Feel?

Hopefully most people are aware of a singer called Robbie Williams who hails from the UK.  He used to be part of a group called Take That (and I understand has now joined them again).

He and his then producer, Guy Chambers, wrote a song called "Feel". It was one of his few truly international hits, the other being "Angels".

Have you ever read the words? Thought about them? How come this song did so very well, with its rather downbeat lyrics? He'd had plenty other bouncy, more upbeat songs. What was it about this one that touched people?

I have a theory. Yes, it's only a theory, my own opinion that you may not agree with. This was brought back to me very recently as a person close to me listened to the song, sang along and began to cry because, they said the words said how they felt exactly.

This is why I think this song did so well, it touched a chord in many people.
Here's an excerpt:

"I just wanna feel real love, feel the home that I live in
Cos I got too much life running through my veins,
Going to waste.

I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either,
Before I fall in love, I'm preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death, that's why I keep on running
Before I've arrived, I can see myself coming"
Copyright R Williams/G Chambers

You can read all the lyrics by following this link.

What I'm getting at is that, increasingly, it seems that large numbers of people feel disconnected from their life, a sense of not being all or acheiving all they could be and do.
Bearing in mind the times we live in and how, in the Western world, the marjority have a disposable income, have a home, family and extra leisure time, why are so many of us feeling disatisfied with our lives, as though we have been short-changed somehow?

I speak to many people and hear a similar thread running through conversations of any depth. It comes back to feeling that there is more in life and it hasn't been attained yet. 

Supposedly, thanks to computers and modern conveniences, we now have more time on our hands, more time outside the office/factory/place of work where we can develop our skills, begin to fulfil our dreams but so few actually do. In fairness, it seems that more people are having to work longer hours and in Europe, the UK workforce seem to work the longest hours of all the countries.

So why is this? Well this will sound trite but I believe that our priorities in life are somewhat skewed.
That's not to say that life isn't hard, that bad things don't happen and that people, all of us, will from time to time feel a little down, that's just part of the human experience.
But this disatisfaction is because we all believed the lie that if we had more, the latest gadget, more money, that mobile phone, this car etc that life would suddenly attain meaning. We would be experiencing life at its finest and we would understand our purpose in life.  We would be fulfilled. Consumerism has failed us all. It didn't deliver. The excesses we embarked on left us dry and without hope.

Robbie sings "there's a hole in my soul, you can see it in my face, its a real big place". I believe it's the "God-shaped hole", although this has been so over-used now that even as I type I cringe. Do I mean that life will suddenly become this amazing thing and nothing bad will ever happen? No, I make no such claim. I believe in God and still get down, depressed, wonder about meaning in life etc. But that is not God's fault. It's actually mine because these feelings of helplessness and hopelessness usually come when I've either not done what I should do, done something I shouldn't have or have been affected by someone's doing or not doing either of those things. It calls in to question why I'm here and if I allow those feelings and thoughts to continue, down the road of sadness and listlessness I go.

The Westminster Catchechism states that "Man's chief end is to worship God and to enjoy Him forever".
If we aren't living this then we aren't fulfilling our purpose on this earth. If you are anything like me, when I first heard that, my initial reaction was "Oh great, time spent singing in a choir with my harp for the rest of eternity, going to endless church services and being totally and utterly boring. Where is the fun in any of this?"

But think of all the things that make us swell inside with joy, happiness or laughter. Breathtaking scenery can burn the heart with it's beauty. Who made that scenery? God.
What about enjoying the company of children who are laughing and playing, being funny? God created makind in the first instance, we are His idea.
How about music that makes us light-hearted, uplifted (any taste, rock, classical, jazz to name a few)? God blessed man with the creativity to make music, write plays, stories and poems, to paint, draw and mold, chisel, weld.

So when we do what God created us to do, we can find fulfilment. Will we still be affected by news of wars, famines, violence, greed? Yes, of course. We are a reflection of God's own heart. Because mankind chose to go his own way, what goes on in the world is not God's fault as so many of us will claim from time to time. That is such an easy answer and means we have yet another reason for not believing in Him and thereby obeying Him.  No, it's actually because somewhere down the line, the individual has decided to be selfish with what he's been given, whether it's talent, money, abilities and the result, when more individuals do this is war, violence, greed etc which means others suffer.

What has this to do with me, with others, including this person who cried listening to Robbie's song?

We feel the pain that all is not well with the world, we have lost the true sense of ourselves and who we really are, who we are called to be. Hence the pain when someone articulates it as beautifully as Robbie and Guy did. Our soul cries out and says "Yes, this is me. I know exactly what they mean. I have that hole in my soul. I'm not a whole person, something (Someone) is missing and the pain is awful".

