Sunday 19 December 2010

Giving thanks in ALL circumstances



A good friend of mine, Maturing, wrote a post a short while ago about giving thanks in all circumstances and suggested that maybe we could all post on a regular occassion about things we were thankful for to ensure we keep our eyes on Jesus with gratitude in our hearts. As this dear one stated in her blog, "How easy it is to overlook the marvellous and the precious in the midst of what is happening around us."

She's absolutely right. Similarly, Sarah Markley has been hosting a 100 joys blog to get people to name their joys, even in the midst of seeming non-joy because it's easy to forget about joy when you're in the middle of stress or whatevers in daily life. I heartily recommend both ladies' blogs as worthwhile reading material. Both present challenging, real nitty gritty but ultimately encouraging posts which will build you up in your faith.

So, back to the matter in hand, what am I grateful for this evening?

  • For the lovely coal fire burning in the grate beside my sofa, keeping me warm. I know there are people out there in the cold with no home, no shelter and trying desperately to keep warm. I'm thankful I have a home, somewhere safe and warm.
  • I'm grateful for my family, that I am not alone in this world but have a sibling, both parents alive and well, a nephew and extended family too. I am grateful for them, even though we all test each other's patience from time to time.
  • I am grateful and thankful for good friends, in particular this evening I think of my good friend, Maturing, who has been such a rock to me in times past and present. She has been an encourager, a shoulder to cry on and a person to laugh and be silly with. I am so thankful that God placed her in my life all those years ago.
  • I'm thankful for the internet. Whilst there are alot of things on it that are not God-honouring or in keeping with Philippians 4:8 , there is also plenty on the internet that is encouraging, funny, uplifting. I also am able to keep in contact with loved ones and dear friends.
  • I'm grateful for my husband who works so hard to keep the lovely home we live in, ensure we have food to eat, clothes to wear, that we lack for nothing. He carries the burden of our wellbeing and all the stress of work to boot so I praise God for this man. I love him so much.
  • I'm thankful for sleep. Sleep is a gift, it not only refreshes us, gives our bodies a chance to heal, to recuperate but also acts as a way of drawing a line under a day. Sometimes we need those lines, the ability to stop and then re-start.
  • I am thankful for books. I love to read as a way of winding down, a way to get knowledge and for sheer enjoyment.
  • I am thankful that God never gives up on us, that we can show our worst side possible, act in ways that are the complete opposite of what He wants for us but, when we cry help and beg forgiveness, He is there and ready to forgive, to heal and show us grace and mercy. I am particularly thankful for that today.
So these are my items today that I am grateful to God for.
Thank you Lord for blessing me so.

"It's good to talk!"



If you are from the UK, you will recognize this as being the strap line for BT (British Telecoms) and Bob Hoskins, an famous actor, used to speak this line at the end of the televised advert.

So why am I blogging about this?

It started a few weeks back. A loved one and I just seemed to be guessing what was going on in the other's life. Because we didn't want to upset the other, we stopped talking. No, I don't mean cease all communication. I mean we stopped talking about the things that matter to us. We would talk about the news, the weather, the shopping but not about what was going on inside of us. In particular, I was worrying about a number of issues including Christmas, whether I could invite my family for Christmas Day lunch, financial worries and bills to be paid, a sweet young family member's recent trauma and, finally, relationship issues, all of which were tormenting me. I grew very distant and this made my loved one very concerned. When asked what was wrong, I would just deny anything was wrong then carry on moping around the house or the office.

So not only was I increasing the worry of this family member but I was also isolating myself and increasing my stress levels too. I was feeling increasingly swamped by these worries. Did I pray about them?
Nope, God got shut out too. When I close down, I shut everyone out, close friends, God, family, work colleagues.

Who exactly was being helped by this, by my shutting down? No-one!
No-one was benefitting from my largesse to "not burden people with my problems". Instead it seemed far better to burden them with my silence, my hangdog expression and the cloud that grew bigger over my head (yes, this is sarcasm).

Finally, after much prodding and poking and, nearly 3 weeks later, I opened up. It wasn't done in a relieved way but rather resentfully, as though people had intruded on my personal pity party which, if I'm totally honest, this had now become. I had gone from having genuine worries to allowing this to escalate into a "Oh poor me, the world hates me and it's all so unfair" fest of self-pity.

But, fortunately for me, the one listening to me understood what was going on and let me rumble on then, when I had finished, proceeded to go through my worries, one by one, addressing them with either a solution or atleast putting them into some perspective.

The following day, I felt lighter in my being, I was relieved and could actually smile again. I realised that, had I just talked to my beloved, to a friend, to God, to someone, it would have helped, not necessarily with the actual issues but to atleast talk about it and get it off my chest, so to speak. This is how women tend to process things in their lives, through conversation.

Now with men, it seems slightly different. They don't necessarily want to talk through problems, they prefer to ponder it themselves, coming up with a solution in time (I realise this could be a crass generalization but I'm going by all the chaps I've either spent time with (father, husband, stepson, work colleagues) or heard about from friends (their husbands, fathers etc etc).

But even when this is the case, when my husband worries about things, he generally stops communicating with me. This puts a strain on the relationship and I can start imagining things that aren't there because we aren't talking. When we have finally touched on what is going on with him, the air is cleared and, whilst the problem may still exist, the relationship itself is restored because there is finally understanding as to what is going on and what support can be given.

In a worst case scenario, problems can spiral out of hand when communication ceases between people, be they husbands and wives, employee and employer, friends, relatives.
Communication is essential.

It's the same with God. I think we get hung up on prayer sometimes because we think of it as "PRAYER", this lofty subject in capital letters which is breathed in hushed reverant tones and that only special people can really master. To employ a quaint English exclamation, poppycock!

Prayer is talking to God. In the same was that our conversations vary with different people and in different circumstances, there are times when we will be reverant in our conversations with God as we address His Majesty, as King and Master of the universe. But then other times we can talk stutteringly, in between sobs, as we pour out our sorrows to Daddy in Heaven. Yet other times we will speak to Him with great excitement, loudly even boisterously as we either praise Him or thank Him for Himself, for answered prayer or in praying for people or events. But, like I did recently, we can forget that God wants relationship with us and that includes all the crappy parts of our lives so stopping talking to Him because we don't want to bother Him is a bit pathetic, to be honest. He is the one Person who will never judge us, will never hold any of what we say against us and will give us His appropriate response - correction, comfort, knowledge, wisdom, boldness, encouragement, sometimes even silence when it's what we need.

This is what a relationship is. It's the hard times as well as the good times. A truly great relationship is found when you can talk about all the aspects of your life and know that the person you are sharing this with will keep it private when the topic requires it, will honour the trust you are placing in them and will try to help when they can.

I have realised that I need to talk to God more. I get very caught up in other things, some of which are equally important but can stop me from doing that one thing that I need to do above all others, communicate daily with my Father, share with Him all the aspects of my life, my sins, my worries, my happiness, everything. I want to grow in my relationship with God, I want to talk to Him more and open up to Him so He can do more in my life, share His thoughts with me and change me from the inside out. This will happen, can't help but happen, if I communicate with, talk to Him daily.

Wednesday 1 December 2010

Are you offended? Get over it!


Ok, it wasn't put in quite the way of my title but I've got to grab your attention somehow and I can be shameless in attention-grabbing headlines - look out UK nationals!

So what am I talking about? Well yesterday's post started off a subject, that of being bitter about actions of others that have impacted one's life and coming to a point of letting go, of forgiving and releasing them.

This was with reference to men, be they close relatives or previous relationships that went awry.

God decided He wanted to continue the conversation today. This happened whilst I was on the internet, of all places (probably one of the key places to get offended at something real quick!). As I was going through various blogs, church websites and the like, I began to think about people from church that, for one reason or another, I felt badly towards. Some of these people are no longer alive, some have not remained in my life, some are currently around in a position to influence me or not. But with each face that passed through my mind, I could feel rejection, upset and offence. They had hurt me in some way. As I continued to think on this, I realised that, for some of them, I wasn't even actually sure they had done something to validate my feeling of offence, merely that I suspected they thought such-and-such.

