A Sunday in August

Transformers (not the movie!)

Do you ever get frustrated with yourself? Be honest, do you?
I do. I am. Frequently!


If we continue being honest, we all tend to see ourselves in a certain light. I like to think I am this youthful, vibrant, creative woman who is liked by all, is loving, kind and forgiving, gracious, has no hang-ups and is pretty well-adjusted. Then I wake up and remember that this isn't actually who I am at all.


I'm a pretty messed up puppy really. I have huge insecurities, I spend quite a bit of my time every day being angry about something or with someone, I can be mean, gossipy, cruel, and there certainly isn't much graciousness displayed in my life.


When I became a Christian, many years ago (when dinosaurs ruled the earth), it was more or less intimated to me that my life, me, would change and suddenly I would become this amazing person, transformed into the likeness of Jesus. I would forgive, I would be gracious to others, I would be kind and loving, eschuing gossip and being helpful and encouraging instead. I would, as a matter of course, because of the radical change in my life, witness all the time, bring many to know this Jesus that I had myself just met. Life was never going to be the same, it would be a million times better.


You know something? That transformation didn't take place. How disappointed was I! This was meant to happen naturally, I'd barely be aware of it. But it never came. That's because I was misled and also because I didn't listen when later on others tried to correct this faulty thinking. Don't get me wrong, I am still incredibly grateful to the church that saw me finally come into a relationship with God. They saw my through my dreadful teenage years and my early twenties. They stood by me and I experienced God during that time in a positive and passionate way. But I always felt somewhat cheated and that feeling remains.


I've been listened to podcasts from Bill Johnson of Bethel Church, based in Redding, California. He did a series called Transformed and I began to listen to one today. He took the passage from Romans - Chapter 12 verse 2

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

A friend of mine attended a Discipleship Training School with Youth With a Mission years ago. I remember very clearly, when she came home at the end of it, sharing with me the teaching she had received on this course and this particular verse and the teaching that went with it impacted her very strongly. I think it does to this day as she continues to grow in her amazing faith. She has truly modelled to me what it means to be "transformed by the renewing" of her mind.


So I guess my beef is, why aren't I being transformed? Why, in my 31 years of being a Christian (is it really that long?), have I not seen the changes, been aware of God renewing me from the inside out?
To go back to Bill Johnson, the bit that leapt out at me of this particular teaching was this - "I feel that God is saying "I want my ways to overide your ways. I want my thoughts to overide your thoughts,I'm going to overwhelm you with goodness until you are conformed.""


I happened to be walking from the shops when I heard this and I wanted to drop the carrier bags of food and stick my hands up in the air shouting "Yes, Lord, please will you just hurry up and do this already. I've been waiting for so long". I could feel the exasperation in my heart and mind. Bill made a good point when he said that a number of people listening to this particular sermon would be challenged on wrong thinking regarding transformation and the renewing of the mind. I think he's right. I am being challenged because I know that God expects me to do my part. For some people, God is gracious and He enables them to stop taking drugs straight away, stop swearing straight away or other things that affect them. Overnight these people become changed people and they have amazing testimonies of how God has radically affected them for good. They are not the "norm" or so it would seem.


The "norm" tends to be the rest of us who plod along and God gives us opportunities to say yes to His way of thinking rather than what is considered to be standard for our day and age.
In all honesty, I tend to either be blind to these "opportunities" or alternatively I ignore them or walk the other way. I'm not good at forgiving people. I hold grudges.  I'm not good at testimonies, I hide my beliefs because I know they aren't popular and I want people to like me. I'm a people-pleaser.


Know what? I don't want to continue like this. Why? Because being a Christian has actually brought more stress into my life rather than less. My flesh constantly fights against what I know to be God's ways. Paul even addresses this in the New Testament, one of his Epistles. Romans 7 v 15 says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."  He adds "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." V 18-19. All this striving is causing me to lose any joy I ever had in the Christian faith and my relationship with God.


