Lights! Camera! Distraction!

Ever suddenly wake up and wonder where you are?

Or have you ever been sat in front of the tv watching a show then, gradually, it dawns on you that you've missed chunks of the dialogue because you must have dozed off to sleep a few times and you know that its a sign you should head for bed?

Its easy enough to get distracted from things. Either its an immediate distraction - think of a child coming in saying "Mum, mum, mum! I need this" or "I can't find that!". It can be a gradual one. You're doing some housework and are tidying away some books or a magazine. You flick through a few pages, you read a few lines and think "I must get on, so much to do". But then you read a few more lines and, before you know it, you're reading and the housework is forgotten.

I know some people who are incredibly focussed and, sometimes I envy them their singlemindedness. At other times, there is a joy in being distracted. Perhaps doing the gardening and suddenly noticing the song of the birds and pausing to listen to them.

But the distraction I'm referring to today isn't the last kind, the good kind.

As you may have picked up from my previous posts, God has been speaking to me about my attitude and about Love, His love for me and how I feel about Him. There was growth there and real pause for thought. In all this, God was drawing me closer to Him, to His heartbeat.

However, since my last post, I have gradually drawing away from God. Its not been a conscious thing, not intentional but, similar to drifting off infront of the box or reading a book whilst doing the housework, I have had the occassional thought of "oh, I don't feel God" or " I'm feeling rather indifferent". Those thoughts alone should have me sat up and taking notice.

Our faith isn't to be based on feelings. Whilst they can be wonderful, they can also be mis-leading. Feelings can tell us that God doesn't love us and that is an outright lie. Feelings can tell us that something feels really good but actually whatever it is happens to be bad for us. They aren't to be relied on. A friend of mine recently told me of the struggle of maturing in faith and, when not feeling anything, to keep pressing through. She felt that God was calling her toward more maturity in her faith (and she's been a Christian for over 20 years! - Yup, growing up in faith never stops). So that should have been the first indication that something was amiss.

But also, what about the timing? God has obviously been working on this area the heart, re-visiting my past, looking at my thoughts on who I think) He is, my experiences that have caused me to distrust Him  and also my issues with relationships.  All important stuff. But the feelings of being distant continued.

On top of that, my battle with weight suddenly became far more focussed and intense. If I am honest, it has begun to dominate my life. I've been talking about it so much that my poor husband had to call "time-out" on it. God was pushed to the back of my mind whilst I fretted and fidgeted.

In addition, things picked up pace in other areas of life....more distractions.

Its only in the last week that I've begun to get that stronger sense of Someone saying in my ear "Wake up! Wake up! This isn't normal, you're losing your focus. Fight it and look to Me". The question has to be why, why now?

I have been getting deeper into all these issues but had reached a chapter of the book, Captivating, called Healing the Wound. I believe now that the devil really doesn't want to see me set free from things or to repent of attitudes which will cause me to draw ever closer to God and Jesus, to grow in my faith. I got to the chapter and thought at the time 'I must not rush through this, I must read slowly, do what is suggested and process carefully. There's freedom to be gained". I closed the book and, yes even now it becomes clearer as I type, the smoke filled my eyes and surrounded me, making me drowsy. The lights of distraction came up slowly like houselights at the end of a show in a theatre and there was my weight issue and other things.

The devil is exceptionally cunning (snake!) and will use anything he can to get our eyes, minds and hearts off God. He is ruthless in that regard (and all others really). I began to put the pieces together at the beginning of last week and started to pray but its been a big struggle. Mentally its like I've been wading through porridge or molasses. My reactions slow.
So to try to help myself, I've been listening to worship music again, as much as I can or, when I'm at the computer, I'll sometimes watch a worship video so I can turn my thoughts towards Father.