Hmmm. It's one thing to have something you can actually point to and say "they did that" but then taking it to "well they looked at me in a funny way" or "I know what they are thinking, they think I'm ...."!

And it was here that God challenged me. In light of yesterday and where God asked me to forgive, to let go of the marah waters in my heart in exchange for clean water of His Spirit (think I may have forgotten to share that yesterday!), here was another task. See, when God gets onto a topic, we address it then move on. We think we're done but God is into slow cooking. I reckon the slow cooker was His invention. He wants us to simmer on the thoughts He's placed in our minds till we see change, renewal. Sometimes He'll take us off the cooker, move us on to another stage then He'll take us back to that same topic at a later date.

Slightly off subject there, sorry! Anyway, I began to think about these Christians who may or may not have actually done something to upset me, intentionally or unintentionally. It didn't matter either way, God wanted me to release these same people in the way I'd released the men yesterday. I was to forgive for the offence, real or imagined, then repent of bitterness in my heart and then extend God's grace and freedom to those individuals. A couple are/were pastors and I felt to pray for them specifically regarding their ministries and to pray blessing and double portions on their works. Today, no tears but a feeling of doing business with God, of getting down to nitty gritty.

As with all these challenges, I know I will come up against this soon, to see whether I will remain in forgiveness or try to take back all the feelings of hurt again, let bitterness grow and have a foothold once again in my life. I will probably fluff it a few times, sometimes I will actually be able to resist. In both cases, God will be with me and will encourage me because, in His love for me, He wants me free of this.

In the writing of this post, I've just remembered yet another church authority figure whom I really need to forgive so even now, God is working.

Think about it, is there a Christian that you need to forgive, whatever the reason, real or imagined? Do you need to forgive, release them from your judgement then pray God's blessing on them?

Think carefully. I believe there is freedom for ourselves to be gained here.


Tuesday 30 November 2010

My name is not Marah.

I keep tabs on a church website where I find out what they've been preaching on. I noticed they seemed to be going through the book of Ruth. In fact, in the last month, I have noticed that the book of Ruth has come up again and again from other sources. I was reading an article which talked about the story of Ruth, then today, as I was looking at God TV's website, I noticed a "watch now" conference by Nancy Goudie, a great woman and one who's conferences for women I've attended in the past.
Guess what she was speaking on? Yup, Ruth.

After a while, you have to say "Lord, is this coincidence or are You trying to get my attention?"

Well, no question about it, today God most certainly wanted to speak to me through the book of Ruth and the topic? Well, He wanted to speak about bitterness and how it can maim us if we let it.

I decided to listen to the first part of the series on Ruth from the church website. The passage was Ruth chapter 1 v1-18.
Having read it, along with the preacher, he then spoke about how some women have been at the mercy of poor decisions made by men. As with Naomi, who's husband decided to take them into Moab.

Basics of this tale is that Elimelech ( means "God is my king") decided to move the family to Moab because of a lack of food. However, God had previously said that the Jews were to have nothing to do with the Moabites so why on earth would He tell Elimelech to move there? That's the point, God didn't. What did God have against the Moabites? Well, that nation of people were a result of an incestuous relationship between Lot and his oldest daughter and the sin was never expunged. The Moabites remained at war with the Jewish nation for most of the Old Testament.

So, back to the book, the husband takes a decision without seeking God and the result is that Naomi is finally left in a strange land, no husband, no sons and no means of support. I thought about how I would feel if I was Naomi and let me tell you, I would have been be deeply, deeply unhappy! I think I would have been pretty bitter, bitter with my now dead husband, bitter with my now dead sons who failed to move back to Judah but, instead married Moabite women and continued to dwell in Moab. I would have felt pretty aggrieved at God too, if I'm honest. After all, wasn't my husband, Elimelech, meant to be God's man, a faithful follower and the protector of my family? Think about it now.

Naomi decides, having heard that God is blessing Judah with food and crops again, its time to go back to her land. It's a risk because she still has no husband and no sons to take care of her so she is alone, an unenviable position for a woman. She fully expects her daughters-in-law to stay with their people, the Moabites, and remarry.
Initially that's not the case but Naomi tells them not to be daft and, amidst tears, Orpah leaves. Ruth, however, pleads with Naomi not to send her away but pledges to go anywhere with Ruth and adopt her Jewish roots and her God as her own. Orpah, rightly or wrongly, has turned back to the old ways of her people. Ruth elects to unite herself to an unknown future with Naomi, her mother-in-law.

It'd be very easy at this point to make an example of Orpah and say how awful she was for doing that but, faced with the same situation, would you go back to what you know, to what is safe, or would you decide to gamble it all on a future in an unknown land with an unknown God worshipped by a people  your own relatives have been at war with for ages? Think carefully now before you answer.

So what am I learning from this? It's pretty desperate for Naomi, she lost everything important to her in Moab. Things could have stayed right there, a bad place for Naomi. She could have remained bitter, she could have remained in Moab.
However, she takes a step out of it. She hears how things are in Judah, there are crops again, the favour of the Lord is there. She makes the decision not to stay where she is but to go back to Judah, to go back to where God is blessing His people. But God isn't waiting in Judah for Naomi, I believe He was right there, waiting for her to make the decision to come home and, when she does, God moves Ruth's heart in such a way that Naomi will not have to travel alone but is given a companion for the trip and for life (Ruth means friend"). God, the ever eager Father, leaps in straight away with a gift of companionship for Naomi.He is also laying the path on which His Son will arrive on earth later to free us all.

The preacher spoke eloquently on this passage and ended it with prayer for women who had been either hurt or affected by a man's poor decision or choice. He urged the ladies to forgive. It's at this point I began to cry because I realised that I have been "marah", Hebrew for bitter. I have experienced great hurt at the decisions of more than one man and have held bitterness in my heart for a long time. It's possible to love these people but to still harbour anger against them. I also realised that I still hold God responsible for those bad decisions that those men have made which affected me.

But I had a choice, like Naomi. I decided to think about where God is now. God is where He has always been, right beside me and ready to show me love, healing, forgiveness. What's more, He won't just remove the bad stuff like the bitterness but He also fills me with His grace and His joy. Who would think of feeling joy when all you've felt is pain and desolation when considering those decisions and the results? To suggest it sounds like a dismissal of the pain felt but that's not the case. Like Naomi, we all have to make a choice - will we stay where we are, where there is bitterness, lack of forgiveness, hurt and anger or will we turn back to God, extend forgiveness to those who hurt us, give up our rags of bitterness and anger and instead look to God for that friendship, that relationship that will bring us joy, even in the midst of troubles, where God will meet our needs as He sees them?

So I prayed where I was, hands raised and tears streaming down my face, sobs wracking my body as I thought of the things that I am bitter about, the decisions that have caused me pain and left me with scars and I turned it all over to God. I know there will be times I will be tempted to take them back, a fit of pique or anger, a fresh wound maybe. The reason I am writing this post is so that I can be accountable to my readers (if there are any actually) and also to my own written testimony. I have forgiven people, realising there may be more brought to mind before the day is ended, and released them to a place where God can speak to them, to pour out His mercy where I feel it's necessary, so that I also can be in a place where God can speak to me, where my bitterness will  no longer make me deaf to God's voice.

I won't say I'm bouncing up and down with joy, inane grin on my face and singing "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam". It would be great if I was but I choose to believe that God is giving me that joy and freedom and that my emotions will, at some point, come into line with the truth of what God has done and is continuing to do in my heart since I prayed those prayers.

God loves me. I am His child. He is healing me, making me whole. He has amazing plans for my life and will share those plans with me as I spend time with Him, deepening that relationship with Him and His Son, Jesus Christ. God's plan doesn't include being dominated by fear, guilt, anger, unforgiveness because of the actions of another. I am free. This is about freedom to go back to God and enjoy communion with him again.