So what is the answer? How do I become transformed? Well the sad news is it requires effort on my part. I need to make the choice to take the right way when presented with the option. Jesus did the hard work, He saved my sorry arse when He hung on the Cross and died for my sins. He rescued me from death when I said that I would give my life to Him and acknowledge Him as King. What He is asking me to do is simply to say "I choose Your way" then go do it. I say "Simply" but really there is nothing simple about it at all. I find it very hard. Does that mean I am not a Christian? I don't think so otherwise Paul wouldn't have been one either!!!


There isn't a conclusion to this post really. I know what I have to do. It just seems so hard and I fail so often. I really want God to, as Bill said, overwhelm me with His goodness. I want His thoughts to overwhelm my thoughts and His ways overwhelm my ways. I'm frustrated with myself because I am still going round in circles, chasing my tail. I'm still choosing poorly and I seem to be no further on in my walk than I was 30 years ago. I'm still very much a "baby" in the Lord.


I really want God to break out in my life in the radical way I hoped He would when I was a new born-again believer. So I'm praying that God will answer this heart's cry of mine and help me. I do believe in God, I do believe He can change people's lives. For some reason, it seems I have a problem believing He can make any change in mine. That's just plain sad! Tranform me God, transform me into who You called me to be. I know I'm Your child but I just don't seem to act like it.

Feel?

Hopefully most people are aware of a singer called Robbie Williams who hails from the UK.  He used to be part of a group called Take That (and I understand has now joined them again).

He and his then producer, Guy Chambers, wrote a song called "Feel". It was one of his few truly international hits, the other being "Angels".

Have you ever read the words? Thought about them? How come this song did so very well, with its rather downbeat lyrics? He'd had plenty other bouncy, more upbeat songs. What was it about this one that touched people?

I have a theory. Yes, it's only a theory, my own opinion that you may not agree with. This was brought back to me very recently as a person close to me listened to the song, sang along and began to cry because, they said the words said how they felt exactly.

This is why I think this song did so well, it touched a chord in many people.
Here's an excerpt:

"I just wanna feel real love, feel the home that I live in
Cos I got too much life running through my veins,
Going to waste.

I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either,
Before I fall in love, I'm preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death, that's why I keep on running
Before I've arrived, I can see myself coming"
Copyright R Williams/G Chambers

You can read all the lyrics by following this link.

What I'm getting at is that, increasingly, it seems that large numbers of people feel disconnected from their life, a sense of not being all or acheiving all they could be and do.
Bearing in mind the times we live in and how, in the Western world, the marjority have a disposable income, have a home, family and extra leisure time, why are so many of us feeling disatisfied with our lives, as though we have been short-changed somehow?

I speak to many people and hear a similar thread running through conversations of any depth. It comes back to feeling that there is more in life and it hasn't been attained yet. 

Supposedly, thanks to computers and modern conveniences, we now have more time on our hands, more time outside the office/factory/place of work where we can develop our skills, begin to fulfil our dreams but so few actually do. In fairness, it seems that more people are having to work longer hours and in Europe, the UK workforce seem to work the longest hours of all the countries.

So why is this? Well this will sound trite but I believe that our priorities in life are somewhat skewed.
That's not to say that life isn't hard, that bad things don't happen and that people, all of us, will from time to time feel a little down, that's just part of the human experience.
But this disatisfaction is because we all believed the lie that if we had more, the latest gadget, more money, that mobile phone, this car etc that life would suddenly attain meaning. We would be experiencing life at its finest and we would understand our purpose in life.  We would be fulfilled. Consumerism has failed us all. It didn't deliver. The excesses we embarked on left us dry and without hope.

Robbie sings "there's a hole in my soul, you can see it in my face, its a real big place". I believe it's the "God-shaped hole", although this has been so over-used now that even as I type I cringe. Do I mean that life will suddenly become this amazing thing and nothing bad will ever happen? No, I make no such claim. I believe in God and still get down, depressed, wonder about meaning in life etc. But that is not God's fault. It's actually mine because these feelings of helplessness and hopelessness usually come when I've either not done what I should do, done something I shouldn't have or have been affected by someone's doing or not doing either of those things. It calls in to question why I'm here and if I allow those feelings and thoughts to continue, down the road of sadness and listlessness I go.

