The Approval Junkie

So what's the latest? Well I think I may have started a theme here. My last post touched on me having an issue with people disliking me.

Over the last few days, my thoughts have come back to this, largely because of recent experience. I have found myself not able to meet people's expectations and, being the person I am, I have also found myself second-guessing others' expections. Needless to say, this has been in a negative light.

I have cried a number of times this week, partly upset and partly in anger and frustration. You see I am desperate to have people's approval, for them to confirm that I have worth in their eyes, that I have done well at such and such, that they are pleased with me.

This is especially prevalent in my close personal relationships. I panic that I haven't done enough. If I sense disapproval, whether imagined or real, I can tear myself to pieces mentally trying to figure out what I did wrong and how far I need to go to fix it, make it better, have them love me again. Yes, even in this, I suspect in my heart that they have stopped.

Then, at some point, there is the anger at the person. Why have they decided to withhold themselves from me? Why can't I have their love, acceptance, approval? Why am I having to jump through these hoops like a performing circus animal? Why am I having to hold them up and do everything they want? What about my needs, my wants? How would they like it if I made them go through this kind of feeling?
This particular train of thought ends up going down the childish path of "it's not fair" and a pity party for one with popped ballons and broken kazoos!

Joyce Meyer speaks of people-pleasers in an article on her website and gives an accurate description of them.
"I am talking about a pressure to perform—an unhealthy drive to be accepted and approved by others. It is a desire so strong that it influences and controls the majority of our decisions."
She later adds "There are some individuals who have spent a good part of their lives trying to please other people, and as a result, they are unhappy, bitter, resentful and depressed. How other people think and feel about them has become so important that it is like an addiction affecting every part of who they are."


This is so me!!

But I know I am not the only one who suffers from approval addiction. There are others out there, in varying degrees of panic, who suffer as I do. Do we need a shrink? A counsellor? I wouldn't rule those out for anyone, probably a good idea. But also, if we have faith in God, shouldn't we bring Him into the picture? We are Christians, after all.

Now even here, the addiction can distort the perceived relationship with Father. The addict can feel unworthy and unloved, no matter what biblical passage has been thrown their way to boost their confidence. Imagine you don't speak Greek and someone begins to tell you wonderful things but in Greek. They could be telling you that you've won the Euro Lottery but it won't do you any good unless you understand the language!

If I can be completely honest, I know with my head that God loves me. To quote an old children's song, "the bible tells me so". However, when does it go from being head knowledge to heart knowledge, to an experience of this Love? Then there is the added pressure of not relying on emotions.

Sometimes I find the faith can be a minefield and it seems like I'm trying to make sense of something that is purposefully confusing. I just want to find God. I want to stop needing the approval of others to give me worth and purpose, so that I will stop being upset or very angry with these people when I feel I have let them down.

The addict knows in their heart of hearts that they cannot always change the reaction of the person to them. There has to be acceptance that at some point people will inevitably disappoint people. There also has to be the realisation that one can't read people's minds and that what is perceived to be disappointment in an addict is actually totally unrelated and has nothing to do with them. But this is too rational for the addict. What addition can be called rational?!

So is there a cure for the approval junkie, whatever stage of addiction they happen to be in?

I believe that God can cure anything. However, He will sometimes ask us if we want to be cured. Remember blind Bartemaus in Mark? (Chap 10 v 46-52). I sense that, for my walk, this is what God will ask of me? Am I ready to do whatever He says in order to have that freedom? I know I want it but do I want it badly enough?

I have no idea how this is going to pan out.
I very much hope that I will be able to let God help me, cure me of this addiction that causes me pain, causes me to sin and adds stress to myself and to others around me. I want to be free of it. I want to be a mature Christian, looking out for the needs of others but also seeing myself as God sees me, someone He loves and who, in His eyes, has worth and value, an amazing one-of-a-kind person with a future that is good and full of hope.