My name is no longer Marah.

Wednesday 17 November 2010

When the chips are down, pray!


Where did anyone get the daft impression that, the minute you decide to believe that Jesus is the Son of God and you hand over the reins of control to Him, your life is going to be peachy keen without a worry in the world?

Jesus never promised that life would be easy being a believer in Him and the Father Almighty. In fact, he said the world would hate us for our beliefs. How's that for a marketing angle! Somehow Saatchi and Saatchi would never have used that tagline had they been brought in to promote Christianity as a new religion.

So having set that line of thinking out first, I feel I can now continue with my post.

It's fair to say that the month of November has brought several challenges for me. Firstly a devastating piece of family news which I referred to in my previous blog. On top of that, my husband has been stressed beyond measure with his job which has had a knock-on effect on our marriage. I also managed to damage myself during my keep-fit class which resulted in me being on crutches for a week and no exercise for the last 6 weeks. Yup, it's been pretty shocking.

It's very easy to get caught up in one's own issues but then I had email and twitter exchanges with a dear friend of mine and it turned out she too was suffering from various physical, emotional and relational issues. We compared war stories. Actually that is exactly it  - they are war stories.

Let's not forget, the devil is no admirer of people who have given God free rein in their lives so he is out to get us - big time! There's a couple of well known (and well worn) verses in 1 Peter 5 " 8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. " Now I'm not saying that every single bad thing is directly from the devil. That is crazy. Life is messy - fact! We have consequences of sin, be it selfish choices on a personal, corporate or national level.We live in a broken world so some of the difficulties we experience are just the result of living but other times, you get to realise that some things just aren't a coincidence.

As my friend and I talked, we put two and two together and the figure kept coming up as four. We pieced sequences of events together, looked at breakthroughs we'd been experiencing, noted prayers we'd made and it just fit.

So we agreed to cover each other with prayer, to pray for each other, for our husbands & marriages, for our families.

It was amazing how quickly the atmosphere changed for both of us personally. We both felt a surge of faith. No, our circumstances did not improve immediately and some of those things we discussed are still very tough. But what changed first was our faith in God, we began to encourage one another to believe that our God is for us, not against us. Our prayers became focused and no longer by rote (which, if we are honest, can happen from time to time). We began to get words and pictures for each other, words of encouragement, pictures which either encouraged or gave direction on how to pray more effectively for these events which were troubling us.

We are walking in this season at the moment. I feel so grateful that God loves me so much that, in the midst of many troubles, He would have provided me with such a friendship that I could share my heart, my sorrows and troubles, that my friend could do the same and that we would be able to stand together before Christ and petition Him for help and grace to deal with these issues.

So the point of this post is to say do not lose sight of the value of prayer with others. There is something amazing that happens when two or more people start to agree in prayer and invite God's Spirit to get involved. God loves to hear such prayers. He is a loving Father, He wants so much to be a part of our lives and for us to turn to Him when times are tough.

If you have a friend or relative who believes in God and whom you trust, if life is getting on top of you, don't be shy, let them in then agree to pray about it together. The power of praying together is amazing. Jesus even encouraged it.

Matthew 18:19

"Again, I tell you that if two on earth

agree about anything you ask for,

It will be done for you by My Father

in Heaven".

Sunday 7 November 2010

"Our God Reigns"

This post comes from the title of a popular church chorus which was also a song from the Delirious album "The Mission Bell". Previously, it wasn't one of my favourites of the amazing band who were Delirious before disbanding last November.

So, does He? Think about it, don't just get the "warm fuzzies", as a friend and I like to call it when evangelical Christians get "good" worship!

Does God really reign?

I ask this question because this has been a tough week of revelations, hard questions and hard truths. Yesterday, as a result of one of these revelations, an extended family member said that they had considered going to church. When challenged by a teen member of the family, the same person admitted that they'd like to believe in God, thought they did but, when they looked back on their life, there were events that made them think the age-old question. Can you guess what it is yet?

If there is a God, who is meant to be good, how can He let bad things happen?

Did you guess the question right? Now this family member, more than ever, has reason to ask this question. I won't go into details here but suffice to say that it involves an alleged serious criminal offense against a member of this family, of which I am an extended part, which has shattered us all.

At the same time, my other half has informed me of negotiations which may leave him in unemployment next year. We have been here before, about 4 years ago, and it nearly broke us then. The stress of the two incidents together has put strains on my beloved, in turn on my marriage which is already creaking in a disturbing way and has nearly ended a number of times in the last three years. So I too have been asking the question "Is God really good?".

I have to believe He is. "Why?" you ask. Well let me go off on a slight tangent, I got asked another question. I was sat in my car, driving around, contemplating all the bad shit that's going on in the lives of those that I love and my own. My iPod was switched to random selection when on came Delirious singing that dratted song that I'm not all that keen on. But I couldn't be bothered to move the song on so I listened instead. The words swirled around me and I felt the pain in them but, through it all, Martin Smith insisted, "Our God reigns!".  I think the last verse kinda summed things up for me. The phrase fell like hammer blows on my ears and on my heart and soul.

Let me share the lyrics with you in case you somehow were under a rock for the last 10 years!

40 million babies lost to Gods great orphanage,
It’s a modern day genocide and a modern day disgrace
If this is a human right then why aren’t we free?
The only freedom we have is in a man nailed to a tree.


100 million faces, staring at the sky,
Wondering if this HIV will ever pass us by.
The devil stole the rain and hope trickles down the plug,
But still my Chinese take away could pay for someone’s drugs.


Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.


The west has found a gun and it’s loaded with ‘unsure’
Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.
Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,
God didn’t screw up when he made you,
He’s a father who loves to parade you.


Yes he reigns, yes you reign, yes you reign,
For there is only one true God,
But we’ve lost the reins on this world,
Forgive us all, forgive us please,
As we fight for this broken world on our knees

I played the song about 5 times in a row, letting that declaration of God reigning flow over me, tears streaming down my face as I thought about what that precious family member had suffered, thinking about the anxiety that must be in the heart of my significant other. I finally concluded that if I do believe God is God, then He must be good in a way that I don't understand but is still a fact. If He is good then He must reign. I found myself singing along and declaring with the band "Yes, our God reigns. My God reigns!".

Now I know, before you start stoning me, this isn't exactly a logical argument but it was the way I was thinking. I felt either I continue believe that He is good and does reign or I may as well give up believing in Him altogether as He wouldn't be worth believing in. I know there are bible verses that state that God's ways are higher than our etc. I always thought secretly that that was a colossal cop-out. But it's as though I've been confronted once again with the fact of evil and things being unfair and God has asked, "will you still believe in Me, will you still believe I'm good, that I do have control and that I do care, even if the initial evidence seems to point to the contrary? When the chips are down, do you still believe?"

It's a tough one to face. I don't have all the answers. I can't debate my faith that well or give you a great discussion in apologetics. My mind isn't wired that way (and I feel kinda thick that I can't, if I'm honest). You could call this emotionalism and yes, there may be a tinge of it there because there are emotive things happening right now. But similarly, isn't our natural reaction when things are bad to turn away from God, unless it's impending death then suddenly the toughest amongst us suddenly get religion quickly!

 Right now, at this moment, yes, I do believe God reigns, that in order to reign, He must be good and that forever, no matter what has happened to those I love, what may happen to my beloved, what may happen to my marriage, God does indeed reign and is seated on the Throne of Heaven. I am not feeling emotional at this moment, no tears are falling and I do not have that fuzzy feeling nor do I felt hyped up. I am sitting quite calmly in my bedroom, typing out this post.

But I believe that the cherubim and seraphim are worshipping Him right now and crying "Holy, Holy, Holy".
I believe that they were doing this even as evil and awful things took place that have shattered a person's life. Perhaps, one day, I will understand the whole "Why do bad things happen to good people" but I doubt it will be whilst I draw breath.