One of my favourite worship CDs at the moment is Here is Love from Bethel Church in Redding, California. One of the tracks is a spontaneous worship song and, at the beginning, the singer asks the congregation to turn their affections toward Jesus. That is what I need to do, turn my attention and affection towards Him. Sometimes, when all else fails, worship is the act to train our mind on God and our Saviour. Sometimes the sacrifice of praise is what it takes to break the devil's trick of smoke and mirrors, moving our gaze away from the One who loves us enough to die for us.

Now you're probably expecting me to say at this point that I'm back on track and that I'm having mindblowing messages from God and I meet with the Holy Spirit every day and I'm transported to other places (I'm not 'dissing this by the way, I would love to have this happen). The truth is I am still struggling, still wading through the molasses but I am atleast awake now and I see the distractions for what they are, distractions. My eyes are sleepy but they are open. The Spirit is whispering in my ear and encouraging me to think on God, to listen to that music and that praise and enter in again to dialogue with my Heavenly Father.  This isn't to say that the distractions in themselves are bad but the importance they hold in my life over my attention to God is. God wants to continue His conversation with me and I want to be awake and to listen to what He has to say for only He has the words of Life.

As to that chapter, well I need to be reading it soon before I nod back off to sleep. Now where's that worship CD? Its time to turn up the volume!!!

Chameleon

Warning, you may wish to read the previous post before reading this poem as one relates to the other.

Chameleon

In my chameleon life I have many faces,

a different mood for different places.

I grow an attitude for the rat-race centre,

authority becomes my tormentor.

I chaff against the ethic of work,

my rebellious side just goes berserk.

Then, with friends, I'm the "good time" girl.

I throw myself into the social whirl.

Unsheathing my claws of sarcastic remark,

I await the applause of those in the dark.

My family think I'm a regular wife

learning to love, cope with trouble and strife.

They don't know the desires I hide,

the secret sins in which I have no pride.

Lastly there's church and the "royal family",

I show them a side that the others don't see.

A belief in a Saviour who died on a tree,

who's blood and death "availed for me".

My scriptural knowledge is healthy and good.

I pray to the Father as a good Christian should.

But my "brothers and sisters" don't know of my shame,

the fact that I play the chameleon game.

O, what a perfect gem I turned out to be,

A shining example of duplicity!

Just what happens when the week is done?

Why, I just put my "Sunday" face on!

Smiling at friends, glaring at foes

then sporting a fish badge for a bit of a pose!

Silly chameleon, selling myself,

Fearful of being left up on the shelf

of unwanted people this world throws away,

Desperately wanting Someone to say

" I love you as you and you alone.

Leave the disguises and masks you own.

Accept yourself as I accept you.

Now go, be yourself, in all that you do."

I hear Him speak but cling to my masks,

still playing chameleon when somebody asks.

Facing ones fears - abandonment

I am continuing to read Captivating, a book that is speaking volumes to me at present and which I've already blogged on.

Well the journey I've begun in what God wants to reveal to me is also continuing.

When I was a little girl, I used to have a recurring nightmare. I would be sat on the roof of my parents' house and would watch them, my grandparents and my sister leave the house and begin to walk away down the road. I would call after them and they would assure me they would come back for me but I knew as they went around the corner out of sight that they wouldn't and I would be alone forever.

Recently I had a dream where I was young again, a teen, and in my dream I was at a party with a friend and no boy wanted to go out with me but my friend was inundated with offers of dates. I could feel the rejection in my dream. When I woke, I associated the feelings in the dream as being a very strong reflection of the real feelings of rejection I had when I was a teen going through this experience.

So how does this tie up? Well the chapters in the book I have read in the last two weeks have been about what God set in women's hearts, our desires, our hopes, what woman's character traits say about God and how our experiences have damaged us so that we don't refect God's character to the world as we should. (Hope I'm making sense here).

The book refers to Eve's taking the apple (yes, that incident) and the lack of trust it showed in God but also the cowardly passiveness of the man and how that affected Eve. Since then women in general have a deep-seated fear that God won't come through for them and that they can't really trust Him so they go out to find security for themselves and here is where things go wrong. We go looking for love and security in the wrong places because we are frightened we will be abandoned. We long to be loved, to be secure, to be the beauty who is fought for, the woman who is protected and to be involved in a great adventure. Our questions are "Am I beautiful, am I captivating? Do you love me? Am I wanted?"