I am praying that God will set me free and that, sometime in the not too distant future, I will be able to post on here that I am a recovering addict from approval and people-pleasing. Maybe, in turn, that will free me at last to witness openly and joyfully for God.

Confession of faith?

So you're a Christian, right? You are more than happy to tell people, yes? You're happy to share your faith, give your testimony, offer to pray for people?
If God tells you to speak to someone and tell them about his love, you do it, don't you?

Have you been a Christian for a year, five years, over twenty years?

Well I have called myself a Christian for over 30 years and I'm jealous of you because  you are doing something I seem incapable of.

You see, God has been challenging me of late. I keep thinking over and over about the call to testify to others about Him and yet my mouth remains closed. As I've tried to go back over why I have such a problem with sharing my faith, I've realised things about myself and they aren't that good. They are rather sad infact - a desperate need to be liked by everyone, to be whatever people require me to be so they will like me, to not rock the boat (and a profession of faith can often do that), a fear of abandonment and rejection and I am still unsure where those come from. (no I am not adopted nor are my parents divorced and I have not suffered abuse either).

But whatever my reasons, the bible clearly states that Jesus said "32"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. 33But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven." Matthew 10:32-33 (NIV).

This makes me tremble. In this time of increased loss of faith, particularly in a sole deity who says there are no other gods but Him and no other ways to Heaven accept via His Son. To acknowledge such a faith is an invitation to be derided.

But, in context, in some countries, this also means imprisonment, torture and death. Surely a few snide remarks and pink cheeks are so much better than martyrdom?!
I hear of the Chinese Christians who are treated brutally by the state and yet will willingly suffer such humiliations for their faith rather than deny God's work in their lives.

It makes me ashamed of myself. Have I faced such treatment? No! But still, on the few odd occassions when I have finally opened my mouth to quietly whisper my weedy profession of faith, I see the raised eyebrows and the questioning look as to why someone of supposed intelligence would believe in such a fairytale (in their eyes) and I squirm on the inside. I know they think less of me and I hate it. There, now you know my shame.

I have friends who openly talk about their faith, who are happy to share, when appropriate (not beating people over the head with a 10lb King James Bible) and who seem to shrug off the sneers and laughter.
So why am I this coward and why has God persisted with me when I struggle so much? Where is the boldness? I have even heard sermons preached that, if I am not bold about my faith then I must surely not be saved. I have wondered myself frequently, is this the case? But then deep down inside me, I do sense the confirmation, "You are mine!".

I am still discussing this with God. It's not a pleasant conversation. I am squirming again but this time its as I look at the blood-stained face of a man, beaten beyond recognition but wearing a crown of thorns and He still looks at me with his one good eye (the other closed up) and whispers from his ruined mouth "I love you, you are mine. I bought you for a price, my blood". How can I deny this man my allegiance to all and sundry. Why aren't I shouting my faith from the rooftops? Why am I such a coward? Suddenly, I am very conscious of Judas and I have an inkling of sympathy. He betrayed his lord with a kiss. I am betraying my lord with closed mouth and fearful eyes lest someone should mock me with laughter and cruel words. It is pitiful really.

Against the agony Christ experienced from the Garden of Gethsemane to the Cross where he breathed his last, my worries and fears are as nothing.  Against the torture and threat of death some Christians face, my concerns are miserable. Yet still my fears and anxieties close my mouth as firmly as if an iron gate had been placed infront of them.

Am I alone in this? Do others suffer such worries? Moreover, when am I ever to be set free from them so I can testify openly and happily to God's amazing love and goodness to mankind and, specifically, to me?

I need release. I need to speak out my belief in God and in his Son, Jesus Christ, that He died for my sins and that without him, I am lost. I need to bow the need and confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.

I'm praying God would change my heart, help me to lose my fear, to be given that boldness that the early church had when baptised with fire in the Upper room. I'm praying that God would enable me to get beyond my fear of people disliking me, teasing me, ridiculing me and help me to make my declaration of faith knowing that He is smiling on me.