The Westminster Catchechism states that "Man's chief end is to worship God and to enjoy Him forever".
If we aren't living this then we aren't fulfilling our purpose on this earth. If you are anything like me, when I first heard that, my initial reaction was "Oh great, time spent singing in a choir with my harp for the rest of eternity, going to endless church services and being totally and utterly boring. Where is the fun in any of this?"

But think of all the things that make us swell inside with joy, happiness or laughter. Breathtaking scenery can burn the heart with it's beauty. Who made that scenery? God.
What about enjoying the company of children who are laughing and playing, being funny? God created makind in the first instance, we are His idea.
How about music that makes us light-hearted, uplifted (any taste, rock, classical, jazz to name a few)? God blessed man with the creativity to make music, write plays, stories and poems, to paint, draw and mold, chisel, weld.

So when we do what God created us to do, we can find fulfilment. Will we still be affected by news of wars, famines, violence, greed? Yes, of course. We are a reflection of God's own heart. Because mankind chose to go his own way, what goes on in the world is not God's fault as so many of us will claim from time to time. That is such an easy answer and means we have yet another reason for not believing in Him and thereby obeying Him.  No, it's actually because somewhere down the line, the individual has decided to be selfish with what he's been given, whether it's talent, money, abilities and the result, when more individuals do this is war, violence, greed etc which means others suffer.

What has this to do with me, with others, including this person who cried listening to Robbie's song?

We feel the pain that all is not well with the world, we have lost the true sense of ourselves and who we really are, who we are called to be. Hence the pain when someone articulates it as beautifully as Robbie and Guy did. Our soul cries out and says "Yes, this is me. I know exactly what they mean. I have that hole in my soul. I'm not a whole person, something (Someone) is missing and the pain is awful".

The fact of the matter is God knows about that pain in the soul, He also sees the hole and He knows why it's there. He wants to fill it. He wants to give meaning to life. He has a purpose for each and every one of us. Fact is we will never be truly happy unless we find it and that means firstly acknowledging that God exists, that He is our Creator. It then means agreeing with Him that we are made for His pleasure and to have relationship with Him. From that base, everything else can flow. It will be a steep learning curve but we can do it. He will help us.

Am I there yet? Am I fulfilling my purpose in life? No, I don't think so, not yet so I speak as one who continues to have that hole. God is there but He will only fill the hole with Himself with as much as we will let Him. I continue to hesitate, prevaricate. Why? Well God and I are still discussing that one. But I do know He is the answer. I'm just haggling over the question!

A word in season

Hi Blog world,

To the two people who read this blog and know me well (hahaha), I say a cheery hi. In fairness, I actually don't have a problem that no-one really reads this, I think I have maintained before that I find writing things out cathartic.

Anyway I have a few things buzzing around to be posted in due course but I thought I'd post them in chronological order.

As you may recall from previous posts, I have a few battles going on, not least of which is the ongoing battle with my weight and self-esteem as a result of fighting the battle of the bulge.

One tends to think that, in the scheme of things, is God really fussed about weight, relationship issues, family squabbles and such? I fluctuate between the secular view that, if He does exist, why on earth would He when there are starving people in Africa and wars in Afghanistan and the evangelical view that God cares about each and every worry we have because we are His children.

So swing back to two weeks ago, roughly. It's the middle of the week, I've weighed myself and done my weekly measurements and found that, inspite of a new nutrition routine and attending a bootcamp where a fitness instructor screams at a crowd of us who stupidly pay for the priviledge, I've not lost any inches and am still the same weight that I was 4 weeks ago.
To boot, I'm having home problems as my other half and I circle each other and manage to inflict short sharp stings of comments designed to really hurt. Work isn't much cop either. In all, it's not a happy "hump" day (for those of you who don't know what "Hump" day is, its the middle of the week - Wednesday. Hump meaning that you have crested the hill of that week and heading to the weekend - yes, I know, wishing life away etc.)

