Standing firm, even when it costs...

I won't go into details here but this is something I am walking through at this very moment in time. Only moments ago, I was in floods of tears so I speak from a position of experience when I expound on this subject.

There are times in our walk of faith when we are called to stand firm in our faith, in what we believe God has called us to do in obedience to Him. Sometimes, when He asks this of us, we see the victory immediately and praise God for those moments when they happen. They are wonderful, we feel amazing and we lift our voices gladly to our Lord, thanking Him for that opportunity and the swiftness of the victory.

But there are also times when we really see the battle and it's not just a quick five minute test of faith but something that we have to persevere, endure and keep pushing through on.

The book of Hebrews really opens this theme of enduring in faith, how God, through Jesus, has prepared the way for us , chapter 11 listing all of those who have gone before us in the fight of faith and stating what they endured and yet how they passed the finish line, in victory and to the glory of God.

A wonderful friend, who is kindly walking beside me in this trial, reminded me of a verse that speaks of faith in the midst of tough times, of holding on when it seems victory will never come - Romans 4v18" Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how many descendants you will have!”

It comes down to holding on to God, holding on to His word and believing it, even when everything around you seems to shout that the odds are impossible and that this time God can't possibly come through for you. As the hours and days go by and you see no sign of let-up, no relief from the hurt, anger, lies or whatever it is you are facing, it would be easy and, from a human perspective, understandable that you would want to give in. But God is calling you to stand strong, to speak out or even not to speak (as is the case for me currently).

Dear friend, if you are reading this and wearying in the battle, you have my sympathies and I feel so much for you. I really do. But I encourage you right now, as I have people encouraging me, HOLD FAST! STAND FIRM!

There is victory. There is hope. Just keep going. Remember Abraham? He had 20 years of hoping! I look back over 20 years and I can't imagine having that kind of faith for that long and STILL holding on to belief in God's promise. But I do believe God gives us the faith we need to endure. However, we have a part to play; we must ask for that faith then we must choose to accept it. This is also about choices, people. Choices that aren't easy but are the right ones. We will be misunderstood, we will be accused of being selfish, uncaring, stubborn, narrow-minded. But God knows our hearts, Jesus understands the pressures, having lived in our world as a man. The Spirit of God living in us urges us to cling to God.

How do we do this? How do we endure? How do we make good choices?
Hebrews 1(b) - 4 "And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ² We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ³ Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. ⁴ After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin".

God knows the struggle, He knows how much it hurts and how alone you feel, how tired and how much you want to just give in. Tell Him about it - it's not like you can shock God by your feelings and thoughts as He knows them all anyway. But tell Him because you need to let it  out, be open with Him and share your feelings, however negative and unsavoury. He loves you, He will listen, wipe away your tears then pour more Grace in to you and whisper "Go on, I know you can do this. Keep going, I am with you".

Let's encourage one another as we endure, as we press on. We are not alone, God is with us every step we take, through every tear shed and every moment our heart wearies and we falter. Keep going!

Hebrews 10: 23-24 "²³ Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. ²⁴ Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. "

The One who cares

Life can be overwhelming.


At work, the boss just isn't making himself clear, his lack of communication is bugging you.
Or you are the boss and you have been faced with impossible tasks and business decisions that will affect the lives of others, there is so much pressure to make sure you keep everyone happy yet turn a profit or stay afloat.


You have been hit with a number of awful occurrences, a broken marriage, debts which are now out of control, a victim of abuse. Your job is on the line.
You're facing a long and difficult illness and you worry about your children. What happens to them if you succumb to this illness? What about if you survive but you've had to take alot of time from work and now your employers regret that they will have to let you go? What about the bills coming in still?
Your parents are elderly, health failing and, as they get older, they get harder to take care of. You are trying to take care of them but you have your own family demands too, children at school who need your attention.
Life just gets so busy and it doesn't even have to be some of the more drastic ones above, it can just be the day to day tasks but everything seems to come at once and you can't split yourself into enough pieces


