I won't go into details here but this is something I am walking through at this very moment in time. Only moments ago, I was in floods of tears so I speak from a position of experience when I expound on this subject.
There are times in our walk of faith when we are called to stand firm in our faith, in what we believe God has called us to do in obedience to Him. Sometimes, when He asks this of us, we see the victory immediately and praise God for those moments when they happen. They are wonderful, we feel amazing and we lift our voices gladly to our Lord, thanking Him for that opportunity and the swiftness of the victory.
But there are also times when we really see the battle and it's not just a quick five minute test of faith but something that we have to persevere, endure and keep pushing through on.
The book of Hebrews really opens this theme of enduring in faith, how God, through Jesus, has prepared the way for us , chapter 11 listing all of those who have gone before us in the fight of faith and stating what they endured and yet how they passed the finish line, in victory and to the glory of God.
A wonderful friend, who is kindly walking beside me in this trial, reminded me of a verse that speaks of faith in the midst of tough times, of holding on when it seems victory will never come - Romans 4v18" Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how many descendants you will have!”
It comes down to holding on to God, holding on to His word and believing it, even when everything around you seems to shout that the odds are impossible and that this time God can't possibly come through for you. As the hours and days go by and you see no sign of let-up, no relief from the hurt, anger, lies or whatever it is you are facing, it would be easy and, from a human perspective, understandable that you would want to give in. But God is calling you to stand strong, to speak out or even not to speak (as is the case for me currently).
Dear friend, if you are reading this and wearying in the battle, you have my sympathies and I feel so much for you. I really do. But I encourage you right now, as I have people encouraging me, HOLD FAST! STAND FIRM!
There is victory. There is hope. Just keep going. Remember Abraham? He had 20 years of hoping! I look back over 20 years and I can't imagine having that kind of faith for that long and STILL holding on to belief in God's promise. But I do believe God gives us the faith we need to endure. However, we have a part to play; we must ask for that faith then we must choose to accept it. This is also about choices, people. Choices that aren't easy but are the right ones. We will be misunderstood, we will be accused of being selfish, uncaring, stubborn, narrow-minded. But God knows our hearts, Jesus understands the pressures, having lived in our world as a man. The Spirit of God living in us urges us to cling to God.
How do we do this? How do we endure? How do we make good choices?
Hebrews 1(b) - 4 "And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. 3 Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. 4 After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin".
God knows the struggle, He knows how much it hurts and how alone you feel, how tired and how much you want to just give in. Tell Him about it - it's not like you can shock God by your feelings and thoughts as He knows them all anyway. But tell Him because you need to let it out, be open with Him and share your feelings, however negative and unsavoury. He loves you, He will listen, wipe away your tears then pour more Grace in to you and whisper "Go on, I know you can do this. Keep going, I am with you".
Let's encourage one another as we endure, as we press on. We are not alone, God is with us every step we take, through every tear shed and every moment our heart wearies and we falter. Keep going!
Hebrews 10: 23-24 "23 Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. 24 Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. "
Do you ever get frustrated with yourself? Be honest, do you?
I do. I am. Frequently!
If we continue being honest, we all tend to see ourselves in a certain light. I like to think I am this youthful, vibrant, creative woman who is liked by all, is loving, kind and forgiving, gracious, has no hang-ups and is pretty well-adjusted. Then I wake up and remember that this isn't actually who I am at all.
I'm a pretty messed up puppy really. I have huge insecurities, I spend quite a bit of my time every day being angry about something or with someone, I can be mean, gossipy, cruel, and there certainly isn't much graciousness displayed in my life.
When I became a Christian, many years ago (when dinosaurs ruled the earth), it was more or less intimated to me that my life, me, would change and suddenly I would become this amazing person, transformed into the likeness of Jesus. I would forgive, I would be gracious to others, I would be kind and loving, eschuing gossip and being helpful and encouraging instead. I would, as a matter of course, because of the radical change in my life, witness all the time, bring many to know this Jesus that I had myself just met. Life was never going to be the same, it would be a million times better.
