Wednesday 25 August 2010

What's in your hand?


You know what it’s like. You are getting on with life, the daily hum-drum. Nothing out of the ordinary is happening and you’re plodding along. Or so you think, but actually God is manoeuvring you into a place where He can speak to you and you just don’t realise it yet (although you probably should be ready for it at any time because that’s the kind of God we worship!).


Yup, you guessed correctly, this has happened to me recently and hence my blog about it.

Due to issues in the home, I do not attend church on a regular Sunday to Sunday basis. For me, I have to take the opportunities when they come. That might be a three times in the space of a month or perhaps no visit for up for four months. So this Sunday, I understood that I had one of these prime opportunities to go to church. Fortunately, where I go, they seem to understand where I’m at in this weird “attendance” that I have.

I had a mental battle getting there though. Without going into too much detail, I can be very insecure and the moment I’d made the decision to go to church, the devil was in there, poking around my insecurities and stirring them up. I was close to not going. However, God had other plans so I found myself striding towards the door and a big smile welcomed me from the welcoming team (all those insecure thoughts went “poof”).

The teaching was based on the subject of excellence, on why Christians should seek to excel in all they do, how it is honouring to God and ensures glory goes to Him and how, be seeking to be distinguished in all areas and our gifting, the world will be drawn to God. It was a fascinating teaching and I took notes.

Then, at the end, the guy preaching began to ask questions of the congregation. He asked us to think about one particular area, one particular thing that God has placed in our lives, a gift, a calling. He asked us to think about what we are doing with it? “Are you giving it your all, are you going for excellence in that gift/calling? Have you despised it? Have you squandered it? Do you need to repent and ask God for forgiveness and a fresh impetus to go for distinction in this area?"

He asked us to stand and begin to pray out loud about it. To repent and ask forgiveness, where required, and to ask God for courage to step out in that area, for faith to grow in that area. To ask God to bless it and to make us open to grow in it so we can be excellent so that we give God the glory in it.

My immediate thought was concerning my writing. It was a really strong feeling.

Now I have to provide some background here. When I was a little girl, as soon as I could pick up a pen and write, I was writing stories, poems and letters. I began making pen pals at an early age because I loved to write. I used to tell stories to the other children in the area and they would listen and enjoy. As I grew older, my love of English Language and English Literature ensures that I did well in school at these topics. I always assumed I would be a writer.

But life has a way of distracting you and I allowed myself to be fully distracted with relationships (some good, some very bad), work, and a blistering social life. I stopped believing in my ability to write, infact I totally neglected my writing for many years. I took up the pen again, briefly, whilst I was first married and wrote poetry but, again, after further distractions and a divorce, I dropped the pen, metaphorically speaking. I also became hugely critical of everything I had ever writtent. Now proper self-examination and review is healthy but this was blistering criticism.The onslaught was viscious. I basically felt it had all been written before and in a far more eloquent manner than ever I could.

I have struggled over the years to pick the pen up again (or as it is now, open the laptop!). Even as I type today, I feel the struggle of getting the words out because of insecurity and a sense of dread of being a failure.

Back to the service. I prayed as directed by the preacher. I spoke aloud of my desire to not only write but to write something that would bring God glory. I offered him this thing I have (temptation here to call it a piddly excuse for a gift -  do you see my mind set?!) and asked that He encourage me in it, help me to learn more about it, grow in it and develop it so that I would distinguish myself in the craft and hopefully one day bring Him glory.

Well, I told a very close dear friend about it and then that was that. But God doesn’t let a message He sends get lost in the white noise of life which is why he repeats it over and over to make sure we get it.

The first reminder was on Monday when I was watching a programme on God TV, a youth conference because deep inside I still believe I'm a youngster. As the speaker was talking to the crowd of young, healthy-looking American teens, he spoke about their talents and whether they had committed them to God so that they would bring Him glory. He talked about the responsibility of the young people to seek God in their talent or calling. I felt an "oooh" moment then carried on ironing and the moment passed by.

