Button-pushing, Strongholds and Love



Ever had a time when some of your biggest fears seem to be prodded almost daily? Ever been confronted with an aspect of your character that you didn't like, swear to change it then find that daily, you fall down in that particular area?

If you're human then, at some point in your life, you will have experienced one or both of these cirumstances.
Why do these things happen, especially if you're trying so hard to overcome that fear, making every effort to knock that bad attitude on the head? It can wear a body down and, if you're not careful, you can find yourself just saying "oh well, it's me. I can't change. It's just too hard. You can even feel like stamping your feet and saying "it's not fair!". Go on, be honest now.

 One of my great fears is rejection. I feel sick when I think people don't like me and, as I've touched on in previous posts, I'm a bit of a people-pleaser. Common sense tells me this is from my own insecurities but knowing that doesn't actually change anything. In the last seven days, I've come up against real and perceived rejection. It's hurt and angered me.

These experiences have caused me to now confront something unpleasant in my character.It's the old "tit for tat" attitude. If you hurt me by rejecting me then I'm going to behave this way (withdraw from you emotionally and sometimes physically or go on the attack and either be upfront rude or mutter under my breath or to others). I agree, it's pretty infantile behaviour really and not how a supposedly mature Christian should act. I should add here that "mature" is said tongue-in-cheek. I may have been a Christian for 30+ years but I act as though I have all the understanding of a newborn (I actually think most newborns are ahead of me really).

I've been pondering this, inbetween my mood swings of sadness at the rejection then anger at the "perpetrators", and have had some thoughts in the following order :

1. Early in the week and even up to this morning - It's the devil's fault. He knows I want to press on in God this year. He knows I want to see radical change in my life so he's chosen one of my key areas and decided to start punching that button, all the while laughing at my lack of faith whilst I boo-hoo to myself about being rejected. He must be chuckling away as I do some of his job for him in ignoring some people, whispering about people (me, who hates gossip, supposedly!). So I've thought about spiritual warfare, how might I fight him, how I need to plead for God to get him off my case so I can continue my walk in peace and harmony.
2. In the last hour or so (I like to keep things current) - If I've been praying for God to change my heart and draw me closer to Him, won't God want me to face these things - fear of rejection, the angry attitude and selfish behaviour? God spoke to me earlier this year (see my previous post) and told me that this year would be about strongholds and their removal. Well, fear plays a big part in my life and drives quite a bit of what comes out of my mouth, how  I act and also what I don't say and don't do.Fear of rejection is one of the strongest fears I have. Wouldn't God, in His love, want to tear that stronghold down in my life? So who is responsible for these circumstances? I'm not going to say God because I don't think He makes people reject us or make us think we are being rejected even when we aren't. I do, however, believe He will make use of such events in our lives for His own purpose.

So my conclusion is, if you have recently been praying for God to move in your life, to change you and make you more like Jesus, to being you closer to your Father where you can experience more of His love and fall in love with Him yourself, don't be surprised if things get tough suddenly. I think God is answering your prayer because He takes what you say seriously (sadly sometimes what we pray about, we're not actually that serious about).

So, thanks to a good friend, I've been reminded of Romans 8: 38-39. "38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

If I feel I'm being rejected I need to use what God has so generously given to me, His Word, and pray it over myself, declare it aloud and, most importantly, BELIEVE IT! It's pointless spouting this stuff unless there is belief that it's true and, if that's the case, then pray God will help you to believe it. I will be doing that for myself because it's easy to believe it for others but not for one's self - such an error.

God's love is such that He isn't out to trip us up but that, in the confronting of the attitude, the fear, there would come understanding, repentance if required, forgiveness, healing and release. It can happen.

I write this post as much for myself as for anyone who might read it. I can be very slow-witted when it comes to God, His love for me, the promise of His Word.  So, in putting this in print, I want to reinforce the message that God does answer our prayers for change but, in doing so, He may have to take us out of a comfort zone and make us uncomfortable so He can bring about that change we long for.

Hold on, keep going, persevere.I'm running with you. Let's press on.

Philippians 1:6

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

"Our God Reigns"

This post comes from the title of a popular church chorus which was also a song from the Delirious album "The Mission Bell". Previously, it wasn't one of my favourites of the amazing band who were Delirious before disbanding last November.

So, does He? Think about it, don't just get the "warm fuzzies", as a friend and I like to call it when evangelical Christians get "good" worship!

Does God really reign?