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death." Romans 12:11

If you pray it, live it!

So God presented me with another challenge recently. I have been praying about certain family members, certain situations.

For one family member, I have had a problem with this person for about a year now due to a letter sent which criticised me and I found very hurtful. I am not good at letting things go or forgiving. I tend to hold on to the hurt or, having forgiven, then go ahead and take up the resentment again. Not exactly a Christian attitude. Increasingly I have felt antagonistic towards this person but felt the challenge to pray for this person. So I have done but it's been through gritted teeth, if I'm honest.

Another family member I have been praying for their salvation, their freedom from an addiction (which they don't recognise as an addiction) and my relationship with them. In particular this person has such an affect on my life, more than they could possibly realise.

Well this second person and I have been getting on fabulously of late and I have been so chuffed. Then, yesterday, things went pear-shaped. Things were said and this morning, I found myself getting angry, annoyed and taking my typical route of re-hashing in my mind an array of actions or words which have hurt me. I could feel myself getting very worked up, very "it's not fair" and poking out my bottom lip like a 4yr old!

Only the night before I had been praying for this person and asking God to bless them, I prayed forgiveness over them and asked God to give me love and patience towards them. Now here I was and already doing my usual getting worked up about them and forgetting my prayers.

It was right at this point I felt God say to me "are you going to keep praying for him and others then just act in the opposite of what you have just asked Me for?" Well, it made me pause then feel rather guilty. It was a very valid point. Would you ask someone to help you with a problem then, having done that, start acting in a way which would then actually make the problem worse rather than better? Of course not! How stupid and pointless would that be!

This is no different. I felt the challenge from God to be that, if I'm going to pray for people about issues which directly impact me then I need to live out my part, take that necessary action to become part of the answer to my prayer and give God room to work.

It's the same with my parents who are now elderly. My mother can be trying sometimes as, in her aging, her memory and also her wisdom in saying certain things falters. Some things can be hurtful but, as I pray, I have to remember not to get wound up by actions or words and to remember to love, honour and obey them both.

So the lesson and challenge for me at this time is if I want God to work in a person's life and they have a relationship with me I must remember to show God's love to them time and again whether through forgiveness, patience, not taking offence at everything or getting annoyed with them for every small infraction. I must be gracious to them because God has shown me grace and boy how I need his grace today and every day.

Help me in this God, I certainly can't do this in my own strength as I prove on a daily basis!

What's in your hand?

You know what it’s like. You are getting on with life, the daily hum-drum. Nothing out of the ordinary is happening and you’re plodding along. Or so you think, but actually God is manoeuvring you into a place where He can speak to you and you just don’t realise it yet (although you probably should be ready for it at any time because that’s the kind of God we worship!).


Yup, you guessed correctly, this has happened to me recently and hence my blog about it.

Due to issues in the home, I do not attend church on a regular Sunday to Sunday basis. For me, I have to take the opportunities when they come. That might be a three times in the space of a month or perhaps no visit for up for four months. So this Sunday, I understood that I had one of these prime opportunities to go to church. Fortunately, where I go, they seem to understand where I’m at in this weird “attendance” that I have.

I had a mental battle getting there though. Without going into too much detail, I can be very insecure and the moment I’d made the decision to go to church, the devil was in there, poking around my insecurities and stirring them up. I was close to not going. However, God had other plans so I found myself striding towards the door and a big smile welcomed me from the welcoming team (all those insecure thoughts went “poof”).

The teaching was based on the subject of excellence, on why Christians should seek to excel in all they do, how it is honouring to God and ensures glory goes to Him and how, be seeking to be distinguished in all areas and our gifting, the world will be drawn to God. It was a fascinating teaching and I took notes.