Well, I haven't frequented a popular prophetic website in a while, partly because I've found it has put some pretty flaky articles in of late so was wary. However, I happen to flick through and read a particular one and I can truly say, God was speaking to me. It was so clear and what's more, He was using a theme he had been speaking to me about with both friends and personally.

The key part that jumped out was this:"I know the pain you are going through, I know the stress, the worry, the sicknesses, the disease; the burdens, the doubts, the unbelief, and I am more than able to be your Burden-Bearer. But how can I bear your burdens if you do not come unto Me? Have I not said in My Word, 'Cast your cares upon Me'? Cast your cares from a place of worship, draw from My presence, pour out into My presence; for as you plant in worship, you will reap in answers. "

No I am not sick (apart from in the head possibly) but yes, I have doubts and unbelief and I certainly have stress and worry. So what a comfort to know that God, my Father, cares about this but can only help if I go directly to Him rather than fretting over it. In fairness, I shouldn't need an item from a website to remind me of this. God spoke of this in the bible many times, of how much He cares for us and Jesus also spoke of Father's concern and knowledge of His children. (Matthew 6:26).

But hand in hand with this theme of concern rises, yet again, this call to maturity. There is mention in this word of the call to praise God in whatever circumstances and regardless of whether prayers get answered as we see fit or not, or indeed, answered at all. There is a call to stand in faith, regardless of everything else because ultimately God is worthy.

So my lesson was, and still is, to make sure that I turn every worry and concern over to God. Talk to Him about them and listen for His thoughts on the issues I have. Equally I need to continue to stand in faith and obedience and offer praise whatever is going on in my life.

I, as well as others, have found that, when God has something He wants to get through to you, He'll bring it up time and time again. Best to start listening!

The rest of this word can be found by following this link.

Poem - Stand

I've been pondering this theme of spiritual maturity and our attitudes and the key word I hear over and over is to "stand". So I looked up this verse. Now this verse talks about arming yourself so that you are ready for anything the devil flings at you. But I also see it as being prepared for whatever life thows your way too. I don't give the devil credit for every mishap that goes on in life. He's just not that powerful!

Life can present it's own little bumps along the road without any help, it's just the way of things. But our mature faith can still serve us well in these situations.

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." Ephesians 6:13

This is a poem I wrote about it.

Stand


When you feel misunderstood
Stand straight
When lies are told about you
Stand straight
When you feel a failure
Stand straight
When you’re judged unfairly
Stand straight

When you are angry
Stand corrected
When you’ve cheated
Stand corrected
When you behaved badly
Stand corrected
When you’ve hated
Stand corrected

After you’ve forgotten God
Stand again
After you have a sulk
Stand again
After you’re selfish
Stand again
After you’ve sinned
Stand again

When the key goes missing
Stand up
When the car breaks down
Stand up
If the roof springs a leak
Stand up
If the bus comes early
Stand up

When you hear God’s voice
Stand still
When you talk too much
Stand still
If they need your shoulder
Stand still
When the sunset is blazing
Stand still

When you want to give up
Stand firm
When it doesn’t change
Stand firm
When you can’t feel Him
Stand firm
When all else fails
Stand firm

Spiritual maturity - a tough assignment

It's been a while since my last post. Much has happened. Some good, some bad. It's life as we know it. You can't expect life to play fairly all the time. Life is consistently inconsistent.

Happily there is One who is consistent and we can rely on. God, His Son Jesus Christ and His Spirit! The Trinity, the three Persons who are one (a mystery if ever there was)!
He remains the same always, whatever is happening in the world, in our life, at work, at home, in our relationships, in our bodies and minds. Whatever is going on, God is always the same and He never changes.

Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."