If we feel those questions aren't being answered positively then we go looking for the answers in the wrong places if we don't go directly to God. When the question is answered negatively we can become controlling and dominating as we don't want to be vulnerable again (as asking those questions make us) so we become strong in ourselves. Alternatively we can become needy, mousy and desolate or even a combination of the two. In our pain and rejection, we can start to hate the natural vulnerability that God set in womankind to show that tenderhearted side of the heart of God to all and to become guarded and feel we can't share our real selves.

As I pondered this, I realised that in having my questions answered negatively at an early age, I learnt to become a combination of the two. Mousy and weak in some instances, forceful in others and nearly always looking in the wrong place for the positive answer to my questions. I also know that I truly feel that I can't be myself because there is that fear of being rejected. "They won't like me if they see me as I really am so I must behave this way". The theory is that if people don't like you then they will abandon you either physically, emotionally or both.

Some years back I wrote a poem to this effect called the Chameleon. I have always felt the need to be all things to all people and have gone out of my way most of my life to fit in, not to rock the boat or have differing opinions in order to be accepted. This concept of having to wear masks that people seem to require from me because the real me might be too much for them or not enough. I have it even now and with other Christians as well as non-Christians. As you can imagine, this fear has truly stunted my growth as a Christian and meant that my witness as a Christian has been virtually at a non-existant level, a thing that causes me shame but that I struggle to get through.

I have been able to attend church a few times this year (difficult circumstances dictate it as something I can't do often without causing ructions in the home). The pastor and his wife have been very sweet and welcoming to me when I've turned up. However, I frequently feel as though they are analysing me and thinking maybe that I am a bad influence on their church and will tell me to stop coming, that they actually are waiting to say something to me along the lines of "you are a bad influence. We don't want you to infect our flock. We don't want you". It's pretty horrible to feel this way but its a very real and strong fear I have.

Captivating talks about this fear of rejection. It speaks also of shame. Now that isn't a word that I actually associated with loneliness and fear of abandonment, shame. But then I read the description...."Shame causes us to hide. We are afraid of being truly seen, and so we hide our truest selves and offer what we believe is wanted". If that isn't the definition of a chameleon then I don't know what is!

As I have pondered this over the last two weeks, other things have fallen into place. I mentioned a few posts ago about drinking problems in the family, including me. I was considering taking a break from drinking, learning to be responsible in my consumption. As I considered it, a voice in me said "if I stop drinking, will I become a bore, dull and unexciting, less fun and funny?" It was a shocking thought. Did I really think that by drinking it made me a more interesting companion, friend, relative etc. I've actually done some of the most ridiculous and stupid things when I have been out of control that way. Not the smartest thing. There was fear behind this thought, what if the real me stands up and "they" find out what I'm really like?

Another chapter called "A Special Hatred" followed swiftly on the heels of this revelation. It spoke about how satan has fed women with a message that strikes fear into her heart and causes her to take her eyes off God. A voice will subtly speak to her and tell her " you are alone,when they see who you really are, you will be alone and no-one will ever truly come for you". Its funny but a number of women I have spoken to over the years have said how they can feel alone, even when married and with or without children.

So why are we trapped in our loneliness and heartache, this fear of abandonment? God wants to be our source of security, He wants to be our everything and our sense of worth defined by Him and what He says about us. Sadly, when we are fearful, we can go to other things for this feeling of security. The devil uses this cunningly to get us to take our eyes off God and so look to ourselves or others to provide that security. 

Because God loves us so much, he will "hem" us in so that we come to an end of ourselves and come to recognise our need for God. The book mentioned a specific area and my heart jumped as it recognised this area to be exactly where I go currently for my security and salvation. However God is allowing such hardship in that area that I am being challenged to throw myself on His mercy and seek Him for the security I crave, where I should always be looking.