Tomorrow, although I hope and pray its not the case,  I might think differently. I have to take this one day at a time. Does it comfort me, the fact that God reigns in the midst of evil, tough times and hardship? Yes, strangely it does. Once the tears were wiped away, I felt calm in myself and managed a smile. That is something that has been in short order during the last week. I'm praying that all my family, extended ones too, will also come to that inner calm, will find healing and will know that God is good and that He does reign. How that happens is really up to God but I'll be praying for Him to do so. If you feel you are able, perhaps you would too?

If you're feeling particularly bold, go ahead and ask yourself the question "does God reign, whatever is going on in my life?"

Click on the link for the Delirious video.  

Friday 29 October 2010

The Approval Junkie




So what's the latest? Well I think I may have started a theme here. My last post touched on me having an issue with people disliking me.

Over the last few days, my thoughts have come back to this, largely because of recent experience. I have found myself not able to meet people's expectations and, being the person I am, I have also found myself second-guessing others' expections. Needless to say, this has been in a negative light.

I have cried a number of times this week, partly upset and partly in anger and frustration. You see I am desperate to have people's approval, for them to confirm that I have worth in their eyes, that I have done well at such and such, that they are pleased with me.

This is especially prevalent in my close personal relationships. I panic that I haven't done enough. If I sense disapproval, whether imagined or real, I can tear myself to pieces mentally trying to figure out what I did wrong and how far I need to go to fix it, make it better, have them love me again. Yes, even in this, I suspect in my heart that they have stopped.

Then, at some point, there is the anger at the person. Why have they decided to withhold themselves from me? Why can't I have their love, acceptance, approval? Why am I having to jump through these hoops like a performing circus animal? Why am I having to hold them up and do everything they want? What about my needs, my wants? How would they like it if I made them go through this kind of feeling?
This particular train of thought ends up going down the childish path of "it's not fair" and a pity party for one with popped ballons and broken kazoos!

Joyce Meyer speaks of people-pleasers in an article on her website and gives an accurate description of them.
"I am talking about a pressure to perform—an unhealthy drive to be accepted and approved by others. It is a desire so strong that it influences and controls the majority of our decisions."
She later adds "There are some individuals who have spent a good part of their lives trying to please other people, and as a result, they are unhappy, bitter, resentful and depressed. How other people think and feel about them has become so important that it is like an addiction affecting every part of who they are."


This is so me!!

But I know I am not the only one who suffers from approval addiction. There are others out there, in varying degrees of panic, who suffer as I do. Do we need a shrink? A counsellor? I wouldn't rule those out for anyone, probably a good idea. But also, if we have faith in God, shouldn't we bring Him into the picture? We are Christians, after all.

Now even here, the addiction can distort the perceived relationship with Father. The addict can feel unworthy and unloved, no matter what biblical passage has been thrown their way to boost their confidence. Imagine you don't speak Greek and someone begins to tell you wonderful things but in Greek. They could be telling you that you've won the Euro Lottery but it won't do you any good unless you understand the language!

If I can be completely honest, I know with my head that God loves me. To quote an old children's song, "the bible tells me so". However, when does it go from being head knowledge to heart knowledge, to an experience of this Love? Then there is the added pressure of not relying on emotions.

Sometimes I find the faith can be a minefield and it seems like I'm trying to make sense of something that is purposefully confusing. I just want to find God. I want to stop needing the approval of others to give me worth and purpose, so that I will stop being upset or very angry with these people when I feel I have let them down.

The addict knows in their heart of hearts that they cannot always change the reaction of the person to them. There has to be acceptance that at some point people will inevitably disappoint people. There also has to be the realisation that one can't read people's minds and that what is perceived to be disappointment in an addict is actually totally unrelated and has nothing to do with them. But this is too rational for the addict. What addition can be called rational?!

So is there a cure for the approval junkie, whatever stage of addiction they happen to be in?

I believe that God can cure anything. However, He will sometimes ask us if we want to be cured. Remember blind Bartemaus in Mark? (Chap 10 v 46-52). I sense that, for my walk, this is what God will ask of me? Am I ready to do whatever He says in order to have that freedom? I know I want it but do I want it badly enough?

I have no idea how this is going to pan out.
I very much hope that I will be able to let God help me, cure me of this addiction that causes me pain, causes me to sin and adds stress to myself and to others around me. I want to be free of it. I want to be a mature Christian, looking out for the needs of others but also seeing myself as God sees me, someone He loves and who, in His eyes, has worth and value, an amazing one-of-a-kind person with a future that is good and full of hope.

I am praying that God will set me free and that, sometime in the not too distant future, I will be able to post on here that I am a recovering addict from approval and people-pleasing. Maybe, in turn, that will free me at last to witness openly and joyfully for God.

Thursday 21 October 2010

Confession of faith?


So you're a Christian, right? You are more than happy to tell people, yes? You're happy to share your faith, give your testimony, offer to pray for people?
If God tells you to speak to someone and tell them about his love, you do it, don't you?

Have you been a Christian for a year, five years, over twenty years?

Well I have called myself a Christian for over 30 years and I'm jealous of you because  you are doing something I seem incapable of.

You see, God has been challenging me of late. I keep thinking over and over about the call to testify to others about Him and yet my mouth remains closed. As I've tried to go back over why I have such a problem with sharing my faith, I've realised things about myself and they aren't that good. They are rather sad infact - a desperate need to be liked by everyone, to be whatever people require me to be so they will like me, to not rock the boat (and a profession of faith can often do that), a fear of abandonment and rejection and I am still unsure where those come from. (no I am not adopted nor are my parents divorced and I have not suffered abuse either).

But whatever my reasons, the bible clearly states that Jesus said "32"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. 33But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven." Matthew 10:32-33 (NIV).

This makes me tremble. In this time of increased loss of faith, particularly in a sole deity who says there are no other gods but Him and no other ways to Heaven accept via His Son. To acknowledge such a faith is an invitation to be derided.

But, in context, in some countries, this also means imprisonment, torture and death. Surely a few snide remarks and pink cheeks are so much better than martyrdom?!
I hear of the Chinese Christians who are treated brutally by the state and yet will willingly suffer such humiliations for their faith rather than deny God's work in their lives.

It makes me ashamed of myself. Have I faced such treatment? No! But still, on the few odd occassions when I have finally opened my mouth to quietly whisper my weedy profession of faith, I see the raised eyebrows and the questioning look as to why someone of supposed intelligence would believe in such a fairytale (in their eyes) and I squirm on the inside. I know they think less of me and I hate it. There, now you know my shame.

I have friends who openly talk about their faith, who are happy to share, when appropriate (not beating people over the head with a 10lb King James Bible) and who seem to shrug off the sneers and laughter.
So why am I this coward and why has God persisted with me when I struggle so much? Where is the boldness? I have even heard sermons preached that, if I am not bold about my faith then I must surely not be saved. I have wondered myself frequently, is this the case? But then deep down inside me, I do sense the confirmation, "You are mine!".

I am still discussing this with God. It's not a pleasant conversation. I am squirming again but this time its as I look at the blood-stained face of a man, beaten beyond recognition but wearing a crown of thorns and He still looks at me with his one good eye (the other closed up) and whispers from his ruined mouth "I love you, you are mine. I bought you for a price, my blood". How can I deny this man my allegiance to all and sundry. Why aren't I shouting my faith from the rooftops? Why am I such a coward? Suddenly, I am very conscious of Judas and I have an inkling of sympathy. He betrayed his lord with a kiss. I am betraying my lord with closed mouth and fearful eyes lest someone should mock me with laughter and cruel words. It is pitiful really.

Against the agony Christ experienced from the Garden of Gethsemane to the Cross where he breathed his last, my worries and fears are as nothing.  Against the torture and threat of death some Christians face, my concerns are miserable. Yet still my fears and anxieties close my mouth as firmly as if an iron gate had been placed infront of them.

