I'm not getting it!

This isn't my first blog. I have blogged previously and spoken about my journey of faith but, if I am honest now, not always being completely truthful but following what I saw as the way of accepted "christian blogging", never really being that real about my struggles, never really saying how it is with me. I was so scared that I would be shunned from the Christian blogging community if I was honest about just how deep my struggles go. Well enough I say. Its time to be honest, to say what is on my heart and, if God and I are the only ones to ever view it, well atleast I am being honest here - finally.

Incredible though it may seem, I am a Christian of over 30 years but still, at this late stage of the game, I am not getting it - my faith that is. That which I profess to believe in and is supposedly making a difference to my life, I'm not getting it still.

I have written Christian poetry, short stories, I have been an intercessor with Lydias International, studied long distance on Intercession. I have been to Christian conferences, attending workshops where I have been healed of self-inflicted traumas and can testify to seeing God move in my life and that of my family in miraculous ways. I have had times of walking in the Spirit and felt God's hand on my life so strongly, felt His anointing on my life.

 I have also managed to walk in the complete opposite direction, immerse myself in sin and align myself with those who are the opposite of everything a Christian stands for. I have walked paths that many would probably rather die than embark on because of misguided affection or even the need for something that would give me a buzz. I have walked a long and difficult path, often at my own poor choosing of direction.

In the last year, as I have come close to losing my marriage, my sanity and my faith, I have wrestled with the "dark side" of my character. I have laid down on the floor and wept bitter tears at the choices I have made and now seeing the "fruit" of those choices. I have looked at the promise of my life and what it could have been, how God had planned it and how I turned my back on those plans and decided that I was "mistress" of my own destiny. I have pleaded with God to remove the consequence of my choice and sin but realised that this is something that we cannot expect to happen. So I have asked God to renew my faith, put a heart of flesh within me to replace my heart of stone.

And so the reality... well, in the last month I have bought 5 worship CDs, highly recommended and anointed. I have also bought a new book by Bill Johnson about strengthening one's self in the Lord. I have listened to two podcasts of sermons, watched a number of Youtube worship videos and also some conferences on God TV.
I have prayed and read some daily readings.

But, inspite of all this, I notice that I am ungrateful, angry, selfish, resentful and peevish. I am hanging on to real and imagined slights by others, moaning about my lot in life when I know that materially I lack for very little. I bemoan my lack of sense of God but is this really that surprising?

I am not getting it. It is pointless to spend money on worship CDs, books and the like when the heart is just not truly focussed on God. It is pointless to pray and read the bible if I am not being changed and thereby reaching out to others who can then see the change and be attracted to Christ. How on earth can I fulfil the Great Commission when I spend my time trying to be unseen, staying out of sight? How is this honouring to God and bringing Him glory? Am I the only one to be frustrated by my lack of change, by my failure to grasp the basic tennants of our faith? Does Jesus bang his head against a wall, as I do, when He notes my complete lack of comprehension of just what He has done for me and mankind and yet sees my almost total lack of regard for it when it comes to living out the Christian life?

If I consider all that Jesus has done for me, and bearing in mind we have just celebrated Easter which is about the ultimate in sacrifice, but still not let it affect my behaviour, my attitude, can I really continue to call myself "christian"? There are non-Christians out there who are far more tender-hearted to the human race and consider their neighbour their brother. So why should they go to hell and not me? I struggle with these questions. Some, I know, are not of me but are placed in my sub-conscious to divert me from truly following the Master. Others are, I am ashamed to say, 100% my doing, my thoughts and cannot be blamed on mis-direction from hell's quarter.

I know that I need a re-think. I know that I need the power of Jesus' sacrifice, His Blood, to affect me deeply enough that a change will be instigated. I have read too many books promising that if I "just believe in Jesus" and read my bible and do whatever, it will all happen in a flash of light and I'll never swear again, lie again, be selfish again. I believe that God can do it but equally I also believe that not all of us experience that kind of deliverance. I have no idea as to the reason why these selfish desires trouble me so much but maybe, just maybe, its so I can relate to those who also struggle and, in struggling together but seeking God together, we can encourage one another on the road to Heaven. I also believe there is the struggle of "flesh" against spirit too and hold my hands up at my frailty with sin and worldly thinking and admit my faults.

And so I continue in my faith, it is a flawed faith inasmuch as I have still so much that I need to understand or experience, inspite of my 30 years "experience". I am still a child in my understanding but I hope and pray that God, as my loving Father, will look at me and not discount me from His Grace but instead, shaking his head and wondering at my slowness of spirit, grab my arms and lift me up in the Spirit, helping me to take that next step on the path to Heaven.

Some parents have to have extra patience with children of slow wit. God, I believe, is no exception and so I wait with hope for His loving patience towards me and that He will wake my heart to the changes required.

For those of you who are running with the Spirit, I encourage you and cheer your efforts and hope that you run a good race.Please be patient with your slower siblings.
For those of you who may struggle as I do with the basics, even many years on, I say not to give up hope but to cling to God because, above all else, He is our only Hope and without Him, we are doomed.


Bunny