Facing ones fears - abandonment

I am continuing to read Captivating, a book that is speaking volumes to me at present and which I've already blogged on.

Well the journey I've begun in what God wants to reveal to me is also continuing.

When I was a little girl, I used to have a recurring nightmare. I would be sat on the roof of my parents' house and would watch them, my grandparents and my sister leave the house and begin to walk away down the road. I would call after them and they would assure me they would come back for me but I knew as they went around the corner out of sight that they wouldn't and I would be alone forever.

Recently I had a dream where I was young again, a teen, and in my dream I was at a party with a friend and no boy wanted to go out with me but my friend was inundated with offers of dates. I could feel the rejection in my dream. When I woke, I associated the feelings in the dream as being a very strong reflection of the real feelings of rejection I had when I was a teen going through this experience.

So how does this tie up? Well the chapters in the book I have read in the last two weeks have been about what God set in women's hearts, our desires, our hopes, what woman's character traits say about God and how our experiences have damaged us so that we don't refect God's character to the world as we should. (Hope I'm making sense here).

The book refers to Eve's taking the apple (yes, that incident) and the lack of trust it showed in God but also the cowardly passiveness of the man and how that affected Eve. Since then women in general have a deep-seated fear that God won't come through for them and that they can't really trust Him so they go out to find security for themselves and here is where things go wrong. We go looking for love and security in the wrong places because we are frightened we will be abandoned. We long to be loved, to be secure, to be the beauty who is fought for, the woman who is protected and to be involved in a great adventure. Our questions are "Am I beautiful, am I captivating? Do you love me? Am I wanted?"

If we feel those questions aren't being answered positively then we go looking for the answers in the wrong places if we don't go directly to God. When the question is answered negatively we can become controlling and dominating as we don't want to be vulnerable again (as asking those questions make us) so we become strong in ourselves. Alternatively we can become needy, mousy and desolate or even a combination of the two. In our pain and rejection, we can start to hate the natural vulnerability that God set in womankind to show that tenderhearted side of the heart of God to all and to become guarded and feel we can't share our real selves.

As I pondered this, I realised that in having my questions answered negatively at an early age, I learnt to become a combination of the two. Mousy and weak in some instances, forceful in others and nearly always looking in the wrong place for the positive answer to my questions. I also know that I truly feel that I can't be myself because there is that fear of being rejected. "They won't like me if they see me as I really am so I must behave this way". The theory is that if people don't like you then they will abandon you either physically, emotionally or both.

Some years back I wrote a poem to this effect called the Chameleon. I have always felt the need to be all things to all people and have gone out of my way most of my life to fit in, not to rock the boat or have differing opinions in order to be accepted. This concept of having to wear masks that people seem to require from me because the real me might be too much for them or not enough. I have it even now and with other Christians as well as non-Christians. As you can imagine, this fear has truly stunted my growth as a Christian and meant that my witness as a Christian has been virtually at a non-existant level, a thing that causes me shame but that I struggle to get through.

I have been able to attend church a few times this year (difficult circumstances dictate it as something I can't do often without causing ructions in the home). The pastor and his wife have been very sweet and welcoming to me when I've turned up. However, I frequently feel as though they are analysing me and thinking maybe that I am a bad influence on their church and will tell me to stop coming, that they actually are waiting to say something to me along the lines of "you are a bad influence. We don't want you to infect our flock. We don't want you". It's pretty horrible to feel this way but its a very real and strong fear I have.

Captivating talks about this fear of rejection. It speaks also of shame. Now that isn't a word that I actually associated with loneliness and fear of abandonment, shame. But then I read the description...."Shame causes us to hide. We are afraid of being truly seen, and so we hide our truest selves and offer what we believe is wanted". If that isn't the definition of a chameleon then I don't know what is!

As I have pondered this over the last two weeks, other things have fallen into place. I mentioned a few posts ago about drinking problems in the family, including me. I was considering taking a break from drinking, learning to be responsible in my consumption. As I considered it, a voice in me said "if I stop drinking, will I become a bore, dull and unexciting, less fun and funny?" It was a shocking thought. Did I really think that by drinking it made me a more interesting companion, friend, relative etc. I've actually done some of the most ridiculous and stupid things when I have been out of control that way. Not the smartest thing. There was fear behind this thought, what if the real me stands up and "they" find out what I'm really like?