We all have this, its part of the human experience where we just don't know which way is up or down.
This may sound simplistic but, if you are a Christian, you can go to Someone in prayer. You can cry out to God. He may not actually remove any of these factors. That's a whole other post. But you can still go to God. He is the one Person whom you can just spill it all out at. He won't tell you to pull yourself together. He won't say there there never mind


The fact of just being able to talk to God about it is a form of release. Even if, initially, we don't actually feel any better for it (and I know because I have had those times), the very fact of opening that part of our lives to God gives the option for change, for allowing His Spirit into that situation.
Sometimes God will remove the thorn that causes pain or anger or irritation, even all three. Other times He wont. But in every case, God cares for us and wants us to go to Him


1 Peter 5 v7 says "⁷ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
Ps 94 v 18 says "And when I was burdened with worries,you comforted me and made me feel secure."


So why am I telling you this? 


Well, my husband, who isn't a Christian, is going through tough times at work. He is under a lot of stress. In addition to that, two other family members are experiencing disappointment, stress, anxiety about finances, future of children. There are worries about harmful recent experiences and how this will affect them in the future, there is broken relationship. Neither of these other family members are Christians.
As I've spoken to them, listened to their worries, I have silently prayed for them, pleading with God on their behalf (no, I'm not all that as a Christian so please don't think this is me congratulating myself).
What has occurred to me is that, as a Christian, I believe that God my Father does actually give a stuff about me. The Bible tells me this is also true (see the above verses). David frequently spoke of his troubles and trials to God. Just read the Psalms. But people who have no belief, who do they turn to?


Well, yes, they can turn to family members, they can turn to friends. But as we all have our own issues to deal with, one can be reluctant to burden others with our own problems. There may be reasons why we can't involve others. This can make us feel isolated, alone in a morass of problems which no-one can rescue us from. Depression can also shut us in a room in our mind where no-one can reach us. Either way, it's very lonely there.
As I have prayed for these dear ones (no, I'm not congratulating myself on being Super Christian, I'm so not), I've had a revelation.
1) I am so blessed. God loved me so much that He sent someone to take time out to tell me about Jesus, to talk me through salvation and what it means and then God's Spirit prompted me to accept this gift of salvation and ask Jesus into my life. As a result, even when things are bad, I can turn to God always. I might rant and rail Him like David did. Our God is big enough to take this. But always, I know that He is there and that He does care. He knows the number of hairs on my head, He has all my tears collected and He values me more than the sparrows He provides for. What a privilege and a blessing to know God and to know I can cast my burdens on Him. I am never alone.
2) What about those who don't know God? Where do they go when the chips are down? When they lay in bed at night, worrying about those financial reports to be made, when they worry about how the next electricity bill will be met, when they are angry and feel that their trust has been irreparably broken and that no-one believes them or the hurt they've suffered? Who do they turn to? If they don't believe in a God that cares it doesn't leave them much.



That's what we have to do, be His hands and feet practically but also be ready to  speak up and point Him out so that they too might have the opportunity of being able to go to the God that cares about them.


Do you need to help someone today? To be God's hands and feet? Are you feeling lonely in your world of problems that just won't go away? Call on Him, please. He wants hear from you. He does care.

I'm not getting it!

This isn't my first blog. I have blogged previously and spoken about my journey of faith but, if I am honest now, not always being completely truthful but following what I saw as the way of accepted "christian blogging", never really being that real about my struggles, never really saying how it is with me. I was so scared that I would be shunned from the Christian blogging community if I was honest about just how deep my struggles go. Well enough I say. Its time to be honest, to say what is on my heart and, if God and I are the only ones to ever view it, well atleast I am being honest here - finally.

Incredible though it may seem, I am a Christian of over 30 years but still, at this late stage of the game, I am not getting it - my faith that is. That which I profess to believe in and is supposedly making a difference to my life, I'm not getting it still.

I have written Christian poetry, short stories, I have been an intercessor with Lydias International, studied long distance on Intercession. I have been to Christian conferences, attending workshops where I have been healed of self-inflicted traumas and can testify to seeing God move in my life and that of my family in miraculous ways. I have had times of walking in the Spirit and felt God's hand on my life so strongly, felt His anointing on my life.

