Feel?

Hopefully most people are aware of a singer called Robbie Williams who hails from the UK.  He used to be part of a group called Take That (and I understand has now joined them again).

He and his then producer, Guy Chambers, wrote a song called "Feel". It was one of his few truly international hits, the other being "Angels".

Have you ever read the words? Thought about them? How come this song did so very well, with its rather downbeat lyrics? He'd had plenty other bouncy, more upbeat songs. What was it about this one that touched people?

I have a theory. Yes, it's only a theory, my own opinion that you may not agree with. This was brought back to me very recently as a person close to me listened to the song, sang along and began to cry because, they said the words said how they felt exactly.

This is why I think this song did so well, it touched a chord in many people.
Here's an excerpt:

"I just wanna feel real love, feel the home that I live in
Cos I got too much life running through my veins,
Going to waste.

I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either,
Before I fall in love, I'm preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death, that's why I keep on running
Before I've arrived, I can see myself coming"
Copyright R Williams/G Chambers

You can read all the lyrics by following this link.

What I'm getting at is that, increasingly, it seems that large numbers of people feel disconnected from their life, a sense of not being all or acheiving all they could be and do.
Bearing in mind the times we live in and how, in the Western world, the marjority have a disposable income, have a home, family and extra leisure time, why are so many of us feeling disatisfied with our lives, as though we have been short-changed somehow?

I speak to many people and hear a similar thread running through conversations of any depth. It comes back to feeling that there is more in life and it hasn't been attained yet. 

Supposedly, thanks to computers and modern conveniences, we now have more time on our hands, more time outside the office/factory/place of work where we can develop our skills, begin to fulfil our dreams but so few actually do. In fairness, it seems that more people are having to work longer hours and in Europe, the UK workforce seem to work the longest hours of all the countries.

So why is this? Well this will sound trite but I believe that our priorities in life are somewhat skewed.
That's not to say that life isn't hard, that bad things don't happen and that people, all of us, will from time to time feel a little down, that's just part of the human experience.
But this disatisfaction is because we all believed the lie that if we had more, the latest gadget, more money, that mobile phone, this car etc that life would suddenly attain meaning. We would be experiencing life at its finest and we would understand our purpose in life.  We would be fulfilled. Consumerism has failed us all. It didn't deliver. The excesses we embarked on left us dry and without hope.

Robbie sings "there's a hole in my soul, you can see it in my face, its a real big place". I believe it's the "God-shaped hole", although this has been so over-used now that even as I type I cringe. Do I mean that life will suddenly become this amazing thing and nothing bad will ever happen? No, I make no such claim. I believe in God and still get down, depressed, wonder about meaning in life etc. But that is not God's fault. It's actually mine because these feelings of helplessness and hopelessness usually come when I've either not done what I should do, done something I shouldn't have or have been affected by someone's doing or not doing either of those things. It calls in to question why I'm here and if I allow those feelings and thoughts to continue, down the road of sadness and listlessness I go.

The Westminster Catchechism states that "Man's chief end is to worship God and to enjoy Him forever".
If we aren't living this then we aren't fulfilling our purpose on this earth. If you are anything like me, when I first heard that, my initial reaction was "Oh great, time spent singing in a choir with my harp for the rest of eternity, going to endless church services and being totally and utterly boring. Where is the fun in any of this?"

But think of all the things that make us swell inside with joy, happiness or laughter. Breathtaking scenery can burn the heart with it's beauty. Who made that scenery? God.
What about enjoying the company of children who are laughing and playing, being funny? God created makind in the first instance, we are His idea.
How about music that makes us light-hearted, uplifted (any taste, rock, classical, jazz to name a few)? God blessed man with the creativity to make music, write plays, stories and poems, to paint, draw and mold, chisel, weld.

So when we do what God created us to do, we can find fulfilment. Will we still be affected by news of wars, famines, violence, greed? Yes, of course. We are a reflection of God's own heart. Because mankind chose to go his own way, what goes on in the world is not God's fault as so many of us will claim from time to time. That is such an easy answer and means we have yet another reason for not believing in Him and thereby obeying Him.  No, it's actually because somewhere down the line, the individual has decided to be selfish with what he's been given, whether it's talent, money, abilities and the result, when more individuals do this is war, violence, greed etc which means others suffer.

What has this to do with me, with others, including this person who cried listening to Robbie's song?

We feel the pain that all is not well with the world, we have lost the true sense of ourselves and who we really are, who we are called to be. Hence the pain when someone articulates it as beautifully as Robbie and Guy did. Our soul cries out and says "Yes, this is me. I know exactly what they mean. I have that hole in my soul. I'm not a whole person, something (Someone) is missing and the pain is awful".

The fact of the matter is God knows about that pain in the soul, He also sees the hole and He knows why it's there. He wants to fill it. He wants to give meaning to life. He has a purpose for each and every one of us. Fact is we will never be truly happy unless we find it and that means firstly acknowledging that God exists, that He is our Creator. It then means agreeing with Him that we are made for His pleasure and to have relationship with Him. From that base, everything else can flow. It will be a steep learning curve but we can do it. He will help us.