Another chapter called "A Special Hatred" followed swiftly on the heels of this revelation. It spoke about how satan has fed women with a message that strikes fear into her heart and causes her to take her eyes off God. A voice will subtly speak to her and tell her " you are alone,when they see who you really are, you will be alone and no-one will ever truly come for you". Its funny but a number of women I have spoken to over the years have said how they can feel alone, even when married and with or without children.

So why are we trapped in our loneliness and heartache, this fear of abandonment? God wants to be our source of security, He wants to be our everything and our sense of worth defined by Him and what He says about us. Sadly, when we are fearful, we can go to other things for this feeling of security. The devil uses this cunningly to get us to take our eyes off God and so look to ourselves or others to provide that security. 

Because God loves us so much, he will "hem" us in so that we come to an end of ourselves and come to recognise our need for God. The book mentioned a specific area and my heart jumped as it recognised this area to be exactly where I go currently for my security and salvation. However God is allowing such hardship in that area that I am being challenged to throw myself on His mercy and seek Him for the security I crave, where I should always be looking.

It's deeply unpleasant to be in this position but this also links into me praying a while back (again a few posts ago) for me to learn to love God and have a heart that truly desires Him and has a passion for Him, to be stirred up. God is luring me back to Himself. He will allow things in my life to draw me back to Him. He has a plan for my life and the key in that plan is my relationship with Him, restored, renewed and totally in love with Him, committed to Him.

There is some deep stuff going on. I am having interesting conversations with family members about the past, growing up and coming to a level of understanding of why I am the way I am. God doesn't want the Chameleon, He wants me with no masks but instead the person He created me to be. He doesn't want me to pretend to be anyone else other than me, the one He thought of as I was being put together in the womb (Ps 139). The amazing thing is God sent His Son to die for the person I really am, the person that hides behind the masks and the fears. If God loved me enough that He would do that, why should I go to anyone else for my security? God's answer to my questions are "Yes, you are beautiful, I created you. Yes I think you're captivating, I created you to be. Yes I do love you very much. Yes, you are very much wanted, you are My child, My daughter".

Fighting history

Yup, me again. I seem to have a lot to say these days. The beauty of this blog is that about two people other than myself have viewed it so I don't have to worry that people think I have nothing better to do with my life or that I'm just trying to attract attention to myself by constant blogging!

I mentioned only this week that blogging is cathartic to me and I am able to process what is going on in my life when I write. So whether this is read or not, I'm still getting something out of it. That's got to be good.

Anyway, enough of the preamble.

Families are tough things. On the one hand, there is joy in being part of a family and coming together. Christmases and other high days and holidays are better (at least mostly better) and just knowing that there are people on the planet that would notice if you weren't around anymore.

But equally families can be a huge source of frustration, tension, bitterness, upset.  They can be a blessing and a curse.

Why the title, "Fighting history".? Well on a number of levels actually.

I continue to read the book "Captivating" mentioned in one of my earlier blogs and personality traits are being highlighted that I know have been handed down to me through my family. I'd love to say these are positive ones but they aren't. In fairness, to give a slightly balanced view, I have received positive traits too from my family. My mother's love of music and her artistic nature, love of creativity, writing, painting, making music. It was she that first spoke to me of God and Jesus, although she became a Christian long after I had but our discussions and her ensuring I went to Sunday School laid a positive foundation for me spiritually. I've inherited my my Grandfather's love of theatre and drama. My love of nature comes from my Grandmother and my colouring is totally my father's, very European looking.

But the negative traits can also be passed along the generational lines. My mother can be very domineering and controlling. I know she doesn't recognise this in herself but it has effected the whole family and how my sister and I were brought up, how I view God as a parent and how I feel about myself. In fairness, this was probably passed down to her from my Grandfather who, in turn, was the same.  I think I may have inherited his temper!

In a chapter in "Captivating", it addresses the effects of the Fall and our ejection from the Garden of Eden and the effect it had on all womankind. The worry is common, that God and man (the gender) cannot really be trusted with our security. So a split has developed in how women deal with this falsehood (certainly false about God anyway. Man is also fallen). Some women can be domineering and forceful. I immediately thought of my mother and the various events in my life as a result of that character trait and what is has meant for me and for my relationship with my mother.

