Fighting history

Yup, me again. I seem to have a lot to say these days. The beauty of this blog is that about two people other than myself have viewed it so I don't have to worry that people think I have nothing better to do with my life or that I'm just trying to attract attention to myself by constant blogging!

I mentioned only this week that blogging is cathartic to me and I am able to process what is going on in my life when I write. So whether this is read or not, I'm still getting something out of it. That's got to be good.

Anyway, enough of the preamble.

Families are tough things. On the one hand, there is joy in being part of a family and coming together. Christmases and other high days and holidays are better (at least mostly better) and just knowing that there are people on the planet that would notice if you weren't around anymore.

But equally families can be a huge source of frustration, tension, bitterness, upset.  They can be a blessing and a curse.

Why the title, "Fighting history".? Well on a number of levels actually.

I continue to read the book "Captivating" mentioned in one of my earlier blogs and personality traits are being highlighted that I know have been handed down to me through my family. I'd love to say these are positive ones but they aren't. In fairness, to give a slightly balanced view, I have received positive traits too from my family. My mother's love of music and her artistic nature, love of creativity, writing, painting, making music. It was she that first spoke to me of God and Jesus, although she became a Christian long after I had but our discussions and her ensuring I went to Sunday School laid a positive foundation for me spiritually. I've inherited my my Grandfather's love of theatre and drama. My love of nature comes from my Grandmother and my colouring is totally my father's, very European looking.

But the negative traits can also be passed along the generational lines. My mother can be very domineering and controlling. I know she doesn't recognise this in herself but it has effected the whole family and how my sister and I were brought up, how I view God as a parent and how I feel about myself. In fairness, this was probably passed down to her from my Grandfather who, in turn, was the same.  I think I may have inherited his temper!

In a chapter in "Captivating", it addresses the effects of the Fall and our ejection from the Garden of Eden and the effect it had on all womankind. The worry is common, that God and man (the gender) cannot really be trusted with our security. So a split has developed in how women deal with this falsehood (certainly false about God anyway. Man is also fallen). Some women can be domineering and forceful. I immediately thought of my mother and the various events in my life as a result of that character trait and what is has meant for me and for my relationship with my mother.

Basically, on certain occasions when I have really needed her comfort and good advice or, more than advice, just a listening ear, instead I have received judgement, anger misdirected at me and no comfort at all. I hasten to add here that this is only some occasions, in others she has totally shone through for me.

But the other occasions have so shattered me that I have since withdrawn from my mother both emotionally and also physically. This will sound dreadful but I have put distance between us and don't visit as often as I should or phone as often as I should. My sister has withdrawn even further emotionally. 

The other kind of women are mousy, needy and desolate or a bit of both, sometimes controlling and sometimes needy. I see myself as the third. The controlling influence I see as being from my mother, the neediness as being my counter play in my efforts not to be like her and not to continue the cycle.

If I was to associate a word with my mother from my childhood it would be "disappointed". Hence its a bit difficult to see God as being any different sometimes. I know this is remarkably unfair. I have not been a parent but have friends who are and who are aware just how easy it is to have a negative influence on their child's character. Its a tough job and children are not little angels all the time but frequently little monsters who push all our buttons and take us to the edge of sanity on occasions. I say this because I am a step parent so, if you like, understand a little by proxy.

But what about the ten commandments, I hear you say? What about the command to "honour your father and your mother"? Well, in all honesty, I do fall down here. I know I am not following this. Equally, as my mother progresses into advanced old age, she becomes more needy, but on her terms, and I am appalled and pull away. It saddens me to understand her desperate need but at the same time I am angered by her stubbornness to cling to certain attitudes and thought processes, her manipulation of those close to her. My reaction is to do the opposite that she did with her parents. I have turned the other way whereas she effectively chose her parents over her husband and children again and again.

I have much to work through. I have possibly gone too much the other way. Yes, its important to chose one's husband, to leave and cleave but God didn't say "abandon your parents!". But I find I am sometimes put into a position of choosing and, in my efforts to ensure that the mistakes of the past aren't made again, I go to extremes.

I also battle the sulking and "payback" attitude of my father. He could sulk for Britain and, if he wants to make a point, can ignore you or withhold emotionally, largely through temper. I can do this too, it's another piece of history that I battle in myself. He has also struggled with affairs and alcohol abuse. I too have suffered in both these areas.

Then there are the family feuds, the fall outs with various branches of the family and why we don't mix with that branch or talk with the other branch. I'm still not talking to one section of the family because of something that happened 14 years ago. When I think about it, I get very angry and the though of letting go and trying to reconcile makes me ill. So much for being a Christian, huh? I know that this attitude is wrong, wrong, wrong. Even this attitude is something very strong on my father's side, he and my paternal Grandmother didn't speak for many years because of a fall out!

I know that Romans has the amazing verse that we are all new creations in Christ and it is the truth. But you may have experienced the same in your life, it takes a while for the truth to take root in your heart and head, even if the spirit has taken it on! So yes, I am a new creation but I am still wearing the clothes of the old man who is struggling with generational sins and consequences of actions.

I see the consequences of actions and of attitudes handed down through families when I look at my husband, people I have known for many years, relations. We are all fighting history.

Something within me says that this fighting is not right. That surely this was dealt with at the Cross and there is no longer a need to fight it. There is another part of me that says what about the good history, good choices that were made? What about our spiritual history, what Jesus did in the past, dying on a Cross for our sins and saving us from the penalty of every sin we have ever or will ever commit? Isn't that positive history?

So I am somewhat torn at present. I need to repent of the negative feelings I have for my parents, as well as for my relatives, but also establish boundaries with them that include still honouring them as God has commanded. I'm not sure how this will work out. I'd love to end this post on a positive note and say that all will be well but its pretty messed up in my family so I will have to pray, repent, pray, repent and ask God for wisdom. I want to stop fighting the negative history and I want to start rejoicing in the good history, the good legacies that are left for me, to become a bridge builder and bring reconciliation but right now, that looks as likely as a tree that sprouts gold leaves appearing in my garden!