Then, at the end, the guy preaching began to ask questions of the congregation. He asked us to think about one particular area, one particular thing that God has placed in our lives, a gift, a calling. He asked us to think about what we are doing with it? “Are you giving it your all, are you going for excellence in that gift/calling? Have you despised it? Have you squandered it? Do you need to repent and ask God for forgiveness and a fresh impetus to go for distinction in this area?"

He asked us to stand and begin to pray out loud about it. To repent and ask forgiveness, where required, and to ask God for courage to step out in that area, for faith to grow in that area. To ask God to bless it and to make us open to grow in it so we can be excellent so that we give God the glory in it.

My immediate thought was concerning my writing. It was a really strong feeling.

Now I have to provide some background here. When I was a little girl, as soon as I could pick up a pen and write, I was writing stories, poems and letters. I began making pen pals at an early age because I loved to write. I used to tell stories to the other children in the area and they would listen and enjoy. As I grew older, my love of English Language and English Literature ensures that I did well in school at these topics. I always assumed I would be a writer.

But life has a way of distracting you and I allowed myself to be fully distracted with relationships (some good, some very bad), work, and a blistering social life. I stopped believing in my ability to write, infact I totally neglected my writing for many years. I took up the pen again, briefly, whilst I was first married and wrote poetry but, again, after further distractions and a divorce, I dropped the pen, metaphorically speaking. I also became hugely critical of everything I had ever writtent. Now proper self-examination and review is healthy but this was blistering criticism.The onslaught was viscious. I basically felt it had all been written before and in a far more eloquent manner than ever I could.

I have struggled over the years to pick the pen up again (or as it is now, open the laptop!). Even as I type today, I feel the struggle of getting the words out because of insecurity and a sense of dread of being a failure.

Back to the service. I prayed as directed by the preacher. I spoke aloud of my desire to not only write but to write something that would bring God glory. I offered him this thing I have (temptation here to call it a piddly excuse for a gift -  do you see my mind set?!) and asked that He encourage me in it, help me to learn more about it, grow in it and develop it so that I would distinguish myself in the craft and hopefully one day bring Him glory.

Well, I told a very close dear friend about it and then that was that. But God doesn’t let a message He sends get lost in the white noise of life which is why he repeats it over and over to make sure we get it.

The first reminder was on Monday when I was watching a programme on God TV, a youth conference because deep inside I still believe I'm a youngster. As the speaker was talking to the crowd of young, healthy-looking American teens, he spoke about their talents and whether they had committed them to God so that they would bring Him glory. He talked about the responsibility of the young people to seek God in their talent or calling. I felt an "oooh" moment then carried on ironing and the moment passed by.

Then Tuesday I decided to go for a brisk walk. I wanted to listen to some teaching so spent time downloading postcasts off the internet and, having got to the coastal pathway, switched on a Chris Caine podcast. It was a very interesting one where she interviewed two young women planning to do something for charity. I listened, feeling inspired and challenged. The interview came to an end and then Chris began to talk about "what is in your hand?". She said to look at what God has given us in the way of talent, gifting and how are we using it? Have we despised it or are we trying to nuture it and grow in it so that we give it to God for His glory?
This time I felt an "ahhhh" moment and it stayed. I was starting to get it and was already thinking about doing this blog post as a way of solidifying what I feel God is speaking to me about.

Now today, well it's gone bonkers, off the chart in terms of God now practically shouting at me "Hey, Caroline, clean out your ears and listen to Me. I want you to write! Have you got that?! Just do it, Write, let it flow out of you, don't fear anymore but just do it. I'll make sure you have people who can teach you, people who will provide you with constructive critisism so you can grow. Just get on and do it!.

Why do I feel He's now shouting? Well it would be one thing to have even three instances of hearing a message about talents, gifts, excellence and God's glory but four!

This morning I checked my Twitter account and noticed one of the people I follow, Jarrod Clark, had a new blog post so I thought I'd check it out. Get this..... the post is on your gift! He quotes Proverbs 18:16 which  says that “Your gift will make room for you and bring you before great men.”. Now I'm not sure about going before great men but I do nknow that this is yet another encouragement to use that seed that God planted in me as a little girl. I am passionate about reading, writing, story-telling, getting down on paper (or print or screen) the variety of human experience and emotions, descriptions of our interactions with this world and the spiritual world.