Basically, on certain occasions when I have really needed her comfort and good advice or, more than advice, just a listening ear, instead I have received judgement, anger misdirected at me and no comfort at all. I hasten to add here that this is only some occasions, in others she has totally shone through for me.

But the other occasions have so shattered me that I have since withdrawn from my mother both emotionally and also physically. This will sound dreadful but I have put distance between us and don't visit as often as I should or phone as often as I should. My sister has withdrawn even further emotionally. 

The other kind of women are mousy, needy and desolate or a bit of both, sometimes controlling and sometimes needy. I see myself as the third. The controlling influence I see as being from my mother, the neediness as being my counter play in my efforts not to be like her and not to continue the cycle.

If I was to associate a word with my mother from my childhood it would be "disappointed". Hence its a bit difficult to see God as being any different sometimes. I know this is remarkably unfair. I have not been a parent but have friends who are and who are aware just how easy it is to have a negative influence on their child's character. Its a tough job and children are not little angels all the time but frequently little monsters who push all our buttons and take us to the edge of sanity on occasions. I say this because I am a step parent so, if you like, understand a little by proxy.

But what about the ten commandments, I hear you say? What about the command to "honour your father and your mother"? Well, in all honesty, I do fall down here. I know I am not following this. Equally, as my mother progresses into advanced old age, she becomes more needy, but on her terms, and I am appalled and pull away. It saddens me to understand her desperate need but at the same time I am angered by her stubbornness to cling to certain attitudes and thought processes, her manipulation of those close to her. My reaction is to do the opposite that she did with her parents. I have turned the other way whereas she effectively chose her parents over her husband and children again and again.

I have much to work through. I have possibly gone too much the other way. Yes, its important to chose one's husband, to leave and cleave but God didn't say "abandon your parents!". But I find I am sometimes put into a position of choosing and, in my efforts to ensure that the mistakes of the past aren't made again, I go to extremes.

I also battle the sulking and "payback" attitude of my father. He could sulk for Britain and, if he wants to make a point, can ignore you or withhold emotionally, largely through temper. I can do this too, it's another piece of history that I battle in myself. He has also struggled with affairs and alcohol abuse. I too have suffered in both these areas.

Then there are the family feuds, the fall outs with various branches of the family and why we don't mix with that branch or talk with the other branch. I'm still not talking to one section of the family because of something that happened 14 years ago. When I think about it, I get very angry and the though of letting go and trying to reconcile makes me ill. So much for being a Christian, huh? I know that this attitude is wrong, wrong, wrong. Even this attitude is something very strong on my father's side, he and my paternal Grandmother didn't speak for many years because of a fall out!

I know that Romans has the amazing verse that we are all new creations in Christ and it is the truth. But you may have experienced the same in your life, it takes a while for the truth to take root in your heart and head, even if the spirit has taken it on! So yes, I am a new creation but I am still wearing the clothes of the old man who is struggling with generational sins and consequences of actions.

I see the consequences of actions and of attitudes handed down through families when I look at my husband, people I have known for many years, relations. We are all fighting history.

Something within me says that this fighting is not right. That surely this was dealt with at the Cross and there is no longer a need to fight it. There is another part of me that says what about the good history, good choices that were made? What about our spiritual history, what Jesus did in the past, dying on a Cross for our sins and saving us from the penalty of every sin we have ever or will ever commit? Isn't that positive history?

So I am somewhat torn at present. I need to repent of the negative feelings I have for my parents, as well as for my relatives, but also establish boundaries with them that include still honouring them as God has commanded. I'm not sure how this will work out. I'd love to end this post on a positive note and say that all will be well but its pretty messed up in my family so I will have to pray, repent, pray, repent and ask God for wisdom. I want to stop fighting the negative history and I want to start rejoicing in the good history, the good legacies that are left for me, to become a bridge builder and bring reconciliation but right now, that looks as likely as a tree that sprouts gold leaves appearing in my garden!

Longing to be loved

"How many of you see God as longing to be loved by you?"

This quote is taken from the book "Captivating" written by John and Stasi Eldridge, a book I am reading for the second time.

I initially bought the book about a year ago on recommendations from others who said it had totally opened their eyes to God's love for them. I did my usual and ripped through it in no time. I am a devourer of books and sometimes read them so fast that I dont actually take in deeply what I'm reading.

Yeah, it seemed a good book and I thought some deepish thoughts on it then moved on.