Am I there yet? Am I fulfilling my purpose in life? No, I don't think so, not yet so I speak as one who continues to have that hole. God is there but He will only fill the hole with Himself with as much as we will let Him. I continue to hesitate, prevaricate. Why? Well God and I are still discussing that one. But I do know He is the answer. I'm just haggling over the question!

Lights! Camera! Distraction!

Ever suddenly wake up and wonder where you are?

Or have you ever been sat in front of the tv watching a show then, gradually, it dawns on you that you've missed chunks of the dialogue because you must have dozed off to sleep a few times and you know that its a sign you should head for bed?

Its easy enough to get distracted from things. Either its an immediate distraction - think of a child coming in saying "Mum, mum, mum! I need this" or "I can't find that!". It can be a gradual one. You're doing some housework and are tidying away some books or a magazine. You flick through a few pages, you read a few lines and think "I must get on, so much to do". But then you read a few more lines and, before you know it, you're reading and the housework is forgotten.

I know some people who are incredibly focussed and, sometimes I envy them their singlemindedness. At other times, there is a joy in being distracted. Perhaps doing the gardening and suddenly noticing the song of the birds and pausing to listen to them.

But the distraction I'm referring to today isn't the last kind, the good kind.

As you may have picked up from my previous posts, God has been speaking to me about my attitude and about Love, His love for me and how I feel about Him. There was growth there and real pause for thought. In all this, God was drawing me closer to Him, to His heartbeat.

However, since my last post, I have gradually drawing away from God. Its not been a conscious thing, not intentional but, similar to drifting off infront of the box or reading a book whilst doing the housework, I have had the occassional thought of "oh, I don't feel God" or " I'm feeling rather indifferent". Those thoughts alone should have me sat up and taking notice.

Our faith isn't to be based on feelings. Whilst they can be wonderful, they can also be mis-leading. Feelings can tell us that God doesn't love us and that is an outright lie. Feelings can tell us that something feels really good but actually whatever it is happens to be bad for us. They aren't to be relied on. A friend of mine recently told me of the struggle of maturing in faith and, when not feeling anything, to keep pressing through. She felt that God was calling her toward more maturity in her faith (and she's been a Christian for over 20 years! - Yup, growing up in faith never stops). So that should have been the first indication that something was amiss.

But also, what about the timing? God has obviously been working on this area the heart, re-visiting my past, looking at my thoughts on who I think) He is, my experiences that have caused me to distrust Him  and also my issues with relationships.  All important stuff. But the feelings of being distant continued.

On top of that, my battle with weight suddenly became far more focussed and intense. If I am honest, it has begun to dominate my life. I've been talking about it so much that my poor husband had to call "time-out" on it. God was pushed to the back of my mind whilst I fretted and fidgeted.

In addition, things picked up pace in other areas of life....more distractions.

Its only in the last week that I've begun to get that stronger sense of Someone saying in my ear "Wake up! Wake up! This isn't normal, you're losing your focus. Fight it and look to Me". The question has to be why, why now?

I have been getting deeper into all these issues but had reached a chapter of the book, Captivating, called Healing the Wound. I believe now that the devil really doesn't want to see me set free from things or to repent of attitudes which will cause me to draw ever closer to God and Jesus, to grow in my faith. I got to the chapter and thought at the time 'I must not rush through this, I must read slowly, do what is suggested and process carefully. There's freedom to be gained". I closed the book and, yes even now it becomes clearer as I type, the smoke filled my eyes and surrounded me, making me drowsy. The lights of distraction came up slowly like houselights at the end of a show in a theatre and there was my weight issue and other things.

The devil is exceptionally cunning (snake!) and will use anything he can to get our eyes, minds and hearts off God. He is ruthless in that regard (and all others really). I began to put the pieces together at the beginning of last week and started to pray but its been a big struggle. Mentally its like I've been wading through porridge or molasses. My reactions slow.
So to try to help myself, I've been listening to worship music again, as much as I can or, when I'm at the computer, I'll sometimes watch a worship video so I can turn my thoughts towards Father.

One of my favourite worship CDs at the moment is Here is Love from Bethel Church in Redding, California. One of the tracks is a spontaneous worship song and, at the beginning, the singer asks the congregation to turn their affections toward Jesus. That is what I need to do, turn my attention and affection towards Him. Sometimes, when all else fails, worship is the act to train our mind on God and our Saviour. Sometimes the sacrifice of praise is what it takes to break the devil's trick of smoke and mirrors, moving our gaze away from the One who loves us enough to die for us.

Now you're probably expecting me to say at this point that I'm back on track and that I'm having mindblowing messages from God and I meet with the Holy Spirit every day and I'm transported to other places (I'm not 'dissing this by the way, I would love to have this happen). The truth is I am still struggling, still wading through the molasses but I am atleast awake now and I see the distractions for what they are, distractions. My eyes are sleepy but they are open. The Spirit is whispering in my ear and encouraging me to think on God, to listen to that music and that praise and enter in again to dialogue with my Heavenly Father.  This isn't to say that the distractions in themselves are bad but the importance they hold in my life over my attention to God is. God wants to continue His conversation with me and I want to be awake and to listen to what He has to say for only He has the words of Life.

As to that chapter, well I need to be reading it soon before I nod back off to sleep. Now where's that worship CD? Its time to turn up the volume!!!