Okay, so those of you who are Christians will say, "Nice one, way to state the flippin' obvious!".
Those who aren't probably have a number of arguments, questions or issues with that verse and previous statement.

I'm not going to address those here. All I can do is make you aware of discussions I've been a part of, the thoughts and struggles I've had and what I believe God is saying to me. I also believe He says this to all believers. I know there are others out there who grasped this some time ago so go make a coffee or something, flip to another blog because I don't wish to bore you rigid.

Somewhere along the line, the Christian faith was promoted as "come to Jesus and you'll never have another trouble in your life". It's the biggest pile of horsesh*t you are ever likely to hear and please disregard it if you do. It's an outright lie. Jesus never gave sermons on the Mount, or anywhere else for that matter, where He stated that belief in Him and His Father meant an easy life. If anything, He said the opposite!

Matthew 10:22 "all men will hate you because of Me..." Now does that sounds like life will really just become this carefree ride till death and Heaven?

But we somehow struggle with the "it's not fair" child syndrome, even in faith, even when we're cracking on in years and life on this planet should have taught us a few lessons about fairness, or the lack of it.

If I'm honest, there are still times now when I will say to my husband or even a friend the wonderful line of "It's not fair!".

If you've reached adulthood, I'm sure at sometime you have either had the conversation with a child about the concept of fair and unfair or have witnessed such a conversation and, with your life experience to date, you've smiled because you know that child will eventually learn that fair wasn't actually anything to do with that particular query. You know that they will experience, as you have, another person getting the job they felt they should have had, being passed over for promotion again, that that particular person didn't feel the same way they had felt about them and other such examples of "life's unfair".

So how come, when it comes to matters of faith, we can find it so hard to grow up in that regard? Trust me, I am a child when it comes to my faith and not in the heartwarming way that the Bible speaks of when it calls us children of God. I mean the full monty of childish pouting and posturing, "throwing teddy out of the pram"kind of child in respect of faith matters.

A case in point. I have been praying for many years about a situation that has caused me much heartache. This situation is one for which I take responsibility and sadly has steadily got worse with time rather than better. I can't tell you how many tears I've cried over this, how many times I've wished I were dead, wished all kinds of bad things, how my heart has been broken over and over again. I've repented, I've offered forgiveness, I've tried to make amends. I've prayed for strength, for a change of heart for me, for others.

I've begged, pleaded and basically tried to bribe God into giving me what I want, what I believe is the answer to this problem that I managed to set in motion. I've got angry with Him, shouted at Him for His seeming unwillingness to help me. I've even turned my back on Him when I felt that He was ignoring me. I've railed at the lack of an answer, just silence from Him.
Not exactly a testimony to a great faith, is it? But I'm telling it like it is.

So where does maturity come into this, you ask.

Well, think back to the verse at the beginning which states that Jesus is always the same. Jesus said when we saw Him, we saw the Father. So if Jesus is always the same, so is God. What's God like then?

" The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness" Exodus 34:6

" Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord, Jesus Christ, the Father of Compassion and the God of all Comfort" 2 Cor 1:3
(note here, if everything was meant to be hunky dory after faith, why would God need to be the God of comfort and have compassion?)

"For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations" Ps 100:5

So this is our God. This is just the tip of who He is and the ultimate act of His love for us was this...

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Rom 5:8
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16

Now we have a measure of the God who created us and died for us, who loves us. All clear so far? Stay with me, we're getting there.

We have a starting point of who God is, what He's like. Key things to remember here are that He is good, loves us, died for us and that He never changes. See the above verses.

And so to maturity. I have a friend who is going through a tough time. It has caused her much heartache, sorrow and anger and she is by no means out of the woods. In fact, recently, it has seemed as though the darkness has got that much deeper. As we spoke about the difficulties she is facing, we've spoken about faith, about praying for change and believing that God is with us in the midst of our troubles. This incredible woman told me recently that it comes back to believing God is who He says He is, believing His Word, the Bible and not going by our feelings. Like me, she has often felt abandoned because she has no sense of God's Presence but ( can you feel the but) she chooses to believe in God's Word over her feelings. Why? Because that, my friends, is spiritual maturity.

