with popped ballons and broken kazoos!

Joyce Meyer speaks of people-pleasers in an article on her website and gives an accurate description of them.
"I am talking about a pressure to perform—an unhealthy drive to be accepted and approved by others. It is a desire so strong that it influences and controls the majority of our decisions."
She later adds "There are some individuals who have spent a good part of their lives trying to please other people, and as a result, they are unhappy, bitter, resentful and depressed. How other people think and feel about them has become so important that it is like an addiction affecting every part of who they are."


This is so me!!

But I know I am not the only one who suffers from approval addiction. There are others out there, in varying degrees of panic, who suffer as I do. Do we need a shrink? A counsellor? I wouldn't rule those out for anyone, probably a good idea. But also, if we have faith in God, shouldn't we bring Him into the picture? We are Christians, after all.

Now even here, the addiction can distort the perceived relationship with Father. The addict can feel unworthy and unloved, no matter what biblical passage has been thrown their way to boost their confidence. Imagine you don't speak Greek and someone begins to tell you wonderful things but in Greek. They could be telling you that you've won the Euro Lottery but it won't do you any good unless you understand the language!

If I can be completely honest, I know with my head that God loves me. To quote an old children's song, "the bible tells me so". However, when does it go from being head knowledge to heart knowledge, to an experience of this Love? Then there is the added pressure of not relying on emotions.

Sometimes I find the faith can be a minefield and it seems like I'm trying to make sense of something that is purposefully confusing. I just want to find God. I want to stop needing the approval of others to give me worth and purpose, so that I will stop being upset or very angry with these people when I feel I have let them down.

The addict knows in their heart of hearts that they cannot always change the reaction of the person to them. There has to be acceptance that at some point people will inevitably disappoint people. There also has to be the realisation that one can't read people's minds and that what is perceived to be disappointment in an addict is actually totally unrelated and has nothing to do with them. But this is too rational for the addict. What addition can be called rational?!

So is there a cure for the approval junkie, whatever stage of addiction they happen to be in?

I believe that God can cure anything. However, He will sometimes ask us if we want to be cured. Remember blind Bartemaus in Mark? (Chap 10 v 46-52). I sense that, for my walk, this is what God will ask of me? Am I ready to do whatever He says in order to have that freedom? I know I want it but do I want it badly enough?

I have no idea how this is going to pan out.
I very much hope that I will be able to let God help me, cure me of this addiction that causes me pain, causes me to sin and adds stress to myself and to others around me. I want to be free of it. I want to be a mature Christian, looking out for the needs of others but also seeing myself as God sees me, someone He loves and who, in His eyes, has worth and value, an amazing one-of-a-kind person with a future that is good and full of hope.

I am praying that God will set me free and that, sometime in the not too distant future, I will be able to post on here that I am a recovering addict from approval and people-pleasing. Maybe, in turn, that will free me at last to witness openly and joyfully for God.

Longing to be loved

"How many of you see God as longing to be loved by you?"

This quote is taken from the book "Captivating" written by John and Stasi Eldridge, a book I am reading for the second time.

I initially bought the book about a year ago on recommendations from others who said it had totally opened their eyes to God's love for them. I did my usual and ripped through it in no time. I am a devourer of books and sometimes read them so fast that I dont actually take in deeply what I'm reading.

Yeah, it seemed a good book and I thought some deepish thoughts on it then moved on.

Well, of late, a friend told me she was reading this book, as recommended by someone and we spoke about it a bit. I decided I would have another read of this but, this time, slowly, hopefully giving me time to properly digest what I would read.

I didn't get beyond the introduction before I was in tears. Yup, this time, I was letting the words get through to my ice maiden's heart. All the talk of a woman just wanting to be loved for herself, of feeling as though she was too much or not enough for anyone to actually love her without having to be or so many things. Story of my life - I have always been a mask wearer for fear that I won't be accepted as I am. Not sure where I picked up this habit but it is deeply ingrained in my pysche now and affects everything, including my faith in God.

I actually wondered whether I wanted to carry on reading this book, bearing in mind the affect it had had on me just in the intro! But I have been reading bits and pieces over the last week. In chapter one, it spoke of the key things of importance to a woman and how they reflect and speak to us of God's heart too. They are the desire to be romanced, the desire to be part of a great adventure and to be the beauty in the fairytale who is fought for. God longs to have a romance with us, is the One who can truly give us the adventure our hearts long for and His beauty is matchless and waiting to be discovered.
As I thought on this and the comments about women desiring relationship and it being the core of their character, I thought on my longings and realised that I too long for relationship but wondered if, with the pains of life experience, have I suffocated that part of my character and closed it off to all, including God?

However, I digress. I have only just got into chapter two when I came across the above gem of a question.

It stopped me in my tracks. I was at the car wash at the time, having my car cleaned and using the moment in the waiting room to do a little reading. As I sat there watching the suds roll down my dirty car, I took a long look at myself, asked my heart the question, "Do I see God as longing to be loved by me?".

In all honesty, the answer was, and is, "No, not ever!" It has never occurred to me that God, the Almighty, the Creator of Heaven and earth, all powerful with the power of life and death over all things, majestic and fearsome, King of Glory and the Great I Am, would actually long to be loved by ME.
I mean this is God we are talking about. Why should it matter to Him whether some flea called Caroline loves Him or not? Truly, aren't we bringing Him down to our level? But wait, God created us in His image. So if we have this longing, it has to be because He put it there.

I understand the loving God as a duty, something we should do because He's God, to be feared and praised. Of course we should love God, its expected. We owe Him our lives.  The love mentioned in the book however sounds more like affection, passionate as you would be for a lover, all-consuming. There is no sense of duty here but of raw need and desire.

When I try to think of this kind of love and God at the same time, it just hurts my head. I can't feel that way about Him although I remember faintly having more passion for God when I was younger, more enthusiasm for the things of God. How sad must that make God! He feels too remote for me to feel that way about Him and yet I know with my head that its me that has placed that distance between us. Is this again the effects of a heart broken many times over the years and having closed up to prevent further hurt but closing off so throughly that even God can't get through?

Funny thing is, another friend has said on a number of occassions that, on praying for me, she has sensed that God desperately wants me to give Him my heart fully, to love Him passionately and pursue Him for Himself. There is sense of God yearning for me to love Him the way He loves me. I suppose in that, therein lies another issue.

My head tells me He loves me. The Bible tells me this too and I know that you would be crazy to send  a family member off to die a cruel death for someone you didn't love but I can't translate that to me for some reason. I know it with my head, I have yet to really feel this with my heart.

So my prayer to God at this moment is "Show me Your Heart, God and please melt mine with love, real passionate love, for you". I want to have that fire of passion burning through me for God and to get lost in His Presence. I know that, just as in love between husband and wife, the feeling of love ebbs and flows - sometimes fiercely passionate, other times warm and cuddly, friendship with God will sometimes be the burning fire and other times the walk of obedience. But at the moment, it feels like my heart is beating so slowly as to be too weak to pump the life-giving blood of a love relationship with God around my spirit.

Ask yourself the question? Be truthful? Do you need to ask God to stir up passion and desire for Him once again or maybe for the first time ever in your life? You aren't alone. If you've been a christian for a long time, its easy enough to let time and experience dull you to His charms. If you are not a christian, you may have no idea what I'm talking about. But maybe your curiousity is piqued. What have you got to lose? Ask the question then pray the prayer - "God, show me Your Heart and melt mine with love, real passionate love, for You." You know I'll be praying this too.

Let's keep each other posted on what He says/does in answer to this prayer.