I ask this question because this has been a tough week of revelations, hard questions and hard truths. Yesterday, as a result of one of these revelations, an extended family member said that they had considered going to church. When challenged by a teen member of the family, the same person admitted that they'd like to believe in God, thought they did but, when they looked back on their life, there were events that made them think the age-old question. Can you guess what it is yet?

If there is a God, who is meant to be good, how can He let bad things happen?

Did you guess the question right? Now this family member, more than ever, has reason to ask this question. I won't go into details here but suffice to say that it involves an alleged serious criminal offense against a member of this family, of which I am an extended part, which has shattered us all.

At the same time, my other half has informed me of negotiations which may leave him in unemployment next year. We have been here before, about 4 years ago, and it nearly broke us then. The stress of the two incidents together has put strains on my beloved, in turn on my marriage which is already creaking in a disturbing way and has nearly ended a number of times in the last three years. So I too have been asking the question "Is God really good?".

I have to believe He is. "Why?" you ask. Well let me go off on a slight tangent, I got asked another question. I was sat in my car, driving around, contemplating all the bad shit that's going on in the lives of those that I love and my own. My iPod was switched to random selection when on came Delirious singing that dratted song that I'm not all that keen on. But I couldn't be bothered to move the song on so I listened instead. The words swirled around me and I felt the pain in them but, through it all, Martin Smith insisted, "Our God reigns!".  I think the last verse kinda summed things up for me. The phrase fell like hammer blows on my ears and on my heart and soul.

Let me share the lyrics with you in case you somehow were under a rock for the last 10 years!

40 million babies lost to Gods great orphanage,
It’s a modern day genocide and a modern day disgrace
If this is a human right then why aren’t we free?
The only freedom we have is in a man nailed to a tree.


100 million faces, staring at the sky,
Wondering if this HIV will ever pass us by.
The devil stole the rain and hope trickles down the plug,
But still my Chinese take away could pay for someone’s drugs.


Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.


The west has found a gun and it’s loaded with ‘unsure’
Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.
Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,
God didn’t screw up when he made you,
He’s a father who loves to parade you.


Yes he reigns, yes you reign, yes you reign,
For there is only one true God,
But we’ve lost the reins on this world,
Forgive us all, forgive us please,
As we fight for this broken world on our knees

I played the song about 5 times in a row, letting that declaration of God reigning flow over me, tears streaming down my face as I thought about what that precious family member had suffered, thinking about the anxiety that must be in the heart of my significant other. I finally concluded that if I do believe God is God, then He must be good in a way that I don't understand but is still a fact. If He is good then He must reign. I found myself singing along and declaring with the band "Yes, our God reigns. My God reigns!".

Now I know, before you start stoning me, this isn't exactly a logical argument but it was the way I was thinking. I felt either I continue believe that He is good and does reign or I may as well give up believing in Him altogether as He wouldn't be worth believing in. I know there are bible verses that state that God's ways are higher than our etc. I always thought secretly that that was a colossal cop-out. But it's as though I've been confronted once again with the fact of evil and things being unfair and God has asked, "will you still believe in Me, will you still believe I'm good, that I do have control and that I do care, even if the initial evidence seems to point to the contrary? When the chips are down, do you still believe?"

It's a tough one to face. I don't have all the answers. I can't debate my faith that well or give you a great discussion in apologetics. My mind isn't wired that way (and I feel kinda thick that I can't, if I'm honest). You could call this emotionalism and yes, there may be a tinge of it there because there are emotive things happening right now. But similarly, isn't our natural reaction when things are bad to turn away from God, unless it's impending death then suddenly the toughest amongst us suddenly get religion quickly!

 Right now, at this moment, yes, I do believe God reigns, that in order to reign, He must be good and that forever, no matter what has happened to those I love, what may happen to my beloved, what may happen to my marriage, God does indeed reign and is seated on the Throne of Heaven. I am not feeling emotional at this moment, no tears are falling and I do not have that fuzzy feeling nor do I felt hyped up. I am sitting quite calmly in my bedroom, typing out this post.

But I believe that the cherubim and seraphim are worshipping Him right now and crying "Holy, Holy, Holy".
I believe that they were doing this even as evil and awful things took place that have shattered a person's life. Perhaps, one day, I will understand the whole "Why do bad things happen to good people" but I doubt it will be whilst I draw breath.