Oh that isn't why she's doing it. My friend hasn't decided that life is sh*tty so "I'll just use this opportunity for some spiritual growing up!". No, it's grim detemination to hold on to God because He is for her in a way that no other person can be. That maturity however will be the result of her determination to believe God and that transient feelings aren't to be believed. Sometimes, and I don't pretend to fully understand it, God asks us to walk in the dark and continue to believe Him, even as we feel His hand slip from our grap. The fact is our feelings are lying. God still has our hand firmly held in His.

The Bible says we are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Rom 12:2). The act of transforming is the gaining of spiritual maturity. It's not necessarily a pleasurable experience but it will serve us in the end as we view God with a clearer understanding rather than the childlike surmise that He is unfair, unloving and unresponsive.

Still more recently, I had the joy of spending time with a friend who has been living the other side of the world for over 10 years and had made an unexpected visit. During our conversation we touched on her recent experiences in her daily faith walk and, surprise - surprise, she feels God is encouraging her to grow in spiritual maturity. For the second time, I was presented with the experiences of a person whom I greatly admire who was struggling with issues which have thrown up a number of extra concerns and cares. Again, prayer has been involved but also conversations, experiences which have all pointed her to the conclusion of the need for a mature faith to deal with these problems. "Keeping short accounts" is part of this walk that she is currently on. As this dear lady pointed out to me, whilst it's great to have encounters with God, see things in the heavenly realms and get words, pictures etc, what will change the world more than anything will be love and a solid faith that weathers all storms. That's what people will notice in the long haul over the more obvious razzamatazz of faith.

So what about me? Where am I in this discussion? I've thought about the temptations, the deep flaws in my character, the battles I have with my emotions, the struggles with recurring sins. I go back to my, as yet, unchanged situation. I've shed more tears recently, stormed and raged, been in despair. I've asked for and received prayer support and encouragement from these two amazing women and, in both instances, I have felt God pointing me towards the need for maturity in Him. To not believe my feelings of hopelessness but to persist in prayer, to not give up when the fickle infant in me wishes to "not play" anymore. That there is more to my experience than just this issue. God is aware of my needs and maybe, right now, whilst I may not like it and may not see it, perhaps my most pressing need is not the one I think it is. God is all-knowing, He sees exactly what I need, the need He has placed at the top of His agenda and how best to address that particular need.

So I'm going to concentrate on God, on who He is. I'm going to look at His character and attributes rather than focus on me and my issues. I won't always be successful. I suspect I will forget frequently but I want to persist. I know that God will honour my efforts if I do this with a willing and open heart. Nothing in this world is as important as knowing who God is, NOTHING!

I want to let God change me from the inside out, develop me into what He has called me to be. It's time to put the milk bottle down and start tackling solids.

It's time to grow up.

Lights! Camera! Distraction!

Ever suddenly wake up and wonder where you are?

Or have you ever been sat in front of the tv watching a show then, gradually, it dawns on you that you've missed chunks of the dialogue because you must have dozed off to sleep a few times and you know that its a sign you should head for bed?

Its easy enough to get distracted from things. Either its an immediate distraction - think of a child coming in saying "Mum, mum, mum! I need this" or "I can't find that!". It can be a gradual one. You're doing some housework and are tidying away some books or a magazine. You flick through a few pages, you read a few lines and think "I must get on, so much to do". But then you read a few more lines and, before you know it, you're reading and the housework is forgotten.

I know some people who are incredibly focussed and, sometimes I envy them their singlemindedness. At other times, there is a joy in being distracted. Perhaps doing the gardening and suddenly noticing the song of the birds and pausing to listen to them.

But the distraction I'm referring to today isn't the last kind, the good kind.

As you may have picked up from my previous posts, God has been speaking to me about my attitude and about Love, His love for me and how I feel about Him. There was growth there and real pause for thought. In all this, God was drawing me closer to Him, to His heartbeat.