The fact of the matter is God knows about that pain in the soul, He also sees the hole and He knows why it's there. He wants to fill it. He wants to give meaning to life. He has a purpose for each and every one of us. Fact is we will never be truly happy unless we find it and that means firstly acknowledging that God exists, that He is our Creator. It then means agreeing with Him that we are made for His pleasure and to have relationship with Him. From that base, everything else can flow. It will be a steep learning curve but we can do it. He will help us.

Am I there yet? Am I fulfilling my purpose in life? No, I don't think so, not yet so I speak as one who continues to have that hole. God is there but He will only fill the hole with Himself with as much as we will let Him. I continue to hesitate, prevaricate. Why? Well God and I are still discussing that one. But I do know He is the answer. I'm just haggling over the question!

Spiritual maturity - a tough assignment

It's been a while since my last post. Much has happened. Some good, some bad. It's life as we know it. You can't expect life to play fairly all the time. Life is consistently inconsistent.

Happily there is One who is consistent and we can rely on. God, His Son Jesus Christ and His Spirit! The Trinity, the three Persons who are one (a mystery if ever there was)!
He remains the same always, whatever is happening in the world, in our life, at work, at home, in our relationships, in our bodies and minds. Whatever is going on, God is always the same and He never changes.

Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."

Okay, so those of you who are Christians will say, "Nice one, way to state the flippin' obvious!".
Those who aren't probably have a number of arguments, questions or issues with that verse and previous statement.

I'm not going to address those here. All I can do is make you aware of discussions I've been a part of, the thoughts and struggles I've had and what I believe God is saying to me. I also believe He says this to all believers. I know there are others out there who grasped this some time ago so go make a coffee or something, flip to another blog because I don't wish to bore you rigid.

Somewhere along the line, the Christian faith was promoted as "come to Jesus and you'll never have another trouble in your life". It's the biggest pile of horsesh*t you are ever likely to hear and please disregard it if you do. It's an outright lie. Jesus never gave sermons on the Mount, or anywhere else for that matter, where He stated that belief in Him and His Father meant an easy life. If anything, He said the opposite!

Matthew 10:22 "all men will hate you because of Me..." Now does that sounds like life will really just become this carefree ride till death and Heaven?

But we somehow struggle with the "it's not fair" child syndrome, even in faith, even when we're cracking on in years and life on this planet should have taught us a few lessons about fairness, or the lack of it.

If I'm honest, there are still times now when I will say to my husband or even a friend the wonderful line of "It's not fair!".

If you've reached adulthood, I'm sure at sometime you have either had the conversation with a child about the concept of fair and unfair or have witnessed such a conversation and, with your life experience to date, you've smiled because you know that child will eventually learn that fair wasn't actually anything to do with that particular query. You know that they will experience, as you have, another person getting the job they felt they should have had, being passed over for promotion again, that that particular person didn't feel the same way they had felt about them and other such examples of "life's unfair".

So how come, when it comes to matters of faith, we can find it so hard to grow up in that regard? Trust me, I am a child when it comes to my faith and not in the heartwarming way that the Bible speaks of when it calls us children of God. I mean the full monty of childish pouting and posturing, "throwing teddy out of the pram"kind of child in respect of faith matters.

A case in point. I have been praying for many years about a situation that has caused me much heartache. This situation is one for which I take responsibility and sadly has steadily got worse with time rather than better. I can't tell you how many tears I've cried over this, how many times I've wished I were dead, wished all kinds of bad things, how my heart has been broken over and over again. I've repented, I've offered forgiveness, I've tried to make amends. I've prayed for strength, for a change of heart for me, for others.

I've begged, pleaded and basically tried to bribe God into giving me what I want, what I believe is the answer to this problem that I managed to set in motion. I've got angry with Him, shouted at Him for His seeming unwillingness to help me. I've even turned my back on Him when I felt that He was ignoring me. I've railed at the lack of an answer, just silence from Him.
Not exactly a testimony to a great faith, is it? But I'm telling it like it is.

So where does maturity come into this, you ask.

Well, think back to the verse at the beginning which states that Jesus is always the same. Jesus said when we saw Him, we saw the Father. So if Jesus is always the same, so is God. What's God like then?

" The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness" Exodus 34:6

" Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord, Jesus Christ, the Father of Compassion and the God of all Comfort" 2 Cor 1:3
(note here, if everything was meant to be hunky dory after faith, why would God need to be the God of comfort and have compassion?)

"For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations" Ps 100:5

So this is our God. This is just the tip of who He is and the ultimate act of His love for us was this...