Well, of late, a friend told me she was reading this book, as recommended by someone and we spoke about it a bit. I decided I would have another read of this but, this time, slowly, hopefully giving me time to properly digest what I would read.

I didn't get beyond the introduction before I was in tears. Yup, this time, I was letting the words get through to my ice maiden's heart. All the talk of a woman just wanting to be loved for herself, of feeling as though she was too much or not enough for anyone to actually love her without having to be or so many things. Story of my life - I have always been a mask wearer for fear that I won't be accepted as I am. Not sure where I picked up this habit but it is deeply ingrained in my pysche now and affects everything, including my faith in God.

I actually wondered whether I wanted to carry on reading this book, bearing in mind the affect it had had on me just in the intro! But I have been reading bits and pieces over the last week. In chapter one, it spoke of the key things of importance to a woman and how they reflect and speak to us of God's heart too. They are the desire to be romanced, the desire to be part of a great adventure and to be the beauty in the fairytale who is fought for. God longs to have a romance with us, is the One who can truly give us the adventure our hearts long for and His beauty is matchless and waiting to be discovered.
As I thought on this and the comments about women desiring relationship and it being the core of their character, I thought on my longings and realised that I too long for relationship but wondered if, with the pains of life experience, have I suffocated that part of my character and closed it off to all, including God?

However, I digress. I have only just got into chapter two when I came across the above gem of a question.

It stopped me in my tracks. I was at the car wash at the time, having my car cleaned and using the moment in the waiting room to do a little reading. As I sat there watching the suds roll down my dirty car, I took a long look at myself, asked my heart the question, "Do I see God as longing to be loved by me?".

In all honesty, the answer was, and is, "No, not ever!" It has never occurred to me that God, the Almighty, the Creator of Heaven and earth, all powerful with the power of life and death over all things, majestic and fearsome, King of Glory and the Great I Am, would actually long to be loved by ME.
I mean this is God we are talking about. Why should it matter to Him whether some flea called Caroline loves Him or not? Truly, aren't we bringing Him down to our level? But wait, God created us in His image. So if we have this longing, it has to be because He put it there.

I understand the loving God as a duty, something we should do because He's God, to be feared and praised. Of course we should love God, its expected. We owe Him our lives.  The love mentioned in the book however sounds more like affection, passionate as you would be for a lover, all-consuming. There is no sense of duty here but of raw need and desire.

When I try to think of this kind of love and God at the same time, it just hurts my head. I can't feel that way about Him although I remember faintly having more passion for God when I was younger, more enthusiasm for the things of God. How sad must that make God! He feels too remote for me to feel that way about Him and yet I know with my head that its me that has placed that distance between us. Is this again the effects of a heart broken many times over the years and having closed up to prevent further hurt but closing off so throughly that even God can't get through?

Funny thing is, another friend has said on a number of occassions that, on praying for me, she has sensed that God desperately wants me to give Him my heart fully, to love Him passionately and pursue Him for Himself. There is sense of God yearning for me to love Him the way He loves me. I suppose in that, therein lies another issue.

My head tells me He loves me. The Bible tells me this too and I know that you would be crazy to send  a family member off to die a cruel death for someone you didn't love but I can't translate that to me for some reason. I know it with my head, I have yet to really feel this with my heart.

So my prayer to God at this moment is "Show me Your Heart, God and please melt mine with love, real passionate love, for you". I want to have that fire of passion burning through me for God and to get lost in His Presence. I know that, just as in love between husband and wife, the feeling of love ebbs and flows - sometimes fiercely passionate, other times warm and cuddly, friendship with God will sometimes be the burning fire and other times the walk of obedience. But at the moment, it feels like my heart is beating so slowly as to be too weak to pump the life-giving blood of a love relationship with God around my spirit.

Ask yourself the question? Be truthful? Do you need to ask God to stir up passion and desire for Him once again or maybe for the first time ever in your life? You aren't alone. If you've been a christian for a long time, its easy enough to let time and experience dull you to His charms. If you are not a christian, you may have no idea what I'm talking about. But maybe your curiousity is piqued. What have you got to lose? Ask the question then pray the prayer - "God, show me Your Heart and melt mine with love, real passionate love, for You." You know I'll be praying this too.

Let's keep each other posted on what He says/does in answer to this prayer.