It's deeply unpleasant to be in this position but this also links into me praying a while back (again a few posts ago) for me to learn to love God and have a heart that truly desires Him and has a passion for Him, to be stirred up. God is luring me back to Himself. He will allow things in my life to draw me back to Him. He has a plan for my life and the key in that plan is my relationship with Him, restored, renewed and totally in love with Him, committed to Him.

There is some deep stuff going on. I am having interesting conversations with family members about the past, growing up and coming to a level of understanding of why I am the way I am. God doesn't want the Chameleon, He wants me with no masks but instead the person He created me to be. He doesn't want me to pretend to be anyone else other than me, the one He thought of as I was being put together in the womb (Ps 139). The amazing thing is God sent His Son to die for the person I really am, the person that hides behind the masks and the fears. If God loved me enough that He would do that, why should I go to anyone else for my security? God's answer to my questions are "Yes, you are beautiful, I created you. Yes I think you're captivating, I created you to be. Yes I do love you very much. Yes, you are very much wanted, you are My child, My daughter".

Fighting history

Yup, me again. I seem to have a lot to say these days. The beauty of this blog is that about two people other than myself have viewed it so I don't have to worry that people think I have nothing better to do with my life or that I'm just trying to attract attention to myself by constant blogging!

I mentioned only this week that blogging is cathartic to me and I am able to process what is going on in my life when I write. So whether this is read or not, I'm still getting something out of it. That's got to be good.

Anyway, enough of the preamble.

Families are tough things. On the one hand, there is joy in being part of a family and coming together. Christmases and other high days and holidays are better (at least mostly better) and just knowing that there are people on the planet that would notice if you weren't around anymore.

But equally families can be a huge source of frustration, tension, bitterness, upset.  They can be a blessing and a curse.

Why the title, "Fighting history".? Well on a number of levels actually.

I continue to read the book "Captivating" mentioned in one of my earlier blogs and personality traits are being highlighted that I know have been handed down to me through my family. I'd love to say these are positive ones but they aren't. In fairness, to give a slightly balanced view, I have received positive traits too from my family. My mother's love of music and her artistic nature, love of creativity, writing, painting, making music. It was she that first spoke to me of God and Jesus, although she became a Christian long after I had but our discussions and her ensuring I went to Sunday School laid a positive foundation for me spiritually. I've inherited my my Grandfather's love of theatre and drama. My love of nature comes from my Grandmother and my colouring is totally my father's, very European looking.

But the negative traits can also be passed along the generational lines. My mother can be very domineering and controlling. I know she doesn't recognise this in herself but it has effected the whole family and how my sister and I were brought up, how I view God as a parent and how I feel about myself. In fairness, this was probably passed down to her from my Grandfather who, in turn, was the same.  I think I may have inherited his temper!

In a chapter in "Captivating", it addresses the effects of the Fall and our ejection from the Garden of Eden and the effect it had on all womankind. The worry is common, that God and man (the gender) cannot really be trusted with our security. So a split has developed in how women deal with this falsehood (certainly false about God anyway. Man is also fallen). Some women can be domineering and forceful. I immediately thought of my mother and the various events in my life as a result of that character trait and what is has meant for me and for my relationship with my mother.

Basically, on certain occasions when I have really needed her comfort and good advice or, more than advice, just a listening ear, instead I have received judgement, anger misdirected at me and no comfort at all. I hasten to add here that this is only some occasions, in others she has totally shone through for me.

But the other occasions have so shattered me that I have since withdrawn from my mother both emotionally and also physically. This will sound dreadful but I have put distance between us and don't visit as often as I should or phone as often as I should. My sister has withdrawn even further emotionally. 

The other kind of women are mousy, needy and desolate or a bit of both, sometimes controlling and sometimes needy. I see myself as the third. The controlling influence I see as being from my mother, the neediness as being my counter play in my efforts not to be like her and not to continue the cycle.