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Rom 5:8
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16

Now we have a measure of the God who created us and died for us, who loves us. All clear so far? Stay with me, we're getting there.

We have a starting point of who God is, what He's like. Key things to remember here are that He is good, loves us, died for us and that He never changes. See the above verses.

And so to maturity. I have a friend who is going through a tough time. It has caused her much heartache, sorrow and anger and she is by no means out of the woods. In fact, recently, it has seemed as though the darkness has got that much deeper. As we spoke about the difficulties she is facing, we've spoken about faith, about praying for change and believing that God is with us in the midst of our troubles. This incredible woman told me recently that it comes back to believing God is who He says He is, believing His Word, the Bible and not going by our feelings. Like me, she has often felt abandoned because she has no sense of God's Presence but ( can you feel the but) she chooses to believe in God's Word over her feelings. Why? Because that, my friends, is spiritual maturity.

Oh that isn't why she's doing it. My friend hasn't decided that life is sh*tty so "I'll just use this opportunity for some spiritual growing up!". No, it's grim detemination to hold on to God because He is for her in a way that no other person can be. That maturity however will be the result of her determination to believe God and that transient feelings aren't to be believed. Sometimes, and I don't pretend to fully understand it, God asks us to walk in the dark and continue to believe Him, even as we feel His hand slip from our grap. The fact is our feelings are lying. God still has our hand firmly held in His.

The Bible says we are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Rom 12:2). The act of transforming is the gaining of spiritual maturity. It's not necessarily a pleasurable experience but it will serve us in the end as we view God with a clearer understanding rather than the childlike surmise that He is unfair, unloving and unresponsive.

Still more recently, I had the joy of spending time with a friend who has been living the other side of the world for over 10 years and had made an unexpected visit. During our conversation we touched on her recent experiences in her daily faith walk and, surprise - surprise, she feels God is encouraging her to grow in spiritual maturity. For the second time, I was presented with the experiences of a person whom I greatly admire who was struggling with issues which have thrown up a number of extra concerns and cares. Again, prayer has been involved but also conversations, experiences which have all pointed her to the conclusion of the need for a mature faith to deal with these problems. "Keeping short accounts" is part of this walk that she is currently on. As this dear lady pointed out to me, whilst it's great to have encounters with God, see things in the heavenly realms and get words, pictures etc, what will change the world more than anything will be love and a solid faith that weathers all storms. That's what people will notice in the long haul over the more obvious razzamatazz of faith.

So what about me? Where am I in this discussion? I've thought about the temptations, the deep flaws in my character, the battles I have with my emotions, the struggles with recurring sins. I go back to my, as yet, unchanged situation. I've shed more tears recently, stormed and raged, been in despair. I've asked for and received prayer support and encouragement from these two amazing women and, in both instances, I have felt God pointing me towards the need for maturity in Him. To not believe my feelings of hopelessness but to persist in prayer, to not give up when the fickle infant in me wishes to "not play" anymore. That there is more to my experience than just this issue. God is aware of my needs and maybe, right now, whilst I may not like it and may not see it, perhaps my most pressing need is not the one I think it is. God is all-knowing, He sees exactly what I need, the need He has placed at the top of His agenda and how best to address that particular need.

So I'm going to concentrate on God, on who He is. I'm going to look at His character and attributes rather than focus on me and my issues. I won't always be successful. I suspect I will forget frequently but I want to persist. I know that God will honour my efforts if I do this with a willing and open heart. Nothing in this world is as important as knowing who God is, NOTHING!

I want to let God change me from the inside out, develop me into what He has called me to be. It's time to put the milk bottle down and start tackling solids.

It's time to grow up.

Lights! Camera! Distraction!

Ever suddenly wake up and wonder where you are?

Or have you ever been sat in front of the tv watching a show then, gradually, it dawns on you that you've missed chunks of the dialogue because you must have dozed off to sleep a few times and you know that its a sign you should head for bed?

Its easy enough to get distracted from things. Either its an immediate distraction - think of a child coming in saying "Mum, mum, mum! I need this" or "I can't find that!". It can be a gradual one. You're doing some housework and are tidying away some books or a magazine. You flick through a few pages, you read a few lines and think "I must get on, so much to do". But then you read a few more lines and, before you know it, you're reading and the housework is forgotten.

I know some people who are incredibly focussed and, sometimes I envy them their singlemindedness. At other times, there is a joy in being distracted. Perhaps doing the gardening and suddenly noticing the song of the birds and pausing to listen to them.

But the distraction I'm referring to today isn't the last kind, the good kind.

As you may have picked up from my previous posts, God has been speaking to me about my attitude and about Love, His love for me and how I feel about Him. There was growth there and real pause for thought. In all this, God was drawing me closer to Him, to His heartbeat.

