"Ease up!" - When we are our own punchbag.

 

In the last two weeks, I have been priviledged to have unprecented times of praise and worship and feel the closeness of God which is very rare for me. It's wonderful! It's a joy to spend time with God and enjoy His Presence. Once or twice it's been a battle to let go of my self-control, my self-consciousness about standing in a room on my own and raising my hands in the air, clapping my hands, kneeling or being prostrated before Him. I have even found it hard to pray or sing in tongues but have known that it's the right thing to do and, when I have, God has been so good and blessed me incredibly. Again, I never really questioned this when I was younger and I received the gift of tongues but, as I got older, I began to question that gift. I began to wonder if it was me just making funny sounds. I wondered what was the point of it. So there are times still when I have to take a leap of faith and just go for it, trust God that I am not offending Him but am using a gift that He gave me to build myself up and for Him to use to pray about what's on His heart.

Funny how we lose that ability to feel comfortable doing such things when we grow up. Children don't have it. But when we grow up, we become suspicious of anything like that, anything remotely emotional because we know that emotions are treacherous things. We're so careful to not "get it wrong" that we end up missing the blessing that comes from just doing as we feel lead. Sometimes emotions are good and are God-given. It's why Jesus said God longs for us to have a childlike faith, we trust Him and go where He leads.

 I don't get to join with other Christians to praise and worship often. There are circumstances that mean a trip to church is a rare treat! I haven't been to a conference, worshipped with 1000s, worshipped with 100s. I dream of it but to be able to praise with other Christians, to pray with them is just something my heart longs for but at this time, can't have. When you are cut off from the Body, you can just lose touch with spending time in God's Presence singing, praising. It's like doing it every Sunday keeps you in practice. I am badly out of practice so its not so natural for me to do these things, especially alone.
I speak from 6 years of not being attached to a church or body of believers.

So to spend time alone, singing, praising, just doesn't come naturally to me. It feels odd, feels forced sometimes and uncomfortable.I lack practice!

So what's with the title of this post? I'll expand.

I've spent time in God's Presence, I've felt refreshed, blessed, challenged, loved. I've prayed for change in my life, in my attitude. Time with God, at some point, will make you aware of your need for Him, for the areas in your life that need His forgiveness, healing, cleansing.
Later that same day, or perhaps the following day, I've then acted in a manner that doesn't suggest a woman who has been communing with her Lord!

Let me give an example - I had a evening recently when I was alone for an hour or so and decided to watch worship videos online. I had an amazing time with Jesus. It took me by complete surprise and I was so blessed to the point of tears. God was so good to me.
The following day, at work, things happened and I not only lost my temper but used bad language and was in a foul mood for a good part of the day, not really communicating with my colleagues and just letting a cloud of rage envelope me (bit like Pigpen from the Snoopy cartoons).
Nice,huh?

So then, I got home, managed to calm down. Then I listened to worship music, watching God tv, thinking about what I'd experienced and then how I've behaved and I've felt defeated. I felt dirty, I felt useless and I felt like I've once again let God down, as I seem to all the time. How is it possible that I can spend time with God  being lifted into a special place in Him and yet only hours later, just act like I haven't been anywhere close to Him?

So I was beating myself up mentally this day, apologizing to God and saying "how do You put up with me? Why do You bother? I keep getting it wrong!".

Well, I've been hearing God  and He is saying clearly to me "Ease up on yourself! Stop beating yourself up. I love you." It's not the first time I've heard this. A friend has said to me recently that God loves me and He wants me to understand He loves me for me, not how well I behave. I have struggled with this feeling for many years and long to be free of it. It comes from problems with perfectionism, wanting to get it right exactly.

So what I want to say is, if you are beating yourself up about habitual sins, tempers, attitudes but you are praying and confessing, repenting, God knows your heart. He loves us. He knows we struggle with these things. If you're like me, He knows we struggle with perfectionism.

I was reading about this in my bible only today - He loves us! If God isn't beating up on us, do we think we're so much better than Him that we feel the need to do the job for Him, the one that, in our eyes, He appears to be neglecting?