Then Tuesday I decided to go for a brisk walk. I wanted to listen to some teaching so spent time downloading postcasts off the internet and, having got to the coastal pathway, switched on a Chris Caine podcast. It was a very interesting one where she interviewed two young women planning to do something for charity. I listened, feeling inspired and challenged. The interview came to an end and then Chris began to talk about "what is in your hand?". She said to look at what God has given us in the way of talent, gifting and how are we using it? Have we despised it or are we trying to nuture it and grow in it so that we give it to God for His glory?
This time I felt an "ahhhh" moment and it stayed. I was starting to get it and was already thinking about doing this blog post as a way of solidifying what I feel God is speaking to me about.

Now today, well it's gone bonkers, off the chart in terms of God now practically shouting at me "Hey, Caroline, clean out your ears and listen to Me. I want you to write! Have you got that?! Just do it, Write, let it flow out of you, don't fear anymore but just do it. I'll make sure you have people who can teach you, people who will provide you with constructive critisism so you can grow. Just get on and do it!.

Why do I feel He's now shouting? Well it would be one thing to have even three instances of hearing a message about talents, gifts, excellence and God's glory but four!

This morning I checked my Twitter account and noticed one of the people I follow, Jarrod Clark, had a new blog post so I thought I'd check it out. Get this..... the post is on your gift! He quotes Proverbs 18:16 which  says that “Your gift will make room for you and bring you before great men.”. Now I'm not sure about going before great men but I do nknow that this is yet another encouragement to use that seed that God planted in me as a little girl. I am passionate about reading, writing, story-telling, getting down on paper (or print or screen) the variety of human experience and emotions, descriptions of our interactions with this world and the spiritual world.

I remember, now I think about it again, the excitement and joy I felt when writing a story and sense of acheivement. It was like water bubbling up out of me and there was release with the joy. I want to feel that joy again and delight in the gift I believe God gave me. I want to use it for His glory, as He sees fit.

So I will continue with a couple of topics I started a few months back in a half-hearted way. Little writing exercises I began, I will endevour to complete. I'm going to open up the gates and let this flow again. I don't care if I make it as a published writer or not, what I care about is that I write and can share my stories and poems with people and hope that they enjoy them. I want to do the best I can and through that, give glory to our Amazing God.

What is in your hand? What did God place in your life that you used to be good at, you used to enjoy and have a passion for? Are you using it or have you given up on it? Perhaps it's time to ask God about it and see what He has to say about it.

Sunday 8 August 2010

Transformers (not the movie!)



Do you ever get frustrated with yourself? Be honest, do you?
I do. I am. Frequently!


If we continue being honest, we all tend to see ourselves in a certain light. I like to think I am this youthful, vibrant, creative woman who is liked by all, is loving, kind and forgiving, gracious, has no hang-ups and is pretty well-adjusted. Then I wake up and remember that this isn't actually who I am at all.


I'm a pretty messed up puppy really. I have huge insecurities, I spend quite a bit of my time every day being angry about something or with someone, I can be mean, gossipy, cruel, and there certainly isn't much graciousness displayed in my life.


When I became a Christian, many years ago (when dinosaurs ruled the earth), it was more or less intimated to me that my life, me, would change and suddenly I would become this amazing person, transformed into the likeness of Jesus. I would forgive, I would be gracious to others, I would be kind and loving, eschuing gossip and being helpful and encouraging instead. I would, as a matter of course, because of the radical change in my life, witness all the time, bring many to know this Jesus that I had myself just met. Life was never going to be the same, it would be a million times better.


You know something? That transformation didn't take place. How disappointed was I! This was meant to happen naturally, I'd barely be aware of it. But it never came. That's because I was misled and also because I didn't listen when later on others tried to correct this faulty thinking. Don't get me wrong, I am still incredibly grateful to the church that saw me finally come into a relationship with God. They saw my through my dreadful teenage years and my early twenties. They stood by me and I experienced God during that time in a positive and passionate way. But I always felt somewhat cheated and that feeling remains.


