"Ease up!" - When we are our own punchbag.

 

In the last two weeks, I have been priviledged to have unprecented times of praise and worship and feel the closeness of God which is very rare for me. It's wonderful! It's a joy to spend time with God and enjoy His Presence. Once or twice it's been a battle to let go of my self-control, my self-consciousness about standing in a room on my own and raising my hands in the air, clapping my hands, kneeling or being prostrated before Him. I have even found it hard to pray or sing in tongues but have known that it's the right thing to do and, when I have, God has been so good and blessed me incredibly. Again, I never really questioned this when I was younger and I received the gift of tongues but, as I got older, I began to question that gift. I began to wonder if it was me just making funny sounds. I wondered what was the point of it. So there are times still when I have to take a leap of faith and just go for it, trust God that I am not offending Him but am using a gift that He gave me to build myself up and for Him to use to pray about what's on His heart.

Funny how we lose that ability to feel comfortable doing such things when we grow up. Children don't have it. But when we grow up, we become suspicious of anything like that, anything remotely emotional because we know that emotions are treacherous things. We're so careful to not "get it wrong" that we end up missing the blessing that comes from just doing as we feel lead. Sometimes emotions are good and are God-given. It's why Jesus said God longs for us to have a childlike faith, we trust Him and go where He leads.

 I don't get to join with other Christians to praise and worship often. There are circumstances that mean a trip to church is a rare treat! I haven't been to a conference, worshipped with 1000s, worshipped with 100s. I dream of it but to be able to praise with other Christians, to pray with them is just something my heart longs for but at this time, can't have. When you are cut off from the Body, you can just lose touch with spending time in God's Presence singing, praising. It's like doing it every Sunday keeps you in practice. I am badly out of practice so its not so natural for me to do these things, especially alone.
I speak from 6 years of not being attached to a church or body of believers.

So to spend time alone, singing, praising, just doesn't come naturally to me. It feels odd, feels forced sometimes and uncomfortable.I lack practice!

So what's with the title of this post? I'll expand.

I've spent time in God's Presence, I've felt refreshed, blessed, challenged, loved. I've prayed for change in my life, in my attitude. Time with God, at some point, will make you aware of your need for Him, for the areas in your life that need His forgiveness, healing, cleansing.
Later that same day, or perhaps the following day, I've then acted in a manner that doesn't suggest a woman who has been communing with her Lord!

Let me give an example - I had a evening recently when I was alone for an hour or so and decided to watch worship videos online. I had an amazing time with Jesus. It took me by complete surprise and I was so blessed to the point of tears. God was so good to me.
The following day, at work, things happened and I not only lost my temper but used bad language and was in a foul mood for a good part of the day, not really communicating with my colleagues and just letting a cloud of rage envelope me (bit like Pigpen from the Snoopy cartoons).
Nice,huh?

So then, I got home, managed to calm down. Then I listened to worship music, watching God tv, thinking about what I'd experienced and then how I've behaved and I've felt defeated. I felt dirty, I felt useless and I felt like I've once again let God down, as I seem to all the time. How is it possible that I can spend time with God  being lifted into a special place in Him and yet only hours later, just act like I haven't been anywhere close to Him?

So I was beating myself up mentally this day, apologizing to God and saying "how do You put up with me? Why do You bother? I keep getting it wrong!".

Well, I've been hearing God  and He is saying clearly to me "Ease up on yourself! Stop beating yourself up. I love you." It's not the first time I've heard this. A friend has said to me recently that God loves me and He wants me to understand He loves me for me, not how well I behave. I have struggled with this feeling for many years and long to be free of it. It comes from problems with perfectionism, wanting to get it right exactly.

So what I want to say is, if you are beating yourself up about habitual sins, tempers, attitudes but you are praying and confessing, repenting, God knows your heart. He loves us. He knows we struggle with these things. If you're like me, He knows we struggle with perfectionism.

I was reading about this in my bible only today - He loves us! If God isn't beating up on us, do we think we're so much better than Him that we feel the need to do the job for Him, the one that, in our eyes, He appears to be neglecting?

No! Ease up on yourself. That's not to say be comfortable with sin but there is a difference. God is a good Father. Keep enjoying His Presence and let Him deal with you and your sins in His time but let Him spoil you in the meantime with His love. Yes, none of us deserve it but He gives it anyway. Isn't that the point? We are undeserving but God's love is so special that He gives it to us anyway.....BECAUSE HE LOVES US!!!



Encouragement for the New Year, 2011

I love it when God chooses to use the everyday events of life to speak to me about matters on His heart. I love it even more when I actually happen to be listening and don't miss what He's saying (let's be honest, haven't all of us at one time or another been asleep or listening to other voices when God speaks?).