If I was to associate a word with my mother from my childhood it would be "disappointed". Hence its a bit difficult to see God as being any different sometimes. I know this is remarkably unfair. I have not been a parent but have friends who are and who are aware just how easy it is to have a negative influence on their child's character. Its a tough job and children are not little angels all the time but frequently little monsters who push all our buttons and take us to the edge of sanity on occasions. I say this because I am a step parent so, if you like, understand a little by proxy.

But what about the ten commandments, I hear you say? What about the command to "honour your father and your mother"? Well, in all honesty, I do fall down here. I know I am not following this. Equally, as my mother progresses into advanced old age, she becomes more needy, but on her terms, and I am appalled and pull away. It saddens me to understand her desperate need but at the same time I am angered by her stubbornness to cling to certain attitudes and thought processes, her manipulation of those close to her. My reaction is to do the opposite that she did with her parents. I have turned the other way whereas she effectively chose her parents over her husband and children again and again.

I have much to work through. I have possibly gone too much the other way. Yes, its important to chose one's husband, to leave and cleave but God didn't say "abandon your parents!". But I find I am sometimes put into a position of choosing and, in my efforts to ensure that the mistakes of the past aren't made again, I go to extremes.

I also battle the sulking and "payback" attitude of my father. He could sulk for Britain and, if he wants to make a point, can ignore you or withhold emotionally, largely through temper. I can do this too, it's another piece of history that I battle in myself. He has also struggled with affairs and alcohol abuse. I too have suffered in both these areas.

Then there are the family feuds, the fall outs with various branches of the family and why we don't mix with that branch or talk with the other branch. I'm still not talking to one section of the family because of something that happened 14 years ago. When I think about it, I get very angry and the though of letting go and trying to reconcile makes me ill. So much for being a Christian, huh? I know that this attitude is wrong, wrong, wrong. Even this attitude is something very strong on my father's side, he and my paternal Grandmother didn't speak for many years because of a fall out!

I know that Romans has the amazing verse that we are all new creations in Christ and it is the truth. But you may have experienced the same in your life, it takes a while for the truth to take root in your heart and head, even if the spirit has taken it on! So yes, I am a new creation but I am still wearing the clothes of the old man who is struggling with generational sins and consequences of actions.

I see the consequences of actions and of attitudes handed down through families when I look at my husband, people I have known for many years, relations. We are all fighting history.

Something within me says that this fighting is not right. That surely this was dealt with at the Cross and there is no longer a need to fight it. There is another part of me that says what about the good history, good choices that were made? What about our spiritual history, what Jesus did in the past, dying on a Cross for our sins and saving us from the penalty of every sin we have ever or will ever commit? Isn't that positive history?

So I am somewhat torn at present. I need to repent of the negative feelings I have for my parents, as well as for my relatives, but also establish boundaries with them that include still honouring them as God has commanded. I'm not sure how this will work out. I'd love to end this post on a positive note and say that all will be well but its pretty messed up in my family so I will have to pray, repent, pray, repent and ask God for wisdom. I want to stop fighting the negative history and I want to start rejoicing in the good history, the good legacies that are left for me, to become a bridge builder and bring reconciliation but right now, that looks as likely as a tree that sprouts gold leaves appearing in my garden!

Humbled

A friend of mine had recommended that I watch a collection of Youtube videos of a talk by Louie Giglio called "Indescribable". She said it would appeal to me because she knows that I am facinated by the space pictures and that I frequently say that all we need for proof of God's existence is to look up and see the stars or look at nature.

So tonight I took the opportunity of watching the 5 videos.

I'm so glad I did and I highly recommend them to all. As each film progressed, I found myself looking up Nasa and Hubble's websites to view things. I listened and marvelled at the sheer size of numbers being discussed for measurement of distance. I saw myself and how small I am and just how incredibly big our God is. It puts everything into perspective very quickly.