I remember, now I think about it again, the excitement and joy I felt when writing a story and sense of acheivement. It was like water bubbling up out of me and there was release with the joy. I want to feel that joy again and delight in the gift I believe God gave me. I want to use it for His glory, as He sees fit.

So I will continue with a couple of topics I started a few months back in a half-hearted way. Little writing exercises I began, I will endevour to complete. I'm going to open up the gates and let this flow again. I don't care if I make it as a published writer or not, what I care about is that I write and can share my stories and poems with people and hope that they enjoy them. I want to do the best I can and through that, give glory to our Amazing God.

What is in your hand? What did God place in your life that you used to be good at, you used to enjoy and have a passion for? Are you using it or have you given up on it? Perhaps it's time to ask God about it and see what He has to say about it.

A Sunday in August

Transformers (not the movie!)

Do you ever get frustrated with yourself? Be honest, do you?
I do. I am. Frequently!


If we continue being honest, we all tend to see ourselves in a certain light. I like to think I am this youthful, vibrant, creative woman who is liked by all, is loving, kind and forgiving, gracious, has no hang-ups and is pretty well-adjusted. Then I wake up and remember that this isn't actually who I am at all.


I'm a pretty messed up puppy really. I have huge insecurities, I spend quite a bit of my time every day being angry about something or with someone, I can be mean, gossipy, cruel, and there certainly isn't much graciousness displayed in my life.


When I became a Christian, many years ago (when dinosaurs ruled the earth), it was more or less intimated to me that my life, me, would change and suddenly I would become this amazing person, transformed into the likeness of Jesus. I would forgive, I would be gracious to others, I would be kind and loving, eschuing gossip and being helpful and encouraging instead. I would, as a matter of course, because of the radical change in my life, witness all the time, bring many to know this Jesus that I had myself just met. Life was never going to be the same, it would be a million times better.


You know something? That transformation didn't take place. How disappointed was I! This was meant to happen naturally, I'd barely be aware of it. But it never came. That's because I was misled and also because I didn't listen when later on others tried to correct this faulty thinking. Don't get me wrong, I am still incredibly grateful to the church that saw me finally come into a relationship with God. They saw my through my dreadful teenage years and my early twenties. They stood by me and I experienced God during that time in a positive and passionate way. But I always felt somewhat cheated and that feeling remains.


I've been listened to podcasts from Bill Johnson of Bethel Church, based in Redding, California. He did a series called Transformed and I began to listen to one today. He took the passage from Romans - Chapter 12 verse 2

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

A friend of mine attended a Discipleship Training School with Youth With a Mission years ago. I remember very clearly, when she came home at the end of it, sharing with me the teaching she had received on this course and this particular verse and the teaching that went with it impacted her very strongly. I think it does to this day as she continues to grow in her amazing faith. She has truly modelled to me what it means to be "transformed by the renewing" of her mind.


So I guess my beef is, why aren't I being transformed? Why, in my 31 years of being a Christian (is it really that long?), have I not seen the changes, been aware of God renewing me from the inside out?
To go back to Bill Johnson, the bit that leapt out at me of this particular teaching was this - "I feel that God is saying "I want my ways to overide your ways. I want my thoughts to overide your thoughts,I'm going to overwhelm you with goodness until you are conformed.""


I happened to be walking from the shops when I heard this and I wanted to drop the carrier bags of food and stick my hands up in the air shouting "Yes, Lord, please will you just hurry up and do this already. I've been waiting for so long". I could feel the exasperation in my heart and mind. Bill made a good point when he said that a number of people listening to this particular sermon would be challenged on wrong thinking regarding transformation and the renewing of the mind. I think he's right. I am being challenged because I know that God expects me to do my part. For some people, God is gracious and He enables them to stop taking drugs straight away, stop swearing straight away or other things that affect them. Overnight these people become changed people and they have amazing testimonies of how God has radically affected them for good. They are not the "norm" or so it would seem.