You know something? That transformation didn't take place. How disappointed was I! This was meant to happen naturally, I'd barely be aware of it. But it never came. That's because I was misled and also because I didn't listen when later on others tried to correct this faulty thinking. Don't get me wrong, I am still incredibly grateful to the church that saw me finally come into a relationship with God. They saw my through my dreadful teenage years and my early twenties. They stood by me and I experienced God during that time in a positive and passionate way. But I always felt somewhat cheated and that feeling remains.
I've been listened to podcasts from Bill Johnson of Bethel Church, based in Redding, California. He did a series called Transformed and I began to listen to one today. He took the passage from Romans - Chapter 12 verse 2
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
A friend of mine attended a Discipleship Training School with Youth With a Mission years ago. I remember very clearly, when she came home at the end of it, sharing with me the teaching she had received on this course and this particular verse and the teaching that went with it impacted her very strongly. I think it does to this day as she continues to grow in her amazing faith. She has truly modelled to me what it means to be "transformed by the renewing" of her mind.
So I guess my beef is, why aren't I being transformed? Why, in my 31 years of being a Christian (is it really that long?), have I not seen the changes, been aware of God renewing me from the inside out?
To go back to Bill Johnson, the bit that leapt out at me of this particular teaching was this - "I feel that God is saying "I want my ways to overide your ways. I want my thoughts to overide your thoughts,I'm going to overwhelm you with goodness until you are conformed.""
I happened to be walking from the shops when I heard this and I wanted to drop the carrier bags of food and stick my hands up in the air shouting "Yes, Lord, please will you just hurry up and do this already. I've been waiting for so long". I could feel the exasperation in my heart and mind. Bill made a good point when he said that a number of people listening to this particular sermon would be challenged on wrong thinking regarding transformation and the renewing of the mind. I think he's right. I am being challenged because I know that God expects me to do my part. For some people, God is gracious and He enables them to stop taking drugs straight away, stop swearing straight away or other things that affect them. Overnight these people become changed people and they have amazing testimonies of how God has radically affected them for good. They are not the "norm" or so it would seem.
The "norm" tends to be the rest of us who plod along and God gives us opportunities to say yes to His way of thinking rather than what is considered to be standard for our day and age.
In all honesty, I tend to either be blind to these "opportunities" or alternatively I ignore them or walk the other way. I'm not good at forgiving people. I hold grudges. I'm not good at testimonies, I hide my beliefs because I know they aren't popular and I want people to like me. I'm a people-pleaser.
Know what? I don't want to continue like this. Why? Because being a Christian has actually brought more stress into my life rather than less. My flesh constantly fights against what I know to be God's ways. Paul even addresses this in the New Testament, one of his Epistles. Romans 7 v 15 says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." He adds "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." V 18-19. All this striving is causing me to lose any joy I ever had in the Christian faith and my relationship with God.
So what is the answer? How do I become transformed? Well the sad news is it requires effort on my part. I need to make the choice to take the right way when presented with the option. Jesus did the hard work, He saved my sorry arse when He hung on the Cross and died for my sins. He rescued me from death when I said that I would give my life to Him and acknowledge Him as King. What He is asking me to do is simply to say "I choose Your way" then go do it. I say "Simply" but really there is nothing simple about it at all. I find it very hard. Does that mean I am not a Christian? I don't think so otherwise Paul wouldn't have been one either!!!
There isn't a conclusion to this post really. I know what I have to do. It just seems so hard and I fail so often. I really want God to, as Bill said, overwhelm me with His goodness. I want His thoughts to overwhelm my thoughts and His ways overwhelm my ways. I'm frustrated with myself because I am still going round in circles, chasing my tail. I'm still choosing poorly and I seem to be no further on in my walk than I was 30 years ago. I'm still very much a "baby" in the Lord.
I really want God to break out in my life in the radical way I hoped He would when I was a new born-again believer. So I'm praying that God will answer this heart's cry of mine and help me. I do believe in God, I do believe He can change people's lives. For some reason, it seems I have a problem believing He can make any change in mine. That's just plain sad! Tranform me God, transform me into who You called me to be. I know I'm Your child but I just don't seem to act like it.