However, since my last post, I have gradually drawing away from God. Its not been a conscious thing, not intentional but, similar to drifting off infront of the box or reading a book whilst doing the housework, I have had the occassional thought of "oh, I don't feel God" or " I'm feeling rather indifferent". Those thoughts alone should have me sat up and taking notice.

Our faith isn't to be based on feelings. Whilst they can be wonderful, they can also be mis-leading. Feelings can tell us that God doesn't love us and that is an outright lie. Feelings can tell us that something feels really good but actually whatever it is happens to be bad for us. They aren't to be relied on. A friend of mine recently told me of the struggle of maturing in faith and, when not feeling anything, to keep pressing through. She felt that God was calling her toward more maturity in her faith (and she's been a Christian for over 20 years! - Yup, growing up in faith never stops). So that should have been the first indication that something was amiss.

But also, what about the timing? God has obviously been working on this area the heart, re-visiting my past, looking at my thoughts on who I think) He is, my experiences that have caused me to distrust Him  and also my issues with relationships.  All important stuff. But the feelings of being distant continued.

On top of that, my battle with weight suddenly became far more focussed and intense. If I am honest, it has begun to dominate my life. I've been talking about it so much that my poor husband had to call "time-out" on it. God was pushed to the back of my mind whilst I fretted and fidgeted.

In addition, things picked up pace in other areas of life....more distractions.

Its only in the last week that I've begun to get that stronger sense of Someone saying in my ear "Wake up! Wake up! This isn't normal, you're losing your focus. Fight it and look to Me". The question has to be why, why now?

I have been getting deeper into all these issues but had reached a chapter of the book, Captivating, called Healing the Wound. I believe now that the devil really doesn't want to see me set free from things or to repent of attitudes which will cause me to draw ever closer to God and Jesus, to grow in my faith. I got to the chapter and thought at the time 'I must not rush through this, I must read slowly, do what is suggested and process carefully. There's freedom to be gained". I closed the book and, yes even now it becomes clearer as I type, the smoke filled my eyes and surrounded me, making me drowsy. The lights of distraction came up slowly like houselights at the end of a show in a theatre and there was my weight issue and other things.

The devil is exceptionally cunning (snake!) and will use anything he can to get our eyes, minds and hearts off God. He is ruthless in that regard (and all others really). I began to put the pieces together at the beginning of last week and started to pray but its been a big struggle. Mentally its like I've been wading through porridge or molasses. My reactions slow.
So to try to help myself, I've been listening to worship music again, as much as I can or, when I'm at the computer, I'll sometimes watch a worship video so I can turn my thoughts towards Father.

One of my favourite worship CDs at the moment is Here is Love from Bethel Church in Redding, California. One of the tracks is a spontaneous worship song and, at the beginning, the singer asks the congregation to turn their affections toward Jesus. That is what I need to do, turn my attention and affection towards Him. Sometimes, when all else fails, worship is the act to train our mind on God and our Saviour. Sometimes the sacrifice of praise is what it takes to break the devil's trick of smoke and mirrors, moving our gaze away from the One who loves us enough to die for us.

Now you're probably expecting me to say at this point that I'm back on track and that I'm having mindblowing messages from God and I meet with the Holy Spirit every day and I'm transported to other places (I'm not 'dissing this by the way, I would love to have this happen). The truth is I am still struggling, still wading through the molasses but I am atleast awake now and I see the distractions for what they are, distractions. My eyes are sleepy but they are open. The Spirit is whispering in my ear and encouraging me to think on God, to listen to that music and that praise and enter in again to dialogue with my Heavenly Father.  This isn't to say that the distractions in themselves are bad but the importance they hold in my life over my attention to God is. God wants to continue His conversation with me and I want to be awake and to listen to what He has to say for only He has the words of Life.

As to that chapter, well I need to be reading it soon before I nod back off to sleep. Now where's that worship CD? Its time to turn up the volume!!!

Fighting history

Yup, me again. I seem to have a lot to say these days. The beauty of this blog is that about two people other than myself have viewed it so I don't have to worry that people think I have nothing better to do with my life or that I'm just trying to attract attention to myself by constant blogging!

I mentioned only this week that blogging is cathartic to me and I am able to process what is going on in my life when I write. So whether this is read or not, I'm still getting something out of it. That's got to be good.

Anyway, enough of the preamble.

Families are tough things. On the one hand, there is joy in being part of a family and coming together. Christmases and other high days and holidays are better (at least mostly better) and just knowing that there are people on the planet that would notice if you weren't around anymore.

But equally families can be a huge source of frustration, tension, bitterness, upset.  They can be a blessing and a curse.