The "norm" tends to be the rest of us who plod along and God gives us opportunities to say yes to His way of thinking rather than what is considered to be standard for our day and age.
In all honesty, I tend to either be blind to these "opportunities" or alternatively I ignore them or walk the other way. I'm not good at forgiving people. I hold grudges.  I'm not good at testimonies, I hide my beliefs because I know they aren't popular and I want people to like me. I'm a people-pleaser.


Know what? I don't want to continue like this. Why? Because being a Christian has actually brought more stress into my life rather than less. My flesh constantly fights against what I know to be God's ways. Paul even addresses this in the New Testament, one of his Epistles. Romans 7 v 15 says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."  He adds "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." V 18-19. All this striving is causing me to lose any joy I ever had in the Christian faith and my relationship with God.


So what is the answer? How do I become transformed? Well the sad news is it requires effort on my part. I need to make the choice to take the right way when presented with the option. Jesus did the hard work, He saved my sorry arse when He hung on the Cross and died for my sins. He rescued me from death when I said that I would give my life to Him and acknowledge Him as King. What He is asking me to do is simply to say "I choose Your way" then go do it. I say "Simply" but really there is nothing simple about it at all. I find it very hard. Does that mean I am not a Christian? I don't think so otherwise Paul wouldn't have been one either!!!


There isn't a conclusion to this post really. I know what I have to do. It just seems so hard and I fail so often. I really want God to, as Bill said, overwhelm me with His goodness. I want His thoughts to overwhelm my thoughts and His ways overwhelm my ways. I'm frustrated with myself because I am still going round in circles, chasing my tail. I'm still choosing poorly and I seem to be no further on in my walk than I was 30 years ago. I'm still very much a "baby" in the Lord.


I really want God to break out in my life in the radical way I hoped He would when I was a new born-again believer. So I'm praying that God will answer this heart's cry of mine and help me. I do believe in God, I do believe He can change people's lives. For some reason, it seems I have a problem believing He can make any change in mine. That's just plain sad! Tranform me God, transform me into who You called me to be. I know I'm Your child but I just don't seem to act like it.

Feel?

Hopefully most people are aware of a singer called Robbie Williams who hails from the UK.  He used to be part of a group called Take That (and I understand has now joined them again).

He and his then producer, Guy Chambers, wrote a song called "Feel". It was one of his few truly international hits, the other being "Angels".

Have you ever read the words? Thought about them? How come this song did so very well, with its rather downbeat lyrics? He'd had plenty other bouncy, more upbeat songs. What was it about this one that touched people?

I have a theory. Yes, it's only a theory, my own opinion that you may not agree with. This was brought back to me very recently as a person close to me listened to the song, sang along and began to cry because, they said the words said how they felt exactly.

This is why I think this song did so well, it touched a chord in many people.
Here's an excerpt:

"I just wanna feel real love, feel the home that I live in
Cos I got too much life running through my veins,
Going to waste.

I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either,
Before I fall in love, I'm preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death, that's why I keep on running
Before I've arrived, I can see myself coming"
Copyright R Williams/G Chambers

You can read all the lyrics by following this link.

What I'm getting at is that, increasingly, it seems that large numbers of people feel disconnected from their life, a sense of not being all or acheiving all they could be and do.
Bearing in mind the times we live in and how, in the Western world, the marjority have a disposable income, have a home, family and extra leisure time, why are so many of us feeling disatisfied with our lives, as though we have been short-changed somehow?

I speak to many people and hear a similar thread running through conversations of any depth. It comes back to feeling that there is more in life and it hasn't been attained yet. 