Am I alone in this? Do others suffer such worries? Moreover, when am I ever to be set free from them so I can testify openly and happily to God's amazing love and goodness to mankind and, specifically, to me?

I need release. I need to speak out my belief in God and in his Son, Jesus Christ, that He died for my sins and that without him, I am lost. I need to bow the need and confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.

I'm praying God would change my heart, help me to lose my fear, to be given that boldness that the early church had when baptised with fire in the Upper room. I'm praying that God would enable me to get beyond my fear of people disliking me, teasing me, ridiculing me and help me to make my declaration of faith knowing that He is smiling on me.

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death." Romans 12:11

Sunday 10 October 2010

If you pray it, live it!

So God presented me with another challenge recently. I have been praying about certain family members, certain situations.

For one family member, I have had a problem with this person for about a year now due to a letter sent which criticised me and I found very hurtful. I am not good at letting things go or forgiving. I tend to hold on to the hurt or, having forgiven, then go ahead and take up the resentment again. Not exactly a Christian attitude. Increasingly I have felt antagonistic towards this person but felt the challenge to pray for this person. So I have done but it's been through gritted teeth, if I'm honest.

Another family member I have been praying for their salvation, their freedom from an addiction (which they don't recognise as an addiction) and my relationship with them. In particular this person has such an affect on my life, more than they could possibly realise.

Well this second person and I have been getting on fabulously of late and I have been so chuffed. Then, yesterday, things went pear-shaped. Things were said and this morning, I found myself getting angry, annoyed and taking my typical route of re-hashing in my mind an array of actions or words which have hurt me. I could feel myself getting very worked up, very "it's not fair" and poking out my bottom lip like a 4yr old!

Only the night before I had been praying for this person and asking God to bless them, I prayed forgiveness over them and asked God to give me love and patience towards them. Now here I was and already doing my usual getting worked up about them and forgetting my prayers.

It was right at this point I felt God say to me "are you going to keep praying for him and others then just act in the opposite of what you have just asked Me for?" Well, it made me pause then feel rather guilty. It was a very valid point. Would you ask someone to help you with a problem then, having done that, start acting in a way which would then actually make the problem worse rather than better? Of course not! How stupid and pointless would that be!

This is no different. I felt the challenge from God to be that, if I'm going to pray for people about issues which directly impact me then I need to live out my part, take that necessary action to become part of the answer to my prayer and give God room to work.

It's the same with my parents who are now elderly. My mother can be trying sometimes as, in her aging, her memory and also her wisdom in saying certain things falters. Some things can be hurtful but, as I pray, I have to remember not to get wound up by actions or words and to remember to love, honour and obey them both.

So the lesson and challenge for me at this time is if I want God to work in a person's life and they have a relationship with me I must remember to show God's love to them time and again whether through forgiveness, patience, not taking offence at everything or getting annoyed with them for every small infraction. I must be gracious to them because God has shown me grace and boy how I need his grace today and every day.

Help me in this God, I certainly can't do this in my own strength as I prove on a daily basis!

Wednesday 25 August 2010

What's in your hand?


You know what it’s like. You are getting on with life, the daily hum-drum. Nothing out of the ordinary is happening and you’re plodding along. Or so you think, but actually God is manoeuvring you into a place where He can speak to you and you just don’t realise it yet (although you probably should be ready for it at any time because that’s the kind of God we worship!).


Yup, you guessed correctly, this has happened to me recently and hence my blog about it.

Due to issues in the home, I do not attend church on a regular Sunday to Sunday basis. For me, I have to take the opportunities when they come. That might be a three times in the space of a month or perhaps no visit for up for four months. So this Sunday, I understood that I had one of these prime opportunities to go to church. Fortunately, where I go, they seem to understand where I’m at in this weird “attendance” that I have.

I had a mental battle getting there though. Without going into too much detail, I can be very insecure and the moment I’d made the decision to go to church, the devil was in there, poking around my insecurities and stirring them up. I was close to not going. However, God had other plans so I found myself striding towards the door and a big smile welcomed me from the welcoming team (all those insecure thoughts went “poof”).

The teaching was based on the subject of excellence, on why Christians should seek to excel in all they do, how it is honouring to God and ensures glory goes to Him and how, be seeking to be distinguished in all areas and our gifting, the world will be drawn to God. It was a fascinating teaching and I took notes.

Then, at the end, the guy preaching began to ask questions of the congregation. He asked us to think about one particular area, one particular thing that God has placed in our lives, a gift, a calling. He asked us to think about what we are doing with it? “Are you giving it your all, are you going for excellence in that gift/calling? Have you despised it? Have you squandered it? Do you need to repent and ask God for forgiveness and a fresh impetus to go for distinction in this area?"

He asked us to stand and begin to pray out loud about it. To repent and ask forgiveness, where required, and to ask God for courage to step out in that area, for faith to grow in that area. To ask God to bless it and to make us open to grow in it so we can be excellent so that we give God the glory in it.

My immediate thought was concerning my writing. It was a really strong feeling.

Now I have to provide some background here. When I was a little girl, as soon as I could pick up a pen and write, I was writing stories, poems and letters. I began making pen pals at an early age because I loved to write. I used to tell stories to the other children in the area and they would listen and enjoy. As I grew older, my love of English Language and English Literature ensures that I did well in school at these topics. I always assumed I would be a writer.

But life has a way of distracting you and I allowed myself to be fully distracted with relationships (some good, some very bad), work, and a blistering social life. I stopped believing in my ability to write, infact I totally neglected my writing for many years. I took up the pen again, briefly, whilst I was first married and wrote poetry but, again, after further distractions and a divorce, I dropped the pen, metaphorically speaking. I also became hugely critical of everything I had ever writtent. Now proper self-examination and review is healthy but this was blistering criticism.The onslaught was viscious. I basically felt it had all been written before and in a far more eloquent manner than ever I could.

I have struggled over the years to pick the pen up again (or as it is now, open the laptop!). Even as I type today, I feel the struggle of getting the words out because of insecurity and a sense of dread of being a failure.

Back to the service. I prayed as directed by the preacher. I spoke aloud of my desire to not only write but to write something that would bring God glory. I offered him this thing I have (temptation here to call it a piddly excuse for a gift -  do you see my mind set?!) and asked that He encourage me in it, help me to learn more about it, grow in it and develop it so that I would distinguish myself in the craft and hopefully one day bring Him glory.

Well, I told a very close dear friend about it and then that was that. But God doesn’t let a message He sends get lost in the white noise of life which is why he repeats it over and over to make sure we get it.

The first reminder was on Monday when I was watching a programme on God TV, a youth conference because deep inside I still believe I'm a youngster. As the speaker was talking to the crowd of young, healthy-looking American teens, he spoke about their talents and whether they had committed them to God so that they would bring Him glory. He talked about the responsibility of the young people to seek God in their talent or calling. I felt an "oooh" moment then carried on ironing and the moment passed by.

Then Tuesday I decided to go for a brisk walk. I wanted to listen to some teaching so spent time downloading postcasts off the internet and, having got to the coastal pathway, switched on a Chris Caine podcast. It was a very interesting one where she interviewed two young women planning to do something for charity. I listened, feeling inspired and challenged. The interview came to an end and then Chris began to talk about "what is in your hand?". She said to look at what God has given us in the way of talent, gifting and how are we using it? Have we despised it or are we trying to nuture it and grow in it so that we give it to God for His glory?
This time I felt an "ahhhh" moment and it stayed. I was starting to get it and was already thinking about doing this blog post as a way of solidifying what I feel God is speaking to me about.

Now today, well it's gone bonkers, off the chart in terms of God now practically shouting at me "Hey, Caroline, clean out your ears and listen to Me. I want you to write! Have you got that?! Just do it, Write, let it flow out of you, don't fear anymore but just do it. I'll make sure you have people who can teach you, people who will provide you with constructive critisism so you can grow. Just get on and do it!.

Why do I feel He's now shouting? Well it would be one thing to have even three instances of hearing a message about talents, gifts, excellence and God's glory but four!