However, since my last post, I have gradually drawing away from God. Its not been a conscious thing, not intentional but, similar to drifting off infront of the box or reading a book whilst doing the housework, I have had the occassional thought of "oh, I don't feel God" or " I'm feeling rather indifferent". Those thoughts alone should have me sat up and taking notice.

Our faith isn't to be based on feelings. Whilst they can be wonderful, they can also be mis-leading. Feelings can tell us that God doesn't love us and that is an outright lie. Feelings can tell us that something feels really good but actually whatever it is happens to be bad for us. They aren't to be relied on. A friend of mine recently told me of the struggle of maturing in faith and, when not feeling anything, to keep pressing through. She felt that God was calling her toward more maturity in her faith (and she's been a Christian for over 20 years! - Yup, growing up in faith never stops). So that should have been the first indication that something was amiss.

But also, what about the timing? God has obviously been working on this area the heart, re-visiting my past, looking at my thoughts on who I think) He is, my experiences that have caused me to distrust Him  and also my issues with relationships.  All important stuff. But the feelings of being distant continued.

On top of that, my battle with weight suddenly became far more focussed and intense. If I am honest, it has begun to dominate my life. I've been talking about it so much that my poor husband had to call "time-out" on it. God was pushed to the back of my mind whilst I fretted and fidgeted.

In addition, things picked up pace in other areas of life....more distractions.

Its only in the last week that I've begun to get that stronger sense of Someone saying in my ear "Wake up! Wake up! This isn't normal, you're losing your focus. Fight it and look to Me". The question has to be why, why now?

I have been getting deeper into all these issues but had reached a chapter of the book, Captivating, called Healing the Wound. I believe now that the devil really doesn't want to see me set free from things or to repent of attitudes which will cause me to draw ever closer to God and Jesus, to grow in my faith. I got to the chapter and thought at the time 'I must not rush through this, I must read slowly, do what is suggested and process carefully. There's freedom to be gained". I closed the book and, yes even now it becomes clearer as I type, the smoke filled my eyes and surrounded me, making me drowsy. The lights of distraction came up slowly like houselights at the end of a show in a theatre and there was my weight issue and other things.

The devil is exceptionally cunning (snake!) and will use anything he can to get our eyes, minds and hearts off God. He is ruthless in that regard (and all others really). I began to put the pieces together at the beginning of last week and started to pray but its been a big struggle. Mentally its like I've been wading through porridge or molasses. My reactions slow.
So to try to help myself, I've been listening to worship music again, as much as I can or, when I'm at the computer, I'll sometimes watch a worship video so I can turn my thoughts towards Father.

One of my favourite worship CDs at the moment is Here is Love from Bethel Church in Redding, California. One of the tracks is a spontaneous worship song and, at the beginning, the singer asks the congregation to turn their affections toward Jesus. That is what I need to do, turn my attention and affection towards Him. Sometimes, when all else fails, worship is the act to train our mind on God and our Saviour. Sometimes the sacrifice of praise is what it takes to break the devil's trick of smoke and mirrors, moving our gaze away from the One who loves us enough to die for us.

Now you're probably expecting me to say at this point that I'm back on track and that I'm having mindblowing messages from God and I meet with the Holy Spirit every day and I'm transported to other places (I'm not 'dissing this by the way, I would love to have this happen). The truth is I am still struggling, still wading through the molasses but I am atleast awake now and I see the distractions for what they are, distractions. My eyes are sleepy but they are open. The Spirit is whispering in my ear and encouraging me to think on God, to listen to that music and that praise and enter in again to dialogue with my Heavenly Father.  This isn't to say that the distractions in themselves are bad but the importance they hold in my life over my attention to God is. God wants to continue His conversation with me and I want to be awake and to listen to what He has to say for only He has the words of Life.

As to that chapter, well I need to be reading it soon before I nod back off to sleep. Now where's that worship CD? Its time to turn up the volume!!!