Supposedly, thanks to computers and modern conveniences, we now have more time on our hands, more time outside the office/factory/place of work where we can develop our skills, begin to fulfil our dreams but so few actually do. In fairness, it seems that more people are having to work longer hours and in Europe, the UK workforce seem to work the longest hours of all the countries.

So why is this? Well this will sound trite but I believe that our priorities in life are somewhat skewed.
That's not to say that life isn't hard, that bad things don't happen and that people, all of us, will from time to time feel a little down, that's just part of the human experience.
But this disatisfaction is because we all believed the lie that if we had more, the latest gadget, more money, that mobile phone, this car etc that life would suddenly attain meaning. We would be experiencing life at its finest and we would understand our purpose in life.  We would be fulfilled. Consumerism has failed us all. It didn't deliver. The excesses we embarked on left us dry and without hope.

Robbie sings "there's a hole in my soul, you can see it in my face, its a real big place". I believe it's the "God-shaped hole", although this has been so over-used now that even as I type I cringe. Do I mean that life will suddenly become this amazing thing and nothing bad will ever happen? No, I make no such claim. I believe in God and still get down, depressed, wonder about meaning in life etc. But that is not God's fault. It's actually mine because these feelings of helplessness and hopelessness usually come when I've either not done what I should do, done something I shouldn't have or have been affected by someone's doing or not doing either of those things. It calls in to question why I'm here and if I allow those feelings and thoughts to continue, down the road of sadness and listlessness I go.

The Westminster Catchechism states that "Man's chief end is to worship God and to enjoy Him forever".
If we aren't living this then we aren't fulfilling our purpose on this earth. If you are anything like me, when I first heard that, my initial reaction was "Oh great, time spent singing in a choir with my harp for the rest of eternity, going to endless church services and being totally and utterly boring. Where is the fun in any of this?"

But think of all the things that make us swell inside with joy, happiness or laughter. Breathtaking scenery can burn the heart with it's beauty. Who made that scenery? God.
What about enjoying the company of children who are laughing and playing, being funny? God created makind in the first instance, we are His idea.
How about music that makes us light-hearted, uplifted (any taste, rock, classical, jazz to name a few)? God blessed man with the creativity to make music, write plays, stories and poems, to paint, draw and mold, chisel, weld.

So when we do what God created us to do, we can find fulfilment. Will we still be affected by news of wars, famines, violence, greed? Yes, of course. We are a reflection of God's own heart. Because mankind chose to go his own way, what goes on in the world is not God's fault as so many of us will claim from time to time. That is such an easy answer and means we have yet another reason for not believing in Him and thereby obeying Him.  No, it's actually because somewhere down the line, the individual has decided to be selfish with what he's been given, whether it's talent, money, abilities and the result, when more individuals do this is war, violence, greed etc which means others suffer.

What has this to do with me, with others, including this person who cried listening to Robbie's song?

We feel the pain that all is not well with the world, we have lost the true sense of ourselves and who we really are, who we are called to be. Hence the pain when someone articulates it as beautifully as Robbie and Guy did. Our soul cries out and says "Yes, this is me. I know exactly what they mean. I have that hole in my soul. I'm not a whole person, something (Someone) is missing and the pain is awful".

The fact of the matter is God knows about that pain in the soul, He also sees the hole and He knows why it's there. He wants to fill it. He wants to give meaning to life. He has a purpose for each and every one of us. Fact is we will never be truly happy unless we find it and that means firstly acknowledging that God exists, that He is our Creator. It then means agreeing with Him that we are made for His pleasure and to have relationship with Him. From that base, everything else can flow. It will be a steep learning curve but we can do it. He will help us.

Am I there yet? Am I fulfilling my purpose in life? No, I don't think so, not yet so I speak as one who continues to have that hole. God is there but He will only fill the hole with Himself with as much as we will let Him. I continue to hesitate, prevaricate. Why? Well God and I are still discussing that one. But I do know He is the answer. I'm just haggling over the question!