Why the title, "Fighting history".? Well on a number of levels actually.

I continue to read the book "Captivating" mentioned in one of my earlier blogs and personality traits are being highlighted that I know have been handed down to me through my family. I'd love to say these are positive ones but they aren't. In fairness, to give a slightly balanced view, I have received positive traits too from my family. My mother's love of music and her artistic nature, love of creativity, writing, painting, making music. It was she that first spoke to me of God and Jesus, although she became a Christian long after I had but our discussions and her ensuring I went to Sunday School laid a positive foundation for me spiritually. I've inherited my my Grandfather's love of theatre and drama. My love of nature comes from my Grandmother and my colouring is totally my father's, very European looking.

But the negative traits can also be passed along the generational lines. My mother can be very domineering and controlling. I know she doesn't recognise this in herself but it has effected the whole family and how my sister and I were brought up, how I view God as a parent and how I feel about myself. In fairness, this was probably passed down to her from my Grandfather who, in turn, was the same.  I think I may have inherited his temper!

In a chapter in "Captivating", it addresses the effects of the Fall and our ejection from the Garden of Eden and the effect it had on all womankind. The worry is common, that God and man (the gender) cannot really be trusted with our security. So a split has developed in how women deal with this falsehood (certainly false about God anyway. Man is also fallen). Some women can be domineering and forceful. I immediately thought of my mother and the various events in my life as a result of that character trait and what is has meant for me and for my relationship with my mother.

Basically, on certain occasions when I have really needed her comfort and good advice or, more than advice, just a listening ear, instead I have received judgement, anger misdirected at me and no comfort at all. I hasten to add here that this is only some occasions, in others she has totally shone through for me.

But the other occasions have so shattered me that I have since withdrawn from my mother both emotionally and also physically. This will sound dreadful but I have put distance between us and don't visit as often as I should or phone as often as I should. My sister has withdrawn even further emotionally. 

The other kind of women are mousy, needy and desolate or a bit of both, sometimes controlling and sometimes needy. I see myself as the third. The controlling influence I see as being from my mother, the neediness as being my counter play in my efforts not to be like her and not to continue the cycle.

If I was to associate a word with my mother from my childhood it would be "disappointed". Hence its a bit difficult to see God as being any different sometimes. I know this is remarkably unfair. I have not been a parent but have friends who are and who are aware just how easy it is to have a negative influence on their child's character. Its a tough job and children are not little angels all the time but frequently little monsters who push all our buttons and take us to the edge of sanity on occasions. I say this because I am a step parent so, if you like, understand a little by proxy.

But what about the ten commandments, I hear you say? What about the command to "honour your father and your mother"? Well, in all honesty, I do fall down here. I know I am not following this. Equally, as my mother progresses into advanced old age, she becomes more needy, but on her terms, and I am appalled and pull away. It saddens me to understand her desperate need but at the same time I am angered by her stubbornness to cling to certain attitudes and thought processes, her manipulation of those close to her. My reaction is to do the opposite that she did with her parents. I have turned the other way whereas she effectively chose her parents over her husband and children again and again.

I have much to work through. I have possibly gone too much the other way. Yes, its important to chose one's husband, to leave and cleave but God didn't say "abandon your parents!". But I find I am sometimes put into a position of choosing and, in my efforts to ensure that the mistakes of the past aren't made again, I go to extremes.

I also battle the sulking and "payback" attitude of my father. He could sulk for Britain and, if he wants to make a point, can ignore you or withhold emotionally, largely through temper. I can do this too, it's another piece of history that I battle in myself. He has also struggled with affairs and alcohol abuse. I too have suffered in both these areas.

Then there are the family feuds, the fall outs with various branches of the family and why we don't mix with that branch or talk with the other branch. I'm still not talking to one section of the family because of something that happened 14 years ago. When I think about it, I get very angry and the though of letting go and trying to reconcile makes me ill. So much for being a Christian, huh? I know that this attitude is wrong, wrong, wrong. Even this attitude is something very strong on my father's side, he and my paternal Grandmother didn't speak for many years because of a fall out!

I know that Romans has the amazing verse that we are all new creations in Christ and it is the truth. But you may have experienced the same in your life, it takes a while for the truth to take root in your heart and head, even if the spirit has taken it on! So yes, I am a new creation but I am still wearing the clothes of the old man who is struggling with generational sins and consequences of actions.

I see the consequences of actions and of attitudes handed down through families when I look at my husband, people I have known for many years, relations. We are all fighting history.