No! Ease up on yourself. That's not to say be comfortable with sin but there is a difference. God is a good Father. Keep enjoying His Presence and let Him deal with you and your sins in His time but let Him spoil you in the meantime with His love. Yes, none of us deserve it but He gives it anyway. Isn't that the point? We are undeserving but God's love is so special that He gives it to us anyway.....BECAUSE HE LOVES US!!!



The Comfort of Fellowship, the focus on God

                                    I've just had a pretty shocking weekend. One of extremes.

My day off started well enough, with a lie in. But then other events took place and by the time I went to meet a dear friend for supper, I was upset, very angry and hurt. However, this friend, a Christian, and I enjoyed a meal and, after I'd had my vent, we went for a wonderful walk and a drive at twilight. We were listening to worship music and, after a while, found ourselves joining in. We became more and more focussed on worship so that we were just enjoying God's Presence. It was like the atmosphere just changed around us.

The following day started with a Ladies breakfast at my former spiritual home (yes, I currently have no abode but more on that another time). I was sat with people I knew and some new people. It was facinating to hear all different experiences of life from different parts of the world. The speaker, a wonderful lady, was incredibly funny and entertaining as a speaker. But she also shared quite personal moments of anguish. Her points, focusing on God, were all well made and understandable.She spoke as a woman who has truly been through the fire, and continues to in some areas. I felt incredibly uplifted by her positive message and was pleased I had gone.

Then came Saturday night. I won't go into the problems but sufficient to say that my heart was once more shattered and found myself looking at the future with uncertainty and dread. Amazingly, I slept - God is so good to us, what a gift sleep is. The hours from 7pm to 12.30 were pretty much agony. I felt like I was being tortured very slowly.

But I woke early on Sunday. Now, as I've already said, I don't normally attend church but when I got up I kept thinking about it. It was that siren call when one's heart has been trampled on. I went for a run then, once showered and changed, headed out to take photos - I love photography.

Finally I couldn't resist and I got there in time for a cup of tea before the start of the service. I seemed to bump into old home group members that I was close to. I received hugs and "hi"s (this without them being aware of my delicate mood). I confess I did cry briefly and had to excuse myself for the last part of the worship.Initially, all I could think about was the previous night, the uncertain future and how hurt I was. Its hard to worship God when you are focussed on those things. But, standing between two of these wonderful people who were so pleased to see me and had given me such a warm welcome, I realised that I was actually home. So I began to focus on the One who was behind such love and friendliness, God my Father, my compassionate Lord.

From there, I was able to get my mind off myself and my problems and onto God. The worship flowed and they had a time of prophetic sharing. Then finally the word which was challenging yet encouraging at the same time.

I was able to pray with the pastor's wife for my situation and yes, I cried again. But the assurance that I was not in this alone and to have someone pray with tenderness and compassion was so wonderful.

I have been able to focus more on God and begin to ask the important questions, what do I learn from this situation? What are You saying to me about Your Character? What are Your thoughts regarding my future?
I feel more positive at this moment and it is largely because of God.

So, whilst its taken a while to explain, the purpose of the post is firstly to say never underestimate the power of being in fellowship with other Christians when you feel that all is stacked against you. Being surrounded by love and faith can boost your own.

 Secondly, whilst it may seem difficult, try to take your eyes briefly off your difficult situation and put them on God. He does care very much. Like me, your problem may not change overnight. You could be facing a long-haul and that's hard to take. If you are anything like me, you will have times when you accept the hard time and just get on with it and other times when everything within you screams out at the injustice of it and angrily shouts at God as to why this thing is happening.
There have been times I have thought about throwing in the towel on my faith in God. The fact is though I have seen too much and know too much to be able to do this with any form of conviction. Nature itself shouts out God's existence. David and Job knew all about questioning God. David, in particular, was no stranger to hurts and asking God about His seeming inaction on his behalf.

Fact is, God never ever said that, by accepting His Son, life would be free of worries. Rather, Jesus actually said life would get harder because if the world hated Him it wouldn't take to us, by association. In addition, we are part of the human race in its fallen state. Whilst we have been saved from God's judgement by accepting the gift of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, we are still subject to all those trials that are common to man.

However, know this, God really, truly does care about you, about every tear you shed and every moment your heart feels like it will explode in grief. Hold on to Him, grip His hand tightly. But if you can't do even that, know this - Hedoes hold on to you.....firmly.