This morning I checked my Twitter account and noticed one of the people I follow, Jarrod Clark, had a new blog post so I thought I'd check it out. Get this..... the post is on your gift! He quotes Proverbs 18:16 which  says that “Your gift will make room for you and bring you before great men.”. Now I'm not sure about going before great men but I do nknow that this is yet another encouragement to use that seed that God planted in me as a little girl. I am passionate about reading, writing, story-telling, getting down on paper (or print or screen) the variety of human experience and emotions, descriptions of our interactions with this world and the spiritual world.

I remember, now I think about it again, the excitement and joy I felt when writing a story and sense of acheivement. It was like water bubbling up out of me and there was release with the joy. I want to feel that joy again and delight in the gift I believe God gave me. I want to use it for His glory, as He sees fit.

So I will continue with a couple of topics I started a few months back in a half-hearted way. Little writing exercises I began, I will endevour to complete. I'm going to open up the gates and let this flow again. I don't care if I make it as a published writer or not, what I care about is that I write and can share my stories and poems with people and hope that they enjoy them. I want to do the best I can and through that, give glory to our Amazing God.

What is in your hand? What did God place in your life that you used to be good at, you used to enjoy and have a passion for? Are you using it or have you given up on it? Perhaps it's time to ask God about it and see what He has to say about it.

Sunday 8 August 2010

Transformers (not the movie!)



Do you ever get frustrated with yourself? Be honest, do you?
I do. I am. Frequently!


If we continue being honest, we all tend to see ourselves in a certain light. I like to think I am this youthful, vibrant, creative woman who is liked by all, is loving, kind and forgiving, gracious, has no hang-ups and is pretty well-adjusted. Then I wake up and remember that this isn't actually who I am at all.


I'm a pretty messed up puppy really. I have huge insecurities, I spend quite a bit of my time every day being angry about something or with someone, I can be mean, gossipy, cruel, and there certainly isn't much graciousness displayed in my life.


When I became a Christian, many years ago (when dinosaurs ruled the earth), it was more or less intimated to me that my life, me, would change and suddenly I would become this amazing person, transformed into the likeness of Jesus. I would forgive, I would be gracious to others, I would be kind and loving, eschuing gossip and being helpful and encouraging instead. I would, as a matter of course, because of the radical change in my life, witness all the time, bring many to know this Jesus that I had myself just met. Life was never going to be the same, it would be a million times better.


You know something? That transformation didn't take place. How disappointed was I! This was meant to happen naturally, I'd barely be aware of it. But it never came. That's because I was misled and also because I didn't listen when later on others tried to correct this faulty thinking. Don't get me wrong, I am still incredibly grateful to the church that saw me finally come into a relationship with God. They saw my through my dreadful teenage years and my early twenties. They stood by me and I experienced God during that time in a positive and passionate way. But I always felt somewhat cheated and that feeling remains.


I've been listened to podcasts from Bill Johnson of Bethel Church, based in Redding, California. He did a series called Transformed and I began to listen to one today. He took the passage from Romans - Chapter 12 verse 2

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

A friend of mine attended a Discipleship Training School with Youth With a Mission years ago. I remember very clearly, when she came home at the end of it, sharing with me the teaching she had received on this course and this particular verse and the teaching that went with it impacted her very strongly. I think it does to this day as she continues to grow in her amazing faith. She has truly modelled to me what it means to be "transformed by the renewing" of her mind.


So I guess my beef is, why aren't I being transformed? Why, in my 31 years of being a Christian (is it really that long?), have I not seen the changes, been aware of God renewing me from the inside out?
To go back to Bill Johnson, the bit that leapt out at me of this particular teaching was this - "I feel that God is saying "I want my ways to overide your ways. I want my thoughts to overide your thoughts,I'm going to overwhelm you with goodness until you are conformed.""


I happened to be walking from the shops when I heard this and I wanted to drop the carrier bags of food and stick my hands up in the air shouting "Yes, Lord, please will you just hurry up and do this already. I've been waiting for so long". I could feel the exasperation in my heart and mind. Bill made a good point when he said that a number of people listening to this particular sermon would be challenged on wrong thinking regarding transformation and the renewing of the mind. I think he's right. I am being challenged because I know that God expects me to do my part. For some people, God is gracious and He enables them to stop taking drugs straight away, stop swearing straight away or other things that affect them. Overnight these people become changed people and they have amazing testimonies of how God has radically affected them for good. They are not the "norm" or so it would seem.


The "norm" tends to be the rest of us who plod along and God gives us opportunities to say yes to His way of thinking rather than what is considered to be standard for our day and age.
In all honesty, I tend to either be blind to these "opportunities" or alternatively I ignore them or walk the other way. I'm not good at forgiving people. I hold grudges.  I'm not good at testimonies, I hide my beliefs because I know they aren't popular and I want people to like me. I'm a people-pleaser.


Know what? I don't want to continue like this. Why? Because being a Christian has actually brought more stress into my life rather than less. My flesh constantly fights against what I know to be God's ways. Paul even addresses this in the New Testament, one of his Epistles. Romans 7 v 15 says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."  He adds "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." V 18-19. All this striving is causing me to lose any joy I ever had in the Christian faith and my relationship with God.


So what is the answer? How do I become transformed? Well the sad news is it requires effort on my part. I need to make the choice to take the right way when presented with the option. Jesus did the hard work, He saved my sorry arse when He hung on the Cross and died for my sins. He rescued me from death when I said that I would give my life to Him and acknowledge Him as King. What He is asking me to do is simply to say "I choose Your way" then go do it. I say "Simply" but really there is nothing simple about it at all. I find it very hard. Does that mean I am not a Christian? I don't think so otherwise Paul wouldn't have been one either!!!


There isn't a conclusion to this post really. I know what I have to do. It just seems so hard and I fail so often. I really want God to, as Bill said, overwhelm me with His goodness. I want His thoughts to overwhelm my thoughts and His ways overwhelm my ways. I'm frustrated with myself because I am still going round in circles, chasing my tail. I'm still choosing poorly and I seem to be no further on in my walk than I was 30 years ago. I'm still very much a "baby" in the Lord.


I really want God to break out in my life in the radical way I hoped He would when I was a new born-again believer. So I'm praying that God will answer this heart's cry of mine and help me. I do believe in God, I do believe He can change people's lives. For some reason, it seems I have a problem believing He can make any change in mine. That's just plain sad! Tranform me God, transform me into who You called me to be. I know I'm Your child but I just don't seem to act like it.

Sunday 25 July 2010

Feel?





Hopefully most people are aware of a singer called Robbie Williams who hails from the UK.  He used to be part of a group called Take That (and I understand has now joined them again).

He and his then producer, Guy Chambers, wrote a song called "Feel". It was one of his few truly international hits, the other being "Angels".

Have you ever read the words? Thought about them? How come this song did so very well, with its rather downbeat lyrics? He'd had plenty other bouncy, more upbeat songs. What was it about this one that touched people?

I have a theory. Yes, it's only a theory, my own opinion that you may not agree with. This was brought back to me very recently as a person close to me listened to the song, sang along and began to cry because, they said the words said how they felt exactly.

This is why I think this song did so well, it touched a chord in many people.
Here's an excerpt:

"I just wanna feel real love, feel the home that I live in
Cos I got too much life running through my veins,
Going to waste.

I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either,
Before I fall in love, I'm preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death, that's why I keep on running
Before I've arrived, I can see myself coming"
Copyright R Williams/G Chambers

You can read all the lyrics by following this link.

What I'm getting at is that, increasingly, it seems that large numbers of people feel disconnected from their life, a sense of not being all or acheiving all they could be and do.
Bearing in mind the times we live in and how, in the Western world, the marjority have a disposable income, have a home, family and extra leisure time, why are so many of us feeling disatisfied with our lives, as though we have been short-changed somehow?

I speak to many people and hear a similar thread running through conversations of any depth. It comes back to feeling that there is more in life and it hasn't been attained yet. 