Something within me says that this fighting is not right. That surely this was dealt with at the Cross and there is no longer a need to fight it. There is another part of me that says what about the good history, good choices that were made? What about our spiritual history, what Jesus did in the past, dying on a Cross for our sins and saving us from the penalty of every sin we have ever or will ever commit? Isn't that positive history?

So I am somewhat torn at present. I need to repent of the negative feelings I have for my parents, as well as for my relatives, but also establish boundaries with them that include still honouring them as God has commanded. I'm not sure how this will work out. I'd love to end this post on a positive note and say that all will be well but its pretty messed up in my family so I will have to pray, repent, pray, repent and ask God for wisdom. I want to stop fighting the negative history and I want to start rejoicing in the good history, the good legacies that are left for me, to become a bridge builder and bring reconciliation but right now, that looks as likely as a tree that sprouts gold leaves appearing in my garden!

Humbled

A friend of mine had recommended that I watch a collection of Youtube videos of a talk by Louie Giglio called "Indescribable". She said it would appeal to me because she knows that I am facinated by the space pictures and that I frequently say that all we need for proof of God's existence is to look up and see the stars or look at nature.

So tonight I took the opportunity of watching the 5 videos.

I'm so glad I did and I highly recommend them to all. As each film progressed, I found myself looking up Nasa and Hubble's websites to view things. I listened and marvelled at the sheer size of numbers being discussed for measurement of distance. I saw myself and how small I am and just how incredibly big our God is. It puts everything into perspective very quickly.

I am in awe and also, all at once, ashamed of the times that I feel unmoved by God and His mercy or the sacrifice of His Son. This God who is so incredibly big and yet extends love towards me and thinks about me personally. I have never really grasped it (and, in fairness, I haven't totally grasped it now, I don't think we can this side of Heaven) but I got a glimpse of what an amazing gift this is, God's love for us when we are not even the tip of a pin head next to a celestial body such as the Butterfly galaxy.

So tonight, if you have clear skies, stand outside a minute, look up and see the stars. Feel how small you are and remember that God is awfully big but what's even more amazing is that the big God loves you and you are very important to Him. He even knows your name and numbers the hairs on your head. To be honest, that blows me away and its almost too much for me. But I am going to stand in the doorway of my house and look up at that sky, the moon and the stars and marvel at God for a while. 

He tells the sun, 'Don't shine,' and it doesn't; he pulls the blinds on the stars. All by himself he stretches out the heavens and strides on the waves of the sea. He designed the Big Dipper and Orion, the Pleiades and Alpha Centauri. (Job 9v2)

 "Can you catch the eye of the beautiful Pleiades sisters, or distract Orion from his hunt? Can you get Venus to look your way, or get the Great Bear and her cubs to come out and play? Do you know the first thing about the sky's constellations and how they affect things on Earth? (Job 38v 31)

Come see his hands and his feet
The scars that speak of sacrifice
Hands that flung stars into space
To cruel nails surrendered
(Graham Kendrick, Servant King lyrics)

Driving

I've just got back from an weekly exercise class. I drive there and back every Tuesday.

To be honest, I don't really think about it. I just jump in the car and go.

When class is over, I take the long route home to give me time to wind down, feel the wind in my hair because I'm usually so hot from the exertions.

On the way home tonight, as I listened to music, I heard clearly "honour God in your driving".

"What?!" I thought. No, seriously I can't have heard right, I must be imagining things. But I heard it again, quietly in my spirit, "Honour God in your driving".

Now I should explain that I love driving but I'm not the world's most patient driver. I have a tendancy to speed and lose my temper frequently with other road users. Infact, I am the epitomy of a "road rage" driver.
If I let someone out at a junction and they don't thank me, they have a tirade of abuse and sometimes, depending on the mood I'm in, some hand gestures that aren't included in the Highway Code. I'm not sure where this rage comes from but as far as I'm concerned, I get behind the wheel of a car and yes, I do own the road!!!

Now that may sounds funny but, thinking about it, how Christ-like is it?  Trust me when I say, I'm not being all super-spiritual here, this is actually hitting me in an area where it hurts. I love my assertive driving (my husband calls it aggressive!). I think I get a bit of a buzz from being out there, driving with purpose and holding my own in the traffic. No-one gets the better of me when I'm in a car.
But I re-iterate, is it Christ-like behaviour?

Obviously the answer is no. But I'm thinking how on earth am I going to change my attitude on this one?
Well, first stop is pray about it. If it is the Spirit I heard, and I believe it was, then I need to ask for God's help with this. I also need to remember I am probably not going to change overnight (it would be terrific if I could but largely God allows us to fail sometimes, I believe, so that we are put into a position of relying on His strength to see us through, thereby giving Him the glory for any changes made.
So I need to ask forgiveness regularly and not beat myself up about failings.