I've been listened to podcasts from Bill Johnson of Bethel Church, based in Redding, California. He did a series called Transformed and I began to listen to one today. He took the passage from Romans - Chapter 12 verse 2

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

A friend of mine attended a Discipleship Training School with Youth With a Mission years ago. I remember very clearly, when she came home at the end of it, sharing with me the teaching she had received on this course and this particular verse and the teaching that went with it impacted her very strongly. I think it does to this day as she continues to grow in her amazing faith. She has truly modelled to me what it means to be "transformed by the renewing" of her mind.


So I guess my beef is, why aren't I being transformed? Why, in my 31 years of being a Christian (is it really that long?), have I not seen the changes, been aware of God renewing me from the inside out?
To go back to Bill Johnson, the bit that leapt out at me of this particular teaching was this - "I feel that God is saying "I want my ways to overide your ways. I want my thoughts to overide your thoughts,I'm going to overwhelm you with goodness until you are conformed.""


I happened to be walking from the shops when I heard this and I wanted to drop the carrier bags of food and stick my hands up in the air shouting "Yes, Lord, please will you just hurry up and do this already. I've been waiting for so long". I could feel the exasperation in my heart and mind. Bill made a good point when he said that a number of people listening to this particular sermon would be challenged on wrong thinking regarding transformation and the renewing of the mind. I think he's right. I am being challenged because I know that God expects me to do my part. For some people, God is gracious and He enables them to stop taking drugs straight away, stop swearing straight away or other things that affect them. Overnight these people become changed people and they have amazing testimonies of how God has radically affected them for good. They are not the "norm" or so it would seem.


The "norm" tends to be the rest of us who plod along and God gives us opportunities to say yes to His way of thinking rather than what is considered to be standard for our day and age.
In all honesty, I tend to either be blind to these "opportunities" or alternatively I ignore them or walk the other way. I'm not good at forgiving people. I hold grudges.  I'm not good at testimonies, I hide my beliefs because I know they aren't popular and I want people to like me. I'm a people-pleaser.


Know what? I don't want to continue like this. Why? Because being a Christian has actually brought more stress into my life rather than less. My flesh constantly fights against what I know to be God's ways. Paul even addresses this in the New Testament, one of his Epistles. Romans 7 v 15 says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."  He adds "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." V 18-19. All this striving is causing me to lose any joy I ever had in the Christian faith and my relationship with God.


So what is the answer? How do I become transformed? Well the sad news is it requires effort on my part. I need to make the choice to take the right way when presented with the option. Jesus did the hard work, He saved my sorry arse when He hung on the Cross and died for my sins. He rescued me from death when I said that I would give my life to Him and acknowledge Him as King. What He is asking me to do is simply to say "I choose Your way" then go do it. I say "Simply" but really there is nothing simple about it at all. I find it very hard. Does that mean I am not a Christian? I don't think so otherwise Paul wouldn't have been one either!!!


There isn't a conclusion to this post really. I know what I have to do. It just seems so hard and I fail so often. I really want God to, as Bill said, overwhelm me with His goodness. I want His thoughts to overwhelm my thoughts and His ways overwhelm my ways. I'm frustrated with myself because I am still going round in circles, chasing my tail. I'm still choosing poorly and I seem to be no further on in my walk than I was 30 years ago. I'm still very much a "baby" in the Lord.


I really want God to break out in my life in the radical way I hoped He would when I was a new born-again believer. So I'm praying that God will answer this heart's cry of mine and help me. I do believe in God, I do believe He can change people's lives. For some reason, it seems I have a problem believing He can make any change in mine. That's just plain sad! Tranform me God, transform me into who You called me to be. I know I'm Your child but I just don't seem to act like it.