Tomorrow, although I hope and pray its not the case,  I might think differently. I have to take this one day at a time. Does it comfort me, the fact that God reigns in the midst of evil, tough times and hardship? Yes, strangely it does. Once the tears were wiped away, I felt calm in myself and managed a smile. That is something that has been in short order during the last week. I'm praying that all my family, extended ones too, will also come to that inner calm, will find healing and will know that God is good and that He does reign. How that happens is really up to God but I'll be praying for Him to do so. If you feel you are able, perhaps you would too?

If you're feeling particularly bold, go ahead and ask yourself the question "does God reign, whatever is going on in my life?"

Click on the link for the Delirious video.  

Confession of faith?

So you're a Christian, right? You are more than happy to tell people, yes? You're happy to share your faith, give your testimony, offer to pray for people?
If God tells you to speak to someone and tell them about his love, you do it, don't you?

Have you been a Christian for a year, five years, over twenty years?

Well I have called myself a Christian for over 30 years and I'm jealous of you because  you are doing something I seem incapable of.

You see, God has been challenging me of late. I keep thinking over and over about the call to testify to others about Him and yet my mouth remains closed. As I've tried to go back over why I have such a problem with sharing my faith, I've realised things about myself and they aren't that good. They are rather sad infact - a desperate need to be liked by everyone, to be whatever people require me to be so they will like me, to not rock the boat (and a profession of faith can often do that), a fear of abandonment and rejection and I am still unsure where those come from. (no I am not adopted nor are my parents divorced and I have not suffered abuse either).

But whatever my reasons, the bible clearly states that Jesus said "32"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. 33But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven." Matthew 10:32-33 (NIV).

This makes me tremble. In this time of increased loss of faith, particularly in a sole deity who says there are no other gods but Him and no other ways to Heaven accept via His Son. To acknowledge such a faith is an invitation to be derided.

But, in context, in some countries, this also means imprisonment, torture and death. Surely a few snide remarks and pink cheeks are so much better than martyrdom?!
I hear of the Chinese Christians who are treated brutally by the state and yet will willingly suffer such humiliations for their faith rather than deny God's work in their lives.

It makes me ashamed of myself. Have I faced such treatment? No! But still, on the few odd occassions when I have finally opened my mouth to quietly whisper my weedy profession of faith, I see the raised eyebrows and the questioning look as to why someone of supposed intelligence would believe in such a fairytale (in their eyes) and I squirm on the inside. I know they think less of me and I hate it. There, now you know my shame.

I have friends who openly talk about their faith, who are happy to share, when appropriate (not beating people over the head with a 10lb King James Bible) and who seem to shrug off the sneers and laughter.
So why am I this coward and why has God persisted with me when I struggle so much? Where is the boldness? I have even heard sermons preached that, if I am not bold about my faith then I must surely not be saved. I have wondered myself frequently, is this the case? But then deep down inside me, I do sense the confirmation, "You are mine!".

I am still discussing this with God. It's not a pleasant conversation. I am squirming again but this time its as I look at the blood-stained face of a man, beaten beyond recognition but wearing a crown of thorns and He still looks at me with his one good eye (the other closed up) and whispers from his ruined mouth "I love you, you are mine. I bought you for a price, my blood". How can I deny this man my allegiance to all and sundry. Why aren't I shouting my faith from the rooftops? Why am I such a coward? Suddenly, I am very conscious of Judas and I have an inkling of sympathy. He betrayed his lord with a kiss. I am betraying my lord with closed mouth and fearful eyes lest someone should mock me with laughter and cruel words. It is pitiful really.

Against the agony Christ experienced from the Garden of Gethsemane to the Cross where he breathed his last, my worries and fears are as nothing.  Against the torture and threat of death some Christians face, my concerns are miserable. Yet still my fears and anxieties close my mouth as firmly as if an iron gate had been placed infront of them.

Am I alone in this? Do others suffer such worries? Moreover, when am I ever to be set free from them so I can testify openly and happily to God's amazing love and goodness to mankind and, specifically, to me?

I need release. I need to speak out my belief in God and in his Son, Jesus Christ, that He died for my sins and that without him, I am lost. I need to bow the need and confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.

I'm praying God would change my heart, help me to lose my fear, to be given that boldness that the early church had when baptised with fire in the Upper room. I'm praying that God would enable me to get beyond my fear of people disliking me, teasing me, ridiculing me and help me to make my declaration of faith knowing that He is smiling on me.

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death." Romans 12:11