Supposedly, thanks to computers and modern conveniences, we now have more time on our hands, more time outside the office/factory/place of work where we can develop our skills, begin to fulfil our dreams but so few actually do. In fairness, it seems that more people are having to work longer hours and in Europe, the UK workforce seem to work the longest hours of all the countries.

So why is this? Well this will sound trite but I believe that our priorities in life are somewhat skewed.
That's not to say that life isn't hard, that bad things don't happen and that people, all of us, will from time to time feel a little down, that's just part of the human experience.
But this disatisfaction is because we all believed the lie that if we had more, the latest gadget, more money, that mobile phone, this car etc that life would suddenly attain meaning. We would be experiencing life at its finest and we would understand our purpose in life.  We would be fulfilled. Consumerism has failed us all. It didn't deliver. The excesses we embarked on left us dry and without hope.

Robbie sings "there's a hole in my soul, you can see it in my face, its a real big place". I believe it's the "God-shaped hole", although this has been so over-used now that even as I type I cringe. Do I mean that life will suddenly become this amazing thing and nothing bad will ever happen? No, I make no such claim. I believe in God and still get down, depressed, wonder about meaning in life etc. But that is not God's fault. It's actually mine because these feelings of helplessness and hopelessness usually come when I've either not done what I should do, done something I shouldn't have or have been affected by someone's doing or not doing either of those things. It calls in to question why I'm here and if I allow those feelings and thoughts to continue, down the road of sadness and listlessness I go.

The Westminster Catchechism states that "Man's chief end is to worship God and to enjoy Him forever".
If we aren't living this then we aren't fulfilling our purpose on this earth. If you are anything like me, when I first heard that, my initial reaction was "Oh great, time spent singing in a choir with my harp for the rest of eternity, going to endless church services and being totally and utterly boring. Where is the fun in any of this?"

But think of all the things that make us swell inside with joy, happiness or laughter. Breathtaking scenery can burn the heart with it's beauty. Who made that scenery? God.
What about enjoying the company of children who are laughing and playing, being funny? God created makind in the first instance, we are His idea.
How about music that makes us light-hearted, uplifted (any taste, rock, classical, jazz to name a few)? God blessed man with the creativity to make music, write plays, stories and poems, to paint, draw and mold, chisel, weld.

So when we do what God created us to do, we can find fulfilment. Will we still be affected by news of wars, famines, violence, greed? Yes, of course. We are a reflection of God's own heart. Because mankind chose to go his own way, what goes on in the world is not God's fault as so many of us will claim from time to time. That is such an easy answer and means we have yet another reason for not believing in Him and thereby obeying Him.  No, it's actually because somewhere down the line, the individual has decided to be selfish with what he's been given, whether it's talent, money, abilities and the result, when more individuals do this is war, violence, greed etc which means others suffer.

What has this to do with me, with others, including this person who cried listening to Robbie's song?

We feel the pain that all is not well with the world, we have lost the true sense of ourselves and who we really are, who we are called to be. Hence the pain when someone articulates it as beautifully as Robbie and Guy did. Our soul cries out and says "Yes, this is me. I know exactly what they mean. I have that hole in my soul. I'm not a whole person, something (Someone) is missing and the pain is awful".

The fact of the matter is God knows about that pain in the soul, He also sees the hole and He knows why it's there. He wants to fill it. He wants to give meaning to life. He has a purpose for each and every one of us. Fact is we will never be truly happy unless we find it and that means firstly acknowledging that God exists, that He is our Creator. It then means agreeing with Him that we are made for His pleasure and to have relationship with Him. From that base, everything else can flow. It will be a steep learning curve but we can do it. He will help us.

Am I there yet? Am I fulfilling my purpose in life? No, I don't think so, not yet so I speak as one who continues to have that hole. God is there but He will only fill the hole with Himself with as much as we will let Him. I continue to hesitate, prevaricate. Why? Well God and I are still discussing that one. But I do know He is the answer. I'm just haggling over the question!

Tuesday 20 July 2010

A word in season

Hi Blog world,

To the two people who read this blog and know me well (hahaha), I say a cheery hi. In fairness, I actually don't have a problem that no-one really reads this, I think I have maintained before that I find writing things out cathartic.

Anyway I have a few things buzzing around to be posted in due course but I thought I'd post them in chronological order.

As you may recall from previous posts, I have a few battles going on, not least of which is the ongoing battle with my weight and self-esteem as a result of fighting the battle of the bulge.

One tends to think that, in the scheme of things, is God really fussed about weight, relationship issues, family squabbles and such? I fluctuate between the secular view that, if He does exist, why on earth would He when there are starving people in Africa and wars in Afghanistan and the evangelical view that God cares about each and every worry we have because we are His children.

So swing back to two weeks ago, roughly. It's the middle of the week, I've weighed myself and done my weekly measurements and found that, inspite of a new nutrition routine and attending a bootcamp where a fitness instructor screams at a crowd of us who stupidly pay for the priviledge, I've not lost any inches and am still the same weight that I was 4 weeks ago.
To boot, I'm having home problems as my other half and I circle each other and manage to inflict short sharp stings of comments designed to really hurt. Work isn't much cop either. In all, it's not a happy "hump" day (for those of you who don't know what "Hump" day is, its the middle of the week - Wednesday. Hump meaning that you have crested the hill of that week and heading to the weekend - yes, I know, wishing life away etc.)

Well, I haven't frequented a popular prophetic website in a while, partly because I've found it has put some pretty flaky articles in of late so was wary. However, I happen to flick through and read a particular one and I can truly say, God was speaking to me. It was so clear and what's more, He was using a theme he had been speaking to me about with both friends and personally.

The key part that jumped out was this:"I know the pain you are going through, I know the stress, the worry, the sicknesses, the disease; the burdens, the doubts, the unbelief, and I am more than able to be your Burden-Bearer. But how can I bear your burdens if you do not come unto Me? Have I not said in My Word, 'Cast your cares upon Me'? Cast your cares from a place of worship, draw from My presence, pour out into My presence; for as you plant in worship, you will reap in answers. "

No I am not sick (apart from in the head possibly) but yes, I have doubts and unbelief and I certainly have stress and worry. So what a comfort to know that God, my Father, cares about this but can only help if I go directly to Him rather than fretting over it. In fairness, I shouldn't need an item from a website to remind me of this. God spoke of this in the bible many times, of how much He cares for us and Jesus also spoke of Father's concern and knowledge of His children. (Matthew 6:26).

But hand in hand with this theme of concern rises, yet again, this call to maturity. There is mention in this word of the call to praise God in whatever circumstances and regardless of whether prayers get answered as we see fit or not, or indeed, answered at all. There is a call to stand in faith, regardless of everything else because ultimately God is worthy.

So my lesson was, and still is, to make sure that I turn every worry and concern over to God. Talk to Him about them and listen for His thoughts on the issues I have. Equally I need to continue to stand in faith and obedience and offer praise whatever is going on in my life.

I, as well as others, have found that, when God has something He wants to get through to you, He'll bring it up time and time again. Best to start listening!

The rest of this word can be found by following this link.

Thursday 8 July 2010

Poem - Stand

I've been pondering this theme of spiritual maturity and our attitudes and the key word I hear over and over is to "stand". So I looked up this verse. Now this verse talks about arming yourself so that you are ready for anything the devil flings at you. But I also see it as being prepared for whatever life thows your way too. I don't give the devil credit for every mishap that goes on in life. He's just not that powerful!

Life can present it's own little bumps along the road without any help, it's just the way of things. But our mature faith can still serve us well in these situations.

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." Ephesians 6:13

This is a poem I wrote about it.