Well, right at the outset, God wanted to encourage me regarding this year, all of my future really.

I have to give you some background to the way my mind works, struggles I've had in the past.
You see, I used to get really bent out of shape about the approaching New Year. Instead of looking at it with anticipation of new experiences, new challenges, chances for happiness and joy, I used to cry with fear and worry. I used to look at the New Year as being filled with problems, disasters round every corner and, instead of a chance to do well, a chance to screw up my life a bit more. Yup, it was deeply depressing being around me on New Year's Eve, certainly not a fun-filled evening!

After Boxing Day, things got a little tired and fractious at home. As much as it is lovely to spend time with family, have the big feast etc, it can also tire one out, together with the inevitable pig out on food.  Anyway, my fears regarding the future started to crowd in on me. My emotions started to flit all over the place, I was depressed, worried of others' thoughts on me. Old problems with food returned and imagined upsets. All my weak points were poked and prodded and I felt I was coming apart at the seams.

By the time I returned to work on 29th, I was in pieces. But I finally began to speak to God about it all. Why does it take us so long to go to God about these things? Well, what I mean is, why does it take me so long to go to God about these things when previous experiences has taught me He is the first stop and only stop for such matters.

Anyway, as I began to pray, I kept hearing a song that a close friend had sung to me years ago when she was at YWAM ("Youth With a Mission") on short term missions. The song was "Let God arise and let His enemies be scattered". It's not the Chris Tomlin version, I think it's a hymn. Anyway, this kept going round and round my head as I prayed and then, flash of light - EUREKA moment! God encouraged me to lift Him up in praise, to worship Him and in doing so, His enemies (and mine) would flee. This can include the enemies in one's mind, those thoughts that rise unbidden that take our eyes off Jesus and onto ourselves. Basically such thinking reduces God in our minds and our problems, real or perceived, can become the dominent feature in our life.

So this was the first encouragement.

The next was further upsets at home. Now my usual reaction is to push with questions "what's wrong?", "What have I done?" (on the assumption it has to be my fault), "why are you being difficult with me?".
This normally makes the situation worse and can lead to further disagreements and upsets.
But, following on from the Wednesday, I had actually taken note so decided again to pray before doing anything, including talking.

God was very clear on this matter, "Look to Me first. Look to Me only for your affirmation. Look to Me for your confidence. Base your attitude, heart and mind and outlook on what you hear from Me, not from others. Don't be so easily swayed by the atmosphere of others' emotions but instead take lead from Me".
So I elected to do this very thing.  Now I was very fortunate because the atmosphere did improve and all was well but, even if it hadn't, I did feel a lightness in my heart, something I don't normally feel. I tend to be a human barometer for the emotional atmosphere both at home and in the office.

I find it a huge challenge that Christians are to be the the salt, the ones who can and should make the difference. If I'm honest, I'm usually the one leading the charge in negativity. Not something I'm proud of.

Finally, God used a shopping trip, yes a shopping trip to round of His encouragement for the New Year. My hubs decided to take me out shopping for some new clothes. I have lost quite a bit of weight recently and, with it being the sales, hubs thought he would treat me to some new outfits. I decided to spruce myself up and painted my nails a lovely purple. Whilst we at one particular shop, my hubs had me try on a few items which were purple, shirts and cardigans. We ended up getting them. He also treated me to a new handbag, a purple one!

So I got home and began a little fashion parade in my room, enjoying the feel and look of new clothes. As I preened infront of the mirror, God reminded me that purple is a royal colour and that, instead of always doing myself down, always seeing the bad in myself and never any good, He reminded me that I am a member of the Royal Family, His Royal Family. I am a daughter of the King of Kings. God told me that, from 2011, I am to view myself as He sees me. It's time to tell and believe the truth of who I am, not who the devil says I am. This isn't to say I cover over sins, over bad habits and errors in thinking but to see myself in a true light. Quite a challenge - yes, I am a rather pessimistic person!

So I am feeling truly feeling uplifted and encouraged now. I realise that I will have to keep reminding myself of this because there will inevitably be times when I forget.

What has God been saying to you recently?

"Our God Reigns"

This post comes from the title of a popular church chorus which was also a song from the Delirious album "The Mission Bell". Previously, it wasn't one of my favourites of the amazing band who were Delirious before disbanding last November.

So, does He? Think about it, don't just get the "warm fuzzies", as a friend and I like to call it when evangelical Christians get "good" worship!

Does God really reign?

I ask this question because this has been a tough week of revelations, hard questions and hard truths. Yesterday, as a result of one of these revelations, an extended family member said that they had considered going to church. When challenged by a teen member of the family, the same person admitted that they'd like to believe in God, thought they did but, when they looked back on their life, there were events that made them think the age-old question. Can you guess what it is yet?