Why has God chosen to pick on my driving? Not entirely sure when there is a whole catalogue of things He could choose from but the fact is, this obviously is an area He wants to work on in me. I think its more my attitude rather than driving style (although I'm sure He is also keen for me to stop breaking the speed limits).

It puzzles me but maybe, in challenging me in this area, God is beginning a work that could lead to progression in other areas. I'm not really thrilled about it, if I'm honest, but I have been praying that God would change my heart so, guess what, prayer being answered me thinks!!
I'll keep you posted.

The Comfort of Fellowship, the focus on God

                                    I've just had a pretty shocking weekend. One of extremes.

My day off started well enough, with a lie in. But then other events took place and by the time I went to meet a dear friend for supper, I was upset, very angry and hurt. However, this friend, a Christian, and I enjoyed a meal and, after I'd had my vent, we went for a wonderful walk and a drive at twilight. We were listening to worship music and, after a while, found ourselves joining in. We became more and more focussed on worship so that we were just enjoying God's Presence. It was like the atmosphere just changed around us.

The following day started with a Ladies breakfast at my former spiritual home (yes, I currently have no abode but more on that another time). I was sat with people I knew and some new people. It was facinating to hear all different experiences of life from different parts of the world. The speaker, a wonderful lady, was incredibly funny and entertaining as a speaker. But she also shared quite personal moments of anguish. Her points, focusing on God, were all well made and understandable.She spoke as a woman who has truly been through the fire, and continues to in some areas. I felt incredibly uplifted by her positive message and was pleased I had gone.

Then came Saturday night. I won't go into the problems but sufficient to say that my heart was once more shattered and found myself looking at the future with uncertainty and dread. Amazingly, I slept - God is so good to us, what a gift sleep is. The hours from 7pm to 12.30 were pretty much agony. I felt like I was being tortured very slowly.

But I woke early on Sunday. Now, as I've already said, I don't normally attend church but when I got up I kept thinking about it. It was that siren call when one's heart has been trampled on. I went for a run then, once showered and changed, headed out to take photos - I love photography.

Finally I couldn't resist and I got there in time for a cup of tea before the start of the service. I seemed to bump into old home group members that I was close to. I received hugs and "hi"s (this without them being aware of my delicate mood). I confess I did cry briefly and had to excuse myself for the last part of the worship.Initially, all I could think about was the previous night, the uncertain future and how hurt I was. Its hard to worship God when you are focussed on those things. But, standing between two of these wonderful people who were so pleased to see me and had given me such a warm welcome, I realised that I was actually home. So I began to focus on the One who was behind such love and friendliness, God my Father, my compassionate Lord.

From there, I was able to get my mind off myself and my problems and onto God. The worship flowed and they had a time of prophetic sharing. Then finally the word which was challenging yet encouraging at the same time.

I was able to pray with the pastor's wife for my situation and yes, I cried again. But the assurance that I was not in this alone and to have someone pray with tenderness and compassion was so wonderful.

I have been able to focus more on God and begin to ask the important questions, what do I learn from this situation? What are You saying to me about Your Character? What are Your thoughts regarding my future?
I feel more positive at this moment and it is largely because of God.

So, whilst its taken a while to explain, the purpose of the post is firstly to say never underestimate the power of being in fellowship with other Christians when you feel that all is stacked against you. Being surrounded by love and faith can boost your own.

 Secondly, whilst it may seem difficult, try to take your eyes briefly off your difficult situation and put them on God. He does care very much. Like me, your problem may not change overnight. You could be facing a long-haul and that's hard to take. If you are anything like me, you will have times when you accept the hard time and just get on with it and other times when everything within you screams out at the injustice of it and angrily shouts at God as to why this thing is happening.
There have been times I have thought about throwing in the towel on my faith in God. The fact is though I have seen too much and know too much to be able to do this with any form of conviction. Nature itself shouts out God's existence. David and Job knew all about questioning God. David, in particular, was no stranger to hurts and asking God about His seeming inaction on his behalf.

Fact is, God never ever said that, by accepting His Son, life would be free of worries. Rather, Jesus actually said life would get harder because if the world hated Him it wouldn't take to us, by association. In addition, we are part of the human race in its fallen state. Whilst we have been saved from God's judgement by accepting the gift of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, we are still subject to all those trials that are common to man.

However, know this, God really, truly does care about you, about every tear you shed and every moment your heart feels like it will explode in grief. Hold on to Him, grip His hand tightly. But if you can't do even that, know this - Hedoes hold on to you.....firmly.

Longing to be loved

"How many of you see God as longing to be loved by you?"