I am in awe and also, all at once, ashamed of the times that I feel unmoved by God and His mercy or the sacrifice of His Son. This God who is so incredibly big and yet extends love towards me and thinks about me personally. I have never really grasped it (and, in fairness, I haven't totally grasped it now, I don't think we can this side of Heaven) but I got a glimpse of what an amazing gift this is, God's love for us when we are not even the tip of a pin head next to a celestial body such as the Butterfly galaxy.

So tonight, if you have clear skies, stand outside a minute, look up and see the stars. Feel how small you are and remember that God is awfully big but what's even more amazing is that the big God loves you and you are very important to Him. He even knows your name and numbers the hairs on your head. To be honest, that blows me away and its almost too much for me. But I am going to stand in the doorway of my house and look up at that sky, the moon and the stars and marvel at God for a while. 

He tells the sun, 'Don't shine,' and it doesn't; he pulls the blinds on the stars. All by himself he stretches out the heavens and strides on the waves of the sea. He designed the Big Dipper and Orion, the Pleiades and Alpha Centauri. (Job 9v2)

 "Can you catch the eye of the beautiful Pleiades sisters, or distract Orion from his hunt? Can you get Venus to look your way, or get the Great Bear and her cubs to come out and play? Do you know the first thing about the sky's constellations and how they affect things on Earth? (Job 38v 31)

Come see his hands and his feet
The scars that speak of sacrifice
Hands that flung stars into space
To cruel nails surrendered
(Graham Kendrick, Servant King lyrics)

Driving

I've just got back from an weekly exercise class. I drive there and back every Tuesday.

To be honest, I don't really think about it. I just jump in the car and go.

When class is over, I take the long route home to give me time to wind down, feel the wind in my hair because I'm usually so hot from the exertions.

On the way home tonight, as I listened to music, I heard clearly "honour God in your driving".

"What?!" I thought. No, seriously I can't have heard right, I must be imagining things. But I heard it again, quietly in my spirit, "Honour God in your driving".

Now I should explain that I love driving but I'm not the world's most patient driver. I have a tendancy to speed and lose my temper frequently with other road users. Infact, I am the epitomy of a "road rage" driver.
If I let someone out at a junction and they don't thank me, they have a tirade of abuse and sometimes, depending on the mood I'm in, some hand gestures that aren't included in the Highway Code. I'm not sure where this rage comes from but as far as I'm concerned, I get behind the wheel of a car and yes, I do own the road!!!

Now that may sounds funny but, thinking about it, how Christ-like is it?  Trust me when I say, I'm not being all super-spiritual here, this is actually hitting me in an area where it hurts. I love my assertive driving (my husband calls it aggressive!). I think I get a bit of a buzz from being out there, driving with purpose and holding my own in the traffic. No-one gets the better of me when I'm in a car.
But I re-iterate, is it Christ-like behaviour?

Obviously the answer is no. But I'm thinking how on earth am I going to change my attitude on this one?
Well, first stop is pray about it. If it is the Spirit I heard, and I believe it was, then I need to ask for God's help with this. I also need to remember I am probably not going to change overnight (it would be terrific if I could but largely God allows us to fail sometimes, I believe, so that we are put into a position of relying on His strength to see us through, thereby giving Him the glory for any changes made.
So I need to ask forgiveness regularly and not beat myself up about failings.

Why has God chosen to pick on my driving? Not entirely sure when there is a whole catalogue of things He could choose from but the fact is, this obviously is an area He wants to work on in me. I think its more my attitude rather than driving style (although I'm sure He is also keen for me to stop breaking the speed limits).

It puzzles me but maybe, in challenging me in this area, God is beginning a work that could lead to progression in other areas. I'm not really thrilled about it, if I'm honest, but I have been praying that God would change my heart so, guess what, prayer being answered me thinks!!
I'll keep you posted.

The Comfort of Fellowship, the focus on God

                                    I've just had a pretty shocking weekend. One of extremes.

