What's in your hand?

You know what it’s like. You are getting on with life, the daily hum-drum. Nothing out of the ordinary is happening and you’re plodding along. Or so you think, but actually God is manoeuvring you into a place where He can speak to you and you just don’t realise it yet (although you probably should be ready for it at any time because that’s the kind of God we worship!).


Yup, you guessed correctly, this has happened to me recently and hence my blog about it.

Due to issues in the home, I do not attend church on a regular Sunday to Sunday basis. For me, I have to take the opportunities when they come. That might be a three times in the space of a month or perhaps no visit for up for four months. So this Sunday, I understood that I had one of these prime opportunities to go to church. Fortunately, where I go, they seem to understand where I’m at in this weird “attendance” that I have.

I had a mental battle getting there though. Without going into too much detail, I can be very insecure and the moment I’d made the decision to go to church, the devil was in there, poking around my insecurities and stirring them up. I was close to not going. However, God had other plans so I found myself striding towards the door and a big smile welcomed me from the welcoming team (all those insecure thoughts went “poof”).

The teaching was based on the subject of excellence, on why Christians should seek to excel in all they do, how it is honouring to God and ensures glory goes to Him and how, be seeking to be distinguished in all areas and our gifting, the world will be drawn to God. It was a fascinating teaching and I took notes.

Then, at the end, the guy preaching began to ask questions of the congregation. He asked us to think about one particular area, one particular thing that God has placed in our lives, a gift, a calling. He asked us to think about what we are doing with it? “Are you giving it your all, are you going for excellence in that gift/calling? Have you despised it? Have you squandered it? Do you need to repent and ask God for forgiveness and a fresh impetus to go for distinction in this area?"

He asked us to stand and begin to pray out loud about it. To repent and ask forgiveness, where required, and to ask God for courage to step out in that area, for faith to grow in that area. To ask God to bless it and to make us open to grow in it so we can be excellent so that we give God the glory in it.

My immediate thought was concerning my writing. It was a really strong feeling.

Now I have to provide some background here. When I was a little girl, as soon as I could pick up a pen and write, I was writing stories, poems and letters. I began making pen pals at an early age because I loved to write. I used to tell stories to the other children in the area and they would listen and enjoy. As I grew older, my love of English Language and English Literature ensures that I did well in school at these topics. I always assumed I would be a writer.

But life has a way of distracting you and I allowed myself to be fully distracted with relationships (some good, some very bad), work, and a blistering social life. I stopped believing in my ability to write, infact I totally neglected my writing for many years. I took up the pen again, briefly, whilst I was first married and wrote poetry but, again, after further distractions and a divorce, I dropped the pen, metaphorically speaking. I also became hugely critical of everything I had ever writtent. Now proper self-examination and review is healthy but this was blistering criticism.The onslaught was viscious. I basically felt it had all been written before and in a far more eloquent manner than ever I could.

I have struggled over the years to pick the pen up again (or as it is now, open the laptop!). Even as I type today, I feel the struggle of getting the words out because of insecurity and a sense of dread of being a failure.

Back to the service. I prayed as directed by the preacher. I spoke aloud of my desire to not only write but to write something that would bring God glory. I offered him this thing I have (temptation here to call it a piddly excuse for a gift -  do you see my mind set?!) and asked that He encourage me in it, help me to learn more about it, grow in it and develop it so that I would distinguish myself in the craft and hopefully one day bring Him glory.

Well, I told a very close dear friend about it and then that was that. But God doesn’t let a message He sends get lost in the white noise of life which is why he repeats it over and over to make sure we get it.

The first reminder was on Monday when I was watching a programme on God TV, a youth conference because deep inside I still believe I'm a youngster. As the speaker was talking to the crowd of young, healthy-looking American teens, he spoke about their talents and whether they had committed them to God so that they would bring Him glory. He talked about the responsibility of the young people to seek God in their talent or calling. I felt an "oooh" moment then carried on ironing and the moment passed by.

Then Tuesday I decided to go for a brisk walk. I wanted to listen to some teaching so spent time downloading postcasts off the internet and, having got to the coastal pathway, switched on a Chris Caine podcast. It was a very interesting one where she interviewed two young women planning to do something for charity. I listened, feeling inspired and challenged. The interview came to an end and then Chris began to talk about "what is in your hand?". She said to look at what God has given us in the way of talent, gifting and how are we using it? Have we despised it or are we trying to nuture it and grow in it so that we give it to God for His glory?
This time I felt an "ahhhh" moment and it stayed. I was starting to get it and was already thinking about doing this blog post as a way of solidifying what I feel God is speaking to me about.

Now today, well it's gone bonkers, off the chart in terms of God now practically shouting at me "Hey, Caroline, clean out your ears and listen to Me. I want you to write! Have you got that?! Just do it, Write, let it flow out of you, don't fear anymore but just do it. I'll make sure you have people who can teach you, people who will provide you with constructive critisism so you can grow. Just get on and do it!.

Why do I feel He's now shouting? Well it would be one thing to have even three instances of hearing a message about talents, gifts, excellence and God's glory but four!

This morning I checked my Twitter account and noticed one of the people I follow, Jarrod Clark, had a new blog post so I thought I'd check it out. Get this..... the post is on your gift! He quotes Proverbs 18:16 which  says that “Your gift will make room for you and bring you before great men.”. Now I'm not sure about going before great men but I do nknow that this is yet another encouragement to use that seed that God planted in me as a little girl. I am passionate about reading, writing, story-telling, getting down on paper (or print or screen) the variety of human experience and emotions, descriptions of our interactions with this world and the spiritual world.

I remember, now I think about it again, the excitement and joy I felt when writing a story and sense of acheivement. It was like water bubbling up out of me and there was release with the joy. I want to feel that joy again and delight in the gift I believe God gave me. I want to use it for His glory, as He sees fit.

So I will continue with a couple of topics I started a few months back in a half-hearted way. Little writing exercises I began, I will endevour to complete. I'm going to open up the gates and let this flow again. I don't care if I make it as a published writer or not, what I care about is that I write and can share my stories and poems with people and hope that they enjoy them. I want to do the best I can and through that, give glory to our Amazing God.

What is in your hand? What did God place in your life that you used to be good at, you used to enjoy and have a passion for? Are you using it or have you given up on it? Perhaps it's time to ask God about it and see what He has to say about it.