This quote is taken from the book "Captivating" written by John and Stasi Eldridge, a book I am reading for the second time.

I initially bought the book about a year ago on recommendations from others who said it had totally opened their eyes to God's love for them. I did my usual and ripped through it in no time. I am a devourer of books and sometimes read them so fast that I dont actually take in deeply what I'm reading.

Yeah, it seemed a good book and I thought some deepish thoughts on it then moved on.

Well, of late, a friend told me she was reading this book, as recommended by someone and we spoke about it a bit. I decided I would have another read of this but, this time, slowly, hopefully giving me time to properly digest what I would read.

I didn't get beyond the introduction before I was in tears. Yup, this time, I was letting the words get through to my ice maiden's heart. All the talk of a woman just wanting to be loved for herself, of feeling as though she was too much or not enough for anyone to actually love her without having to be or so many things. Story of my life - I have always been a mask wearer for fear that I won't be accepted as I am. Not sure where I picked up this habit but it is deeply ingrained in my pysche now and affects everything, including my faith in God.

I actually wondered whether I wanted to carry on reading this book, bearing in mind the affect it had had on me just in the intro! But I have been reading bits and pieces over the last week. In chapter one, it spoke of the key things of importance to a woman and how they reflect and speak to us of God's heart too. They are the desire to be romanced, the desire to be part of a great adventure and to be the beauty in the fairytale who is fought for. God longs to have a romance with us, is the One who can truly give us the adventure our hearts long for and His beauty is matchless and waiting to be discovered.
As I thought on this and the comments about women desiring relationship and it being the core of their character, I thought on my longings and realised that I too long for relationship but wondered if, with the pains of life experience, have I suffocated that part of my character and closed it off to all, including God?

However, I digress. I have only just got into chapter two when I came across the above gem of a question.

It stopped me in my tracks. I was at the car wash at the time, having my car cleaned and using the moment in the waiting room to do a little reading. As I sat there watching the suds roll down my dirty car, I took a long look at myself, asked my heart the question, "Do I see God as longing to be loved by me?".

In all honesty, the answer was, and is, "No, not ever!" It has never occurred to me that God, the Almighty, the Creator of Heaven and earth, all powerful with the power of life and death over all things, majestic and fearsome, King of Glory and the Great I Am, would actually long to be loved by ME.
I mean this is God we are talking about. Why should it matter to Him whether some flea called Caroline loves Him or not? Truly, aren't we bringing Him down to our level? But wait, God created us in His image. So if we have this longing, it has to be because He put it there.

I understand the loving God as a duty, something we should do because He's God, to be feared and praised. Of course we should love God, its expected. We owe Him our lives.  The love mentioned in the book however sounds more like affection, passionate as you would be for a lover, all-consuming. There is no sense of duty here but of raw need and desire.

When I try to think of this kind of love and God at the same time, it just hurts my head. I can't feel that way about Him although I remember faintly having more passion for God when I was younger, more enthusiasm for the things of God. How sad must that make God! He feels too remote for me to feel that way about Him and yet I know with my head that its me that has placed that distance between us. Is this again the effects of a heart broken many times over the years and having closed up to prevent further hurt but closing off so throughly that even God can't get through?

Funny thing is, another friend has said on a number of occassions that, on praying for me, she has sensed that God desperately wants me to give Him my heart fully, to love Him passionately and pursue Him for Himself. There is sense of God yearning for me to love Him the way He loves me. I suppose in that, therein lies another issue.

My head tells me He loves me. The Bible tells me this too and I know that you would be crazy to send  a family member off to die a cruel death for someone you didn't love but I can't translate that to me for some reason. I know it with my head, I have yet to really feel this with my heart.

So my prayer to God at this moment is "Show me Your Heart, God and please melt mine with love, real passionate love, for you". I want to have that fire of passion burning through me for God and to get lost in His Presence. I know that, just as in love between husband and wife, the feeling of love ebbs and flows - sometimes fiercely passionate, other times warm and cuddly, friendship with God will sometimes be the burning fire and other times the walk of obedience. But at the moment, it feels like my heart is beating so slowly as to be too weak to pump the life-giving blood of a love relationship with God around my spirit.

Ask yourself the question? Be truthful? Do you need to ask God to stir up passion and desire for Him once again or maybe for the first time ever in your life? You aren't alone. If you've been a christian for a long time, its easy enough to let time and experience dull you to His charms. If you are not a christian, you may have no idea what I'm talking about. But maybe your curiousity is piqued. What have you got to lose? Ask the question then pray the prayer - "God, show me Your Heart and melt mine with love, real passionate love, for You." You know I'll be praying this too.

Let's keep each other posted on what He says/does in answer to this prayer.