Stand


When you feel misunderstood
Stand straight
When lies are told about you
Stand straight
When you feel a failure
Stand straight
When you’re judged unfairly
Stand straight

When you are angry
Stand corrected
When you’ve cheated
Stand corrected
When you behaved badly
Stand corrected
When you’ve hated
Stand corrected

After you’ve forgotten God
Stand again
After you have a sulk
Stand again
After you’re selfish
Stand again
After you’ve sinned
Stand again

When the key goes missing
Stand up
When the car breaks down
Stand up
If the roof springs a leak
Stand up
If the bus comes early
Stand up

When you hear God’s voice
Stand still
When you talk too much
Stand still
If they need your shoulder
Stand still
When the sunset is blazing
Stand still

When you want to give up
Stand firm
When it doesn’t change
Stand firm
When you can’t feel Him
Stand firm
When all else fails
Stand firm

Spiritual maturity - a tough assignment

It's been a while since my last post. Much has happened. Some good, some bad. It's life as we know it. You can't expect life to play fairly all the time. Life is consistently inconsistent.

Happily there is One who is consistent and we can rely on. God, His Son Jesus Christ and His Spirit! The Trinity, the three Persons who are one (a mystery if ever there was)!
He remains the same always, whatever is happening in the world, in our life, at work, at home, in our relationships, in our bodies and minds. Whatever is going on, God is always the same and He never changes.

Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."

Okay, so those of you who are Christians will say, "Nice one, way to state the flippin' obvious!".
Those who aren't probably have a number of arguments, questions or issues with that verse and previous statement.

I'm not going to address those here. All I can do is make you aware of discussions I've been a part of, the thoughts and struggles I've had and what I believe God is saying to me. I also believe He says this to all believers. I know there are others out there who grasped this some time ago so go make a coffee or something, flip to another blog because I don't wish to bore you rigid.

Somewhere along the line, the Christian faith was promoted as "come to Jesus and you'll never have another trouble in your life". It's the biggest pile of horsesh*t you are ever likely to hear and please disregard it if you do. It's an outright lie. Jesus never gave sermons on the Mount, or anywhere else for that matter, where He stated that belief in Him and His Father meant an easy life. If anything, He said the opposite!

Matthew 10:22 "all men will hate you because of Me..." Now does that sounds like life will really just become this carefree ride till death and Heaven?

But we somehow struggle with the "it's not fair" child syndrome, even in faith, even when we're cracking on in years and life on this planet should have taught us a few lessons about fairness, or the lack of it.

If I'm honest, there are still times now when I will say to my husband or even a friend the wonderful line of "It's not fair!".

If you've reached adulthood, I'm sure at sometime you have either had the conversation with a child about the concept of fair and unfair or have witnessed such a conversation and, with your life experience to date, you've smiled because you know that child will eventually learn that fair wasn't actually anything to do with that particular query. You know that they will experience, as you have, another person getting the job they felt they should have had, being passed over for promotion again, that that particular person didn't feel the same way they had felt about them and other such examples of "life's unfair".

So how come, when it comes to matters of faith, we can find it so hard to grow up in that regard? Trust me, I am a child when it comes to my faith and not in the heartwarming way that the Bible speaks of when it calls us children of God. I mean the full monty of childish pouting and posturing, "throwing teddy out of the pram"kind of child in respect of faith matters.

A case in point. I have been praying for many years about a situation that has caused me much heartache. This situation is one for which I take responsibility and sadly has steadily got worse with time rather than better. I can't tell you how many tears I've cried over this, how many times I've wished I were dead, wished all kinds of bad things, how my heart has been broken over and over again. I've repented, I've offered forgiveness, I've tried to make amends. I've prayed for strength, for a change of heart for me, for others.

I've begged, pleaded and basically tried to bribe God into giving me what I want, what I believe is the answer to this problem that I managed to set in motion. I've got angry with Him, shouted at Him for His seeming unwillingness to help me. I've even turned my back on Him when I felt that He was ignoring me. I've railed at the lack of an answer, just silence from Him.
Not exactly a testimony to a great faith, is it? But I'm telling it like it is.

So where does maturity come into this, you ask.

Well, think back to the verse at the beginning which states that Jesus is always the same. Jesus said when we saw Him, we saw the Father. So if Jesus is always the same, so is God. What's God like then?

" The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness" Exodus 34:6

" Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord, Jesus Christ, the Father of Compassion and the God of all Comfort" 2 Cor 1:3
(note here, if everything was meant to be hunky dory after faith, why would God need to be the God of comfort and have compassion?)

"For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations" Ps 100:5

So this is our God. This is just the tip of who He is and the ultimate act of His love for us was this...

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Rom 5:8
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16

Now we have a measure of the God who created us and died for us, who loves us. All clear so far? Stay with me, we're getting there.

We have a starting point of who God is, what He's like. Key things to remember here are that He is good, loves us, died for us and that He never changes. See the above verses.

And so to maturity. I have a friend who is going through a tough time. It has caused her much heartache, sorrow and anger and she is by no means out of the woods. In fact, recently, it has seemed as though the darkness has got that much deeper. As we spoke about the difficulties she is facing, we've spoken about faith, about praying for change and believing that God is with us in the midst of our troubles. This incredible woman told me recently that it comes back to believing God is who He says He is, believing His Word, the Bible and not going by our feelings. Like me, she has often felt abandoned because she has no sense of God's Presence but ( can you feel the but) she chooses to believe in God's Word over her feelings. Why? Because that, my friends, is spiritual maturity.

Oh that isn't why she's doing it. My friend hasn't decided that life is sh*tty so "I'll just use this opportunity for some spiritual growing up!". No, it's grim detemination to hold on to God because He is for her in a way that no other person can be. That maturity however will be the result of her determination to believe God and that transient feelings aren't to be believed. Sometimes, and I don't pretend to fully understand it, God asks us to walk in the dark and continue to believe Him, even as we feel His hand slip from our grap. The fact is our feelings are lying. God still has our hand firmly held in His.

The Bible says we are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Rom 12:2). The act of transforming is the gaining of spiritual maturity. It's not necessarily a pleasurable experience but it will serve us in the end as we view God with a clearer understanding rather than the childlike surmise that He is unfair, unloving and unresponsive.

Still more recently, I had the joy of spending time with a friend who has been living the other side of the world for over 10 years and had made an unexpected visit. During our conversation we touched on her recent experiences in her daily faith walk and, surprise - surprise, she feels God is encouraging her to grow in spiritual maturity. For the second time, I was presented with the experiences of a person whom I greatly admire who was struggling with issues which have thrown up a number of extra concerns and cares. Again, prayer has been involved but also conversations, experiences which have all pointed her to the conclusion of the need for a mature faith to deal with these problems. "Keeping short accounts" is part of this walk that she is currently on. As this dear lady pointed out to me, whilst it's great to have encounters with God, see things in the heavenly realms and get words, pictures etc, what will change the world more than anything will be love and a solid faith that weathers all storms. That's what people will notice in the long haul over the more obvious razzamatazz of faith.

So what about me? Where am I in this discussion? I've thought about the temptations, the deep flaws in my character, the battles I have with my emotions, the struggles with recurring sins. I go back to my, as yet, unchanged situation. I've shed more tears recently, stormed and raged, been in despair. I've asked for and received prayer support and encouragement from these two amazing women and, in both instances, I have felt God pointing me towards the need for maturity in Him. To not believe my feelings of hopelessness but to persist in prayer, to not give up when the fickle infant in me wishes to "not play" anymore. That there is more to my experience than just this issue. God is aware of my needs and maybe, right now, whilst I may not like it and may not see it, perhaps my most pressing need is not the one I think it is. God is all-knowing, He sees exactly what I need, the need He has placed at the top of His agenda and how best to address that particular need.

So I'm going to concentrate on God, on who He is. I'm going to look at His character and attributes rather than focus on me and my issues. I won't always be successful. I suspect I will forget frequently but I want to persist. I know that God will honour my efforts if I do this with a willing and open heart. Nothing in this world is as important as knowing who God is, NOTHING!

I want to let God change me from the inside out, develop me into what He has called me to be. It's time to put the milk bottle down and start tackling solids.

It's time to grow up.