If there is a God, who is meant to be good, how can He let bad things happen?

Did you guess the question right? Now this family member, more than ever, has reason to ask this question. I won't go into details here but suffice to say that it involves an alleged serious criminal offense against a member of this family, of which I am an extended part, which has shattered us all.

At the same time, my other half has informed me of negotiations which may leave him in unemployment next year. We have been here before, about 4 years ago, and it nearly broke us then. The stress of the two incidents together has put strains on my beloved, in turn on my marriage which is already creaking in a disturbing way and has nearly ended a number of times in the last three years. So I too have been asking the question "Is God really good?".

I have to believe He is. "Why?" you ask. Well let me go off on a slight tangent, I got asked another question. I was sat in my car, driving around, contemplating all the bad shit that's going on in the lives of those that I love and my own. My iPod was switched to random selection when on came Delirious singing that dratted song that I'm not all that keen on. But I couldn't be bothered to move the song on so I listened instead. The words swirled around me and I felt the pain in them but, through it all, Martin Smith insisted, "Our God reigns!".  I think the last verse kinda summed things up for me. The phrase fell like hammer blows on my ears and on my heart and soul.

Let me share the lyrics with you in case you somehow were under a rock for the last 10 years!

40 million babies lost to Gods great orphanage,
It’s a modern day genocide and a modern day disgrace
If this is a human right then why aren’t we free?
The only freedom we have is in a man nailed to a tree.


100 million faces, staring at the sky,
Wondering if this HIV will ever pass us by.
The devil stole the rain and hope trickles down the plug,
But still my Chinese take away could pay for someone’s drugs.


Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.


The west has found a gun and it’s loaded with ‘unsure’
Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.
Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,
God didn’t screw up when he made you,
He’s a father who loves to parade you.


Yes he reigns, yes you reign, yes you reign,
For there is only one true God,
But we’ve lost the reins on this world,
Forgive us all, forgive us please,
As we fight for this broken world on our knees

I played the song about 5 times in a row, letting that declaration of God reigning flow over me, tears streaming down my face as I thought about what that precious family member had suffered, thinking about the anxiety that must be in the heart of my significant other. I finally concluded that if I do believe God is God, then He must be good in a way that I don't understand but is still a fact. If He is good then He must reign. I found myself singing along and declaring with the band "Yes, our God reigns. My God reigns!".

Now I know, before you start stoning me, this isn't exactly a logical argument but it was the way I was thinking. I felt either I continue believe that He is good and does reign or I may as well give up believing in Him altogether as He wouldn't be worth believing in. I know there are bible verses that state that God's ways are higher than our etc. I always thought secretly that that was a colossal cop-out. But it's as though I've been confronted once again with the fact of evil and things being unfair and God has asked, "will you still believe in Me, will you still believe I'm good, that I do have control and that I do care, even if the initial evidence seems to point to the contrary? When the chips are down, do you still believe?"

It's a tough one to face. I don't have all the answers. I can't debate my faith that well or give you a great discussion in apologetics. My mind isn't wired that way (and I feel kinda thick that I can't, if I'm honest). You could call this emotionalism and yes, there may be a tinge of it there because there are emotive things happening right now. But similarly, isn't our natural reaction when things are bad to turn away from God, unless it's impending death then suddenly the toughest amongst us suddenly get religion quickly!

 Right now, at this moment, yes, I do believe God reigns, that in order to reign, He must be good and that forever, no matter what has happened to those I love, what may happen to my beloved, what may happen to my marriage, God does indeed reign and is seated on the Throne of Heaven. I am not feeling emotional at this moment, no tears are falling and I do not have that fuzzy feeling nor do I felt hyped up. I am sitting quite calmly in my bedroom, typing out this post.

But I believe that the cherubim and seraphim are worshipping Him right now and crying "Holy, Holy, Holy".
I believe that they were doing this even as evil and awful things took place that have shattered a person's life. Perhaps, one day, I will understand the whole "Why do bad things happen to good people" but I doubt it will be whilst I draw breath.

Tomorrow, although I hope and pray its not the case,  I might think differently. I have to take this one day at a time. Does it comfort me, the fact that God reigns in the midst of evil, tough times and hardship? Yes, strangely it does. Once the tears were wiped away, I felt calm in myself and managed a smile. That is something that has been in short order during the last week. I'm praying that all my family, extended ones too, will also come to that inner calm, will find healing and will know that God is good and that He does reign. How that happens is really up to God but I'll be praying for Him to do so. If you feel you are able, perhaps you would too?

If you're feeling particularly bold, go ahead and ask yourself the question "does God reign, whatever is going on in my life?"

Click on the link for the Delirious video.