Longing to be loved

"How many of you see God as longing to be loved by you?"

This quote is taken from the book "Captivating" written by John and Stasi Eldridge, a book I am reading for the second time.

I initially bought the book about a year ago on recommendations from others who said it had totally opened their eyes to God's love for them. I did my usual and ripped through it in no time. I am a devourer of books and sometimes read them so fast that I dont actually take in deeply what I'm reading.

Yeah, it seemed a good book and I thought some deepish thoughts on it then moved on.

Well, of late, a friend told me she was reading this book, as recommended by someone and we spoke about it a bit. I decided I would have another read of this but, this time, slowly, hopefully giving me time to properly digest what I would read.

I didn't get beyond the introduction before I was in tears. Yup, this time, I was letting the words get through to my ice maiden's heart. All the talk of a woman just wanting to be loved for herself, of feeling as though she was too much or not enough for anyone to actually love her without having to be or so many things. Story of my life - I have always been a mask wearer for fear that I won't be accepted as I am. Not sure where I picked up this habit but it is deeply ingrained in my pysche now and affects everything, including my faith in God.

I actually wondered whether I wanted to carry on reading this book, bearing in mind the affect it had had on me just in the intro! But I have been reading bits and pieces over the last week. In chapter one, it spoke of the key things of importance to a woman and how they reflect and speak to us of God's heart too. They are the desire to be romanced, the desire to be part of a great adventure and to be the beauty in the fairytale who is fought for. God longs to have a romance with us, is the One who can truly give us the adventure our hearts long for and His beauty is matchless and waiting to be discovered.
As I thought on this and the comments about women desiring relationship and it being the core of their character, I thought on my longings and realised that I too long for relationship but wondered if, with the pains of life experience, have I suffocated that part of my character and closed it off to all, including God?

However, I digress. I have only just got into chapter two when I came across the above gem of a question.

It stopped me in my tracks. I was at the car wash at the time, having my car cleaned and using the moment in the waiting room to do a little reading. As I sat there watching the suds roll down my dirty car, I took a long look at myself, asked my heart the question, "Do I see God as longing to be loved by me?".

In all honesty, the answer was, and is, "No, not ever!" It has never occurred to me that God, the Almighty, the Creator of Heaven and earth, all powerful with the power of life and death over all things, majestic and fearsome, King of Glory and the Great I Am, would actually long to be loved by ME.
I mean this is God we are talking about. Why should it matter to Him whether some flea called Caroline loves Him or not? Truly, aren't we bringing Him down to our level? But wait, God created us in His image. So if we have this longing, it has to be because He put it there.

I understand the loving God as a duty, something we should do because He's God, to be feared and praised. Of course we should love God, its expected. We owe Him our lives.  The love mentioned in the book however sounds more like affection, passionate as you would be for a lover, all-consuming. There is no sense of duty here but of raw need and desire.

When I try to think of this kind of love and God at the same time, it just hurts my head. I can't feel that way about Him although I remember faintly having more passion for God when I was younger, more enthusiasm for the things of God. How sad must that make God! He feels too remote for me to feel that way about Him and yet I know with my head that its me that has placed that distance between us. Is this again the effects of a heart broken many times over the years and having closed up to prevent further hurt but closing off so throughly that even God can't get through?

Funny thing is, another friend has said on a number of occassions that, on praying for me, she has sensed that God desperately wants me to give Him my heart fully, to love Him passionately and pursue Him for Himself. There is sense of God yearning for me to love Him the way He loves me. I suppose in that, therein lies another issue.

My head tells me He loves me. The Bible tells me this too and I know that you would be crazy to send  a family member off to die a cruel death for someone you didn't love but I can't translate that to me for some reason. I know it with my head, I have yet to really feel this with my heart.

So my prayer to God at this moment is "Show me Your Heart, God and please melt mine with love, real passionate love, for you". I want to have that fire of passion burning through me for God and to get lost in His Presence. I know that, just as in love between husband and wife, the feeling of love ebbs and flows - sometimes fiercely passionate, other times warm and cuddly, friendship with God will sometimes be the burning fire and other times the walk of obedience. But at the moment, it feels like my heart is beating so slowly as to be too weak to pump the life-giving blood of a love relationship with God around my spirit.

Ask yourself the question? Be truthful? Do you need to ask God to stir up passion and desire for Him once again or maybe for the first time ever in your life? You aren't alone. If you've been a christian for a long time, its easy enough to let time and experience dull you to His charms. If you are not a christian, you may have no idea what I'm talking about. But maybe your curiousity is piqued. What have you got to lose? Ask the question then pray the prayer - "God, show me Your Heart and melt mine with love, real passionate love, for You." You know I'll be praying this too.

Let's keep each other posted on what He says/does in answer to this prayer.