Are you offended? Get over it!

Ok, it wasn't put in quite the way of my title but I've got to grab your attention somehow and I can be shameless in attention-grabbing headlines - look out UK nationals!

So what am I talking about? Well yesterday's post started off a subject, that of being bitter about actions of others that have impacted one's life and coming to a point of letting go, of forgiving and releasing them.

This was with reference to men, be they close relatives or previous relationships that went awry.

God decided He wanted to continue the conversation today. This happened whilst I was on the internet, of all places (probably one of the key places to get offended at something real quick!). As I was going through various blogs, church websites and the like, I began to think about people from church that, for one reason or another, I felt badly towards. Some of these people are no longer alive, some have not remained in my life, some are currently around in a position to influence me or not. But with each face that passed through my mind, I could feel rejection, upset and offence. They had hurt me in some way. As I continued to think on this, I realised that, for some of them, I wasn't even actually sure they had done something to validate my feeling of offence, merely that I suspected they thought such-and-such.

Hmmm. It's one thing to have something you can actually point to and say "they did that" but then taking it to "well they looked at me in a funny way" or "I know what they are thinking, they think I'm ...."!

And it was here that God challenged me. In light of yesterday and where God asked me to forgive, to let go of the marah waters in my heart in exchange for clean water of His Spirit (think I may have forgotten to share that yesterday!), here was another task. See, when God gets onto a topic, we address it then move on. We think we're done but God is into slow cooking. I reckon the slow cooker was His invention. He wants us to simmer on the thoughts He's placed in our minds till we see change, renewal. Sometimes He'll take us off the cooker, move us on to another stage then He'll take us back to that same topic at a later date.

Slightly off subject there, sorry! Anyway, I began to think about these Christians who may or may not have actually done something to upset me, intentionally or unintentionally. It didn't matter either way, God wanted me to release these same people in the way I'd released the men yesterday. I was to forgive for the offence, real or imagined, then repent of bitterness in my heart and then extend God's grace and freedom to those individuals. A couple are/were pastors and I felt to pray for them specifically regarding their ministries and to pray blessing and double portions on their works. Today, no tears but a feeling of doing business with God, of getting down to nitty gritty.

As with all these challenges, I know I will come up against this soon, to see whether I will remain in forgiveness or try to take back all the feelings of hurt again, let bitterness grow and have a foothold once again in my life. I will probably fluff it a few times, sometimes I will actually be able to resist. In both cases, God will be with me and will encourage me because, in His love for me, He wants me free of this.

In the writing of this post, I've just remembered yet another church authority figure whom I really need to forgive so even now, God is working.

Think about it, is there a Christian that you need to forgive, whatever the reason, real or imagined? Do you need to forgive, release them from your judgement then pray God's blessing on them?

Think carefully. I believe there is freedom for ourselves to be gained here.



The Approval Junkie

So what's the latest? Well I think I may have started a theme here. My last post touched on me having an issue with people disliking me.

Over the last few days, my thoughts have come back to this, largely because of recent experience. I have found myself not able to meet people's expectations and, being the person I am, I have also found myself second-guessing others' expections. Needless to say, this has been in a negative light.

I have cried a number of times this week, partly upset and partly in anger and frustration. You see I am desperate to have people's approval, for them to confirm that I have worth in their eyes, that I have done well at such and such, that they are pleased with me.

This is especially prevalent in my close personal relationships. I panic that I haven't done enough. If I sense disapproval, whether imagined or real, I can tear myself to pieces mentally trying to figure out what I did wrong and how far I need to go to fix it, make it better, have them love me again. Yes, even in this, I suspect in my heart that they have stopped.

Then, at some point, there is the anger at the person. Why have they decided to withhold themselves from me? Why can't I have their love, acceptance, approval? Why am I having to jump through these hoops like a performing circus animal? Why am I having to hold them up and do everything they want? What about my needs, my wants? How would they like it if I made them go through this kind of feeling?
This particular train of thought ends up going down the childish path of "it's not fair" and a pity party for one with popped ballons and broken kazoos!

Joyce Meyer speaks of people-pleasers in an article on her website and gives an accurate description of them.
"I am talking about a pressure to perform—an unhealthy drive to be accepted and approved by others. It is a desire so strong that it influences and controls the majority of our decisions."
She later adds "There are some individuals who have spent a good part of their lives trying to please other people, and as a result, they are unhappy, bitter, resentful and depressed. How other people think and feel about them has become so important that it is like an addiction affecting every part of who they are."


This is so me!!

But I know I am not the only one who suffers from approval addiction. There are others out there, in varying degrees of panic, who suffer as I do. Do we need a shrink? A counsellor? I wouldn't rule those out for anyone, probably a good idea. But also, if we have faith in God, shouldn't we bring Him into the picture? We are Christians, after all.

Now even here, the addiction can distort the perceived relationship with Father. The addict can feel unworthy and unloved, no matter what biblical passage has been thrown their way to boost their confidence. Imagine you don't speak Greek and someone begins to tell you wonderful things but in Greek. They could be telling you that you've won the Euro Lottery but it won't do you any good unless you understand the language!

If I can be completely honest, I know with my head that God loves me. To quote an old children's song, "the bible tells me so". However, when does it go from being head knowledge to heart knowledge, to an experience of this Love? Then there is the added pressure of not relying on emotions.

Sometimes I find the faith can be a minefield and it seems like I'm trying to make sense of something that is purposefully confusing. I just want to find God. I want to stop needing the approval of others to give me worth and purpose, so that I will stop being upset or very angry with these people when I feel I have let them down.

The addict knows in their heart of hearts that they cannot always change the reaction of the person to them. There has to be acceptance that at some point people will inevitably disappoint people. There also has to be the realisation that one can't read people's minds and that what is perceived to be disappointment in an addict is actually totally unrelated and has nothing to do with them. But this is too rational for the addict. What addition can be called rational?!

So is there a cure for the approval junkie, whatever stage of addiction they happen to be in?

I believe that God can cure anything. However, He will sometimes ask us if we want to be cured. Remember blind Bartemaus in Mark? (Chap 10 v 46-52). I sense that, for my walk, this is what God will ask of me? Am I ready to do whatever He says in order to have that freedom? I know I want it but do I want it badly enough?

I have no idea how this is going to pan out.
I very much hope that I will be able to let God help me, cure me of this addiction that causes me pain, causes me to sin and adds stress to myself and to others around me. I want to be free of it. I want to be a mature Christian, looking out for the needs of others but also seeing myself as God sees me, someone He loves and who, in His eyes, has worth and value, an amazing one-of-a-kind person with a future that is good and full of hope.

I am praying that God will set me free and that, sometime in the not too distant future, I will be able to post on here that I am a recovering addict from approval and people-pleasing. Maybe, in turn, that will free me at last to witness openly and joyfully for God.