My day off started well enough, with a lie in. But then other events took place and by the time I went to meet a dear friend for supper, I was upset, very angry and hurt. However, this friend, a Christian, and I enjoyed a meal and, after I'd had my vent, we went for a wonderful walk and a drive at twilight. We were listening to worship music and, after a while, found ourselves joining in. We became more and more focussed on worship so that we were just enjoying God's Presence. It was like the atmosphere just changed around us.

The following day started with a Ladies breakfast at my former spiritual home (yes, I currently have no abode but more on that another time). I was sat with people I knew and some new people. It was facinating to hear all different experiences of life from different parts of the world. The speaker, a wonderful lady, was incredibly funny and entertaining as a speaker. But she also shared quite personal moments of anguish. Her points, focusing on God, were all well made and understandable.She spoke as a woman who has truly been through the fire, and continues to in some areas. I felt incredibly uplifted by her positive message and was pleased I had gone.

Then came Saturday night. I won't go into the problems but sufficient to say that my heart was once more shattered and found myself looking at the future with uncertainty and dread. Amazingly, I slept - God is so good to us, what a gift sleep is. The hours from 7pm to 12.30 were pretty much agony. I felt like I was being tortured very slowly.

But I woke early on Sunday. Now, as I've already said, I don't normally attend church but when I got up I kept thinking about it. It was that siren call when one's heart has been trampled on. I went for a run then, once showered and changed, headed out to take photos - I love photography.

Finally I couldn't resist and I got there in time for a cup of tea before the start of the service. I seemed to bump into old home group members that I was close to. I received hugs and "hi"s (this without them being aware of my delicate mood). I confess I did cry briefly and had to excuse myself for the last part of the worship.Initially, all I could think about was the previous night, the uncertain future and how hurt I was. Its hard to worship God when you are focussed on those things. But, standing between two of these wonderful people who were so pleased to see me and had given me such a warm welcome, I realised that I was actually home. So I began to focus on the One who was behind such love and friendliness, God my Father, my compassionate Lord.

From there, I was able to get my mind off myself and my problems and onto God. The worship flowed and they had a time of prophetic sharing. Then finally the word which was challenging yet encouraging at the same time.

I was able to pray with the pastor's wife for my situation and yes, I cried again. But the assurance that I was not in this alone and to have someone pray with tenderness and compassion was so wonderful.

I have been able to focus more on God and begin to ask the important questions, what do I learn from this situation? What are You saying to me about Your Character? What are Your thoughts regarding my future?
I feel more positive at this moment and it is largely because of God.

So, whilst its taken a while to explain, the purpose of the post is firstly to say never underestimate the power of being in fellowship with other Christians when you feel that all is stacked against you. Being surrounded by love and faith can boost your own.

 Secondly, whilst it may seem difficult, try to take your eyes briefly off your difficult situation and put them on God. He does care very much. Like me, your problem may not change overnight. You could be facing a long-haul and that's hard to take. If you are anything like me, you will have times when you accept the hard time and just get on with it and other times when everything within you screams out at the injustice of it and angrily shouts at God as to why this thing is happening.
There have been times I have thought about throwing in the towel on my faith in God. The fact is though I have seen too much and know too much to be able to do this with any form of conviction. Nature itself shouts out God's existence. David and Job knew all about questioning God. David, in particular, was no stranger to hurts and asking God about His seeming inaction on his behalf.

Fact is, God never ever said that, by accepting His Son, life would be free of worries. Rather, Jesus actually said life would get harder because if the world hated Him it wouldn't take to us, by association. In addition, we are part of the human race in its fallen state. Whilst we have been saved from God's judgement by accepting the gift of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, we are still subject to all those trials that are common to man.

However, know this, God really, truly does care about you, about every tear you shed and every moment your heart feels like it will explode in grief. Hold on to Him, grip His hand tightly. But if you can't do even that, know this - Hedoes hold on to you.....firmly.