 I have also managed to walk in the complete opposite direction, immerse myself in sin and align myself with those who are the opposite of everything a Christian stands for. I have walked paths that many would probably rather die than embark on because of misguided affection or even the need for something that would give me a buzz. I have walked a long and difficult path, often at my own poor choosing of direction.

In the last year, as I have come close to losing my marriage, my sanity and my faith, I have wrestled with the "dark side" of my character. I have laid down on the floor and wept bitter tears at the choices I have made and now seeing the "fruit" of those choices. I have looked at the promise of my life and what it could have been, how God had planned it and how I turned my back on those plans and decided that I was "mistress" of my own destiny. I have pleaded with God to remove the consequence of my choice and sin but realised that this is something that we cannot expect to happen. So I have asked God to renew my faith, put a heart of flesh within me to replace my heart of stone.

And so the reality... well, in the last month I have bought 5 worship CDs, highly recommended and anointed. I have also bought a new book by Bill Johnson about strengthening one's self in the Lord. I have listened to two podcasts of sermons, watched a number of Youtube worship videos and also some conferences on God TV.
I have prayed and read some daily readings.

But, inspite of all this, I notice that I am ungrateful, angry, selfish, resentful and peevish. I am hanging on to real and imagined slights by others, moaning about my lot in life when I know that materially I lack for very little. I bemoan my lack of sense of God but is this really that surprising?

I am not getting it. It is pointless to spend money on worship CDs, books and the like when the heart is just not truly focussed on God. It is pointless to pray and read the bible if I am not being changed and thereby reaching out to others who can then see the change and be attracted to Christ. How on earth can I fulfil the Great Commission when I spend my time trying to be unseen, staying out of sight? How is this honouring to God and bringing Him glory? Am I the only one to be frustrated by my lack of change, by my failure to grasp the basic tennants of our faith? Does Jesus bang his head against a wall, as I do, when He notes my complete lack of comprehension of just what He has done for me and mankind and yet sees my almost total lack of regard for it when it comes to living out the Christian life?

If I consider all that Jesus has done for me, and bearing in mind we have just celebrated Easter which is about the ultimate in sacrifice, but still not let it affect my behaviour, my attitude, can I really continue to call myself "christian"? There are non-Christians out there who are far more tender-hearted to the human race and consider their neighbour their brother. So why should they go to hell and not me? I struggle with these questions. Some, I know, are not of me but are placed in my sub-conscious to divert me from truly following the Master. Others are, I am ashamed to say, 100% my doing, my thoughts and cannot be blamed on mis-direction from hell's quarter.

I know that I need a re-think. I know that I need the power of Jesus' sacrifice, His Blood, to affect me deeply enough that a change will be instigated. I have read too many books promising that if I "just believe in Jesus" and read my bible and do whatever, it will all happen in a flash of light and I'll never swear again, lie again, be selfish again. I believe that God can do it but equally I also believe that not all of us experience that kind of deliverance. I have no idea as to the reason why these selfish desires trouble me so much but maybe, just maybe, its so I can relate to those who also struggle and, in struggling together but seeking God together, we can encourage one another on the road to Heaven. I also believe there is the struggle of "flesh" against spirit too and hold my hands up at my frailty with sin and worldly thinking and admit my faults.

And so I continue in my faith, it is a flawed faith inasmuch as I have still so much that I need to understand or experience, inspite of my 30 years "experience". I am still a child in my understanding but I hope and pray that God, as my loving Father, will look at me and not discount me from His Grace but instead, shaking his head and wondering at my slowness of spirit, grab my arms and lift me up in the Spirit, helping me to take that next step on the path to Heaven.

Some parents have to have extra patience with children of slow wit. God, I believe, is no exception and so I wait with hope for His loving patience towards me and that He will wake my heart to the changes required.

For those of you who are running with the Spirit, I encourage you and cheer your efforts and hope that you run a good race.Please be patient with your slower siblings.
For those of you who may struggle as I do with the basics, even many years on, I say not to give up hope but to cling to God because, above all else, He is our only Hope and without